Sleep, Sleep, Sleep
Today I slept and slept. I went to bed around 11 last night, and I woke up at 7am. I knew that if I had gotten up at that time it would have spelled disaster, so I just ate a quick breakfast and went back to sleep. Then I woke up around 1pm and ate again, and went back to sleep since I was still tired. I finally got up for the day at 4pm. I'm still a bit tired, but not overtired. It's just the depression hanging over me. I wish there was something I could do to lift it. By the time I wanted to go for my walk it was too late. Plus, I just wanted to be lazy and not do it. I need to do my strength training today too, since I don't know if the gym will be open tomorrow. I know I don't have to go to work tomorrow, which is good since I don't think I'm ready to go back to work. I was feeling physically sick today.. My throat was hurting and so I drank some hot tea. We need to get honey for the tea... I love tea with honey. It's great for when you have a sore throat.
I'm feeling better now... Maybe I can tell work I'm going to come in at 2 instead of noon so I can get some more sleep. I don't know. I do know that working is the top thing I need to do to fight my depression, so I do need to go in. They won't hire me if I keep missing days. I just need to be careful about how I spread myself out. I can't be working too much or else I go crazy and get really tired. I think that's how this started.. I tried to spread myself too thin with work. Once I'm there it's okay, but I need to start taking care of myself first. The part time job can wait. I know I want to work ASAP, but there is only so much I can do. I don't want to get too overexcited and lose my job because I can't make it in. I also want it to be something that I'm interested in doing preferably. I know I ask a lot, but it's my choice.
My mood today was okay.. I know I'm still depressed, so I'm not going to change my little face here on DS to okay. I just didn't feel the depression so much, probably since I slept all day. I was able to cook dinner today, too. It was simple. I fried up some pork chops and made mac and cheese. It took like 15 minutes to do it all. The pork chops weren't as good as the ones I made the other day.. I think I left them on too high of heat for too long. I'm still a bit hungry, but I don't have much choices for food. I have yogurt and baby carrots. Neither one will make me feel more full. I think I'm having an emotional eating time.. I want to eat not because I'm hungry, but because I'm depressed. I did have some peppermint bark today as well after dinner since I wanted a treat. I'm in my calories for today, so that should be fine.
I was talking to my friend Andrea last night about the weight I've gained and all that, and she said that I need to make a lifestyle change to lose the weight. Basically she was implying that I need to get my butt out of bed more. I did a horrible job of that today, though. I need to take out the trash, and I'm putting that off for maybe tomorrow since I don't feel up to it today. It's not like I have to do much, but I just don't want to go outside. My hair is a mess and I don't feel like getting dressed to go outside. Tomorrow I have to go for my long walk, and I'm not looking forward to it. I just want to curl up in bed all day again. I had plenty of chances to do my walk today, but I kept going back to sleep. 4 pm is the latest I've slept in for a long time. And yet I'm still yawning.
Food today was good. Like I said above, I'm in my calorie range. I had a piece of chicken and a Fiber One bar for breakfast, ramen and another Fiber One bar for lunch, and fried pork chops with mac and cheese for dinner. I didn't fry the pork chops in oil, just on a hot nonstick pan. I don't know what I'm going to do for dinner tomorrow. It depends on if I feel like cooking or not. I woke up at 7am today full of energy, but it was hypomanic energy. The last thing I need to do is give into the hypomania and then crash even farther. I've been on the new meds for a couple weeks, so it should start building up in my system soon. Some take a month or so to fully build up. I just don't want to go back to the doctor, since this is being caused by stuff I'm dealing with in life. I should talk to my therapist instead, but I can't afford to see her twice in a month. Besides, it was talking to her and trying to forgive Tony that got me started on this downward spiral anyway. I need to deal with it, just when I'm stronger.
I'm feeling better now... Maybe I can tell work I'm going to come in at 2 instead of noon so I can get some more sleep. I don't know. I do know that working is the top thing I need to do to fight my depression, so I do need to go in. They won't hire me if I keep missing days. I just need to be careful about how I spread myself out. I can't be working too much or else I go crazy and get really tired. I think that's how this started.. I tried to spread myself too thin with work. Once I'm there it's okay, but I need to start taking care of myself first. The part time job can wait. I know I want to work ASAP, but there is only so much I can do. I don't want to get too overexcited and lose my job because I can't make it in. I also want it to be something that I'm interested in doing preferably. I know I ask a lot, but it's my choice.
My mood today was okay.. I know I'm still depressed, so I'm not going to change my little face here on DS to okay. I just didn't feel the depression so much, probably since I slept all day. I was able to cook dinner today, too. It was simple. I fried up some pork chops and made mac and cheese. It took like 15 minutes to do it all. The pork chops weren't as good as the ones I made the other day.. I think I left them on too high of heat for too long. I'm still a bit hungry, but I don't have much choices for food. I have yogurt and baby carrots. Neither one will make me feel more full. I think I'm having an emotional eating time.. I want to eat not because I'm hungry, but because I'm depressed. I did have some peppermint bark today as well after dinner since I wanted a treat. I'm in my calories for today, so that should be fine.
I was talking to my friend Andrea last night about the weight I've gained and all that, and she said that I need to make a lifestyle change to lose the weight. Basically she was implying that I need to get my butt out of bed more. I did a horrible job of that today, though. I need to take out the trash, and I'm putting that off for maybe tomorrow since I don't feel up to it today. It's not like I have to do much, but I just don't want to go outside. My hair is a mess and I don't feel like getting dressed to go outside. Tomorrow I have to go for my long walk, and I'm not looking forward to it. I just want to curl up in bed all day again. I had plenty of chances to do my walk today, but I kept going back to sleep. 4 pm is the latest I've slept in for a long time. And yet I'm still yawning.
Food today was good. Like I said above, I'm in my calorie range. I had a piece of chicken and a Fiber One bar for breakfast, ramen and another Fiber One bar for lunch, and fried pork chops with mac and cheese for dinner. I didn't fry the pork chops in oil, just on a hot nonstick pan. I don't know what I'm going to do for dinner tomorrow. It depends on if I feel like cooking or not. I woke up at 7am today full of energy, but it was hypomanic energy. The last thing I need to do is give into the hypomania and then crash even farther. I've been on the new meds for a couple weeks, so it should start building up in my system soon. Some take a month or so to fully build up. I just don't want to go back to the doctor, since this is being caused by stuff I'm dealing with in life. I should talk to my therapist instead, but I can't afford to see her twice in a month. Besides, it was talking to her and trying to forgive Tony that got me started on this downward spiral anyway. I need to deal with it, just when I'm stronger.
Replies
Good luck on the new Meds. why did they change them? I thought you were doing well on the ones you were taking.
Best wishes that all goes well soon.
you will know when the time for a paying job is, so continue volunteering and get your feet back on the ground. yes it is important to get up and do something, even cleaning if you dont want to go out to help burn some calories, as you are eating the same amt. without any activitity. i know its the depression but you have to fight it so hard, i dont know if going for the long walk is a good idea though as you havent walked in a few, it will likely be to much, maybe aim a bit lower, so you dont get discourged. many hugss and hope you feel better.
Im sorry you are battling depression so much right now. Its very difficult to see past the moment when it hits... im dealing with it too. I think when things get so overwhelming it just hits like a ton of bricks. Trying to set small goals helps me some times because big goals just drag me further into depression. Continue to try to maintain healthy eating while you are struggling nutrition is suposed to help too. Hugggzzz im thinking about you