Skipped Work Again :(
I slept like crap last night. I couldn't fall asleep, and then when I did manage to get to sleep I kept waking up for long periods of time. I fell asleep around 11pm and I was up at 1am. I couldn't fall back asleep with just 2mg of klonopin, either. I had to take 4mg. I don't like taking that much, but there was no way I was going to fall asleep on the 2mg. I took 2mg when I first woke up and an hour later I was still going strong. So I took some more. That finally knocked me out around 3am. I know I was up past 3, since I remember looking at the clock. I just don't know what time I fell asleep at. Then I woke up again around 5, and again at 7am. I was up from 7am to after 8am. When it was time for me to get up to go to work I just couldn't do it. I just felt too sick. I think I need to call my boss and tell them not to worry about me getting a part time job. It's stressing me out too much. I just can't bear the responsibility right now. I hate having to do that, I feel like I'm giving up, but I have to take care of myself. I just have to realize that I'm not ready for a job at this point. It's something that's hard to give up on, but it's the truth. I need to get dependable before I can apply.
I don't feel like a failure yet, though. I know it's coming, but all I can do is prepare for it. I was hoping to be able to test out how strong I was in working, and I did. I didn't get the response I wanted. I was hoping that I would be able to work soon, and that would be great. I guess it's a good thing that there aren't any open positions that I can take so I don't feel so bad. I just need to get out of this depression. I wasn't feeling that depressed today, but I didn't sleep well last night so I knew better than to try and go in on little sleep. It's just a recipe for disaster. I've tried going in early when I woke up early in the morning and it was just a wreck. I ended up mentally crashing and having to go home early. I learned that at Miami Air. The other jobs I've had I didn't have the flexibility that I have at the clinic. I can come and go when I want there.
I did manage to go to the gym today. It was crowded in there... there were 4 guys taking turns on the machines so I just used the ones that they weren't using. I didn't get to use the machine I wanted to, and it looked like they broke the bike for good. The gym is small... about the size of an apartment bedroom, so having 6 people in there is a lot (there was a girl on the elliptical machine). I just worked out however I could and left. I feel kinda bad since the guys were taking turns on the one machine I really wanted to use. I'm sure that they would have let me take turns with them, but I'm shy. Not to mention I'm really weak on that machine and I didn't want to look bad. I just did the other 2 machines and left. I'm not even sore, and I wanted to be sore today. I like being sore after a workout. It lets me know I did something.
Mood today was okay. Like I said above, the depression hasn't gone away, it's just hiding. If I wasn't depressed I think I could have made it into work today. Geo sees me in the morning and sees that I don't want to go to work and asks me if I want to stay home. I give in and say yes. Most of the time I do really feel bad and I don't want to go to work. But I know if I had a job for real I couldn't do that, I would have to go in no matter how I felt. But I have to get to that point first. I have to shake this depression. My therapist is good at getting me to recognize what is making me depressed by having me journal. I also go for walks sometimes without my mp3 player just so I can think. I think having some quiet time is important.
Food was good today.. I'm low on calories. I had a lot of leftover soup today, and a couple of cookies from the batter I made last night. I thought Geo was going to bake it all, so I was surprised when I woke up to find almost the whole bowl still full. I had mac and cheese with chicken in it for dinner. I don't know what I'm going to make tomorrow for dinner.. either stir fry or chicken with a basil pesto cream sauce. I'm getting creative with the chicken since I'm sick and tired of the way plain baked chicken tastes. The hardest part is cutting up the chicken into chunks off the bone since we get bone and skin on chicken thighs. We need to go to the store to get more stuff to use on the chicken. I was good today and didn't weigh in even though I wanted to. Hopefully I can get down to just once a week and not obsess about it.
I don't feel like a failure yet, though. I know it's coming, but all I can do is prepare for it. I was hoping to be able to test out how strong I was in working, and I did. I didn't get the response I wanted. I was hoping that I would be able to work soon, and that would be great. I guess it's a good thing that there aren't any open positions that I can take so I don't feel so bad. I just need to get out of this depression. I wasn't feeling that depressed today, but I didn't sleep well last night so I knew better than to try and go in on little sleep. It's just a recipe for disaster. I've tried going in early when I woke up early in the morning and it was just a wreck. I ended up mentally crashing and having to go home early. I learned that at Miami Air. The other jobs I've had I didn't have the flexibility that I have at the clinic. I can come and go when I want there.
I did manage to go to the gym today. It was crowded in there... there were 4 guys taking turns on the machines so I just used the ones that they weren't using. I didn't get to use the machine I wanted to, and it looked like they broke the bike for good. The gym is small... about the size of an apartment bedroom, so having 6 people in there is a lot (there was a girl on the elliptical machine). I just worked out however I could and left. I feel kinda bad since the guys were taking turns on the one machine I really wanted to use. I'm sure that they would have let me take turns with them, but I'm shy. Not to mention I'm really weak on that machine and I didn't want to look bad. I just did the other 2 machines and left. I'm not even sore, and I wanted to be sore today. I like being sore after a workout. It lets me know I did something.
Mood today was okay. Like I said above, the depression hasn't gone away, it's just hiding. If I wasn't depressed I think I could have made it into work today. Geo sees me in the morning and sees that I don't want to go to work and asks me if I want to stay home. I give in and say yes. Most of the time I do really feel bad and I don't want to go to work. But I know if I had a job for real I couldn't do that, I would have to go in no matter how I felt. But I have to get to that point first. I have to shake this depression. My therapist is good at getting me to recognize what is making me depressed by having me journal. I also go for walks sometimes without my mp3 player just so I can think. I think having some quiet time is important.
Food was good today.. I'm low on calories. I had a lot of leftover soup today, and a couple of cookies from the batter I made last night. I thought Geo was going to bake it all, so I was surprised when I woke up to find almost the whole bowl still full. I had mac and cheese with chicken in it for dinner. I don't know what I'm going to make tomorrow for dinner.. either stir fry or chicken with a basil pesto cream sauce. I'm getting creative with the chicken since I'm sick and tired of the way plain baked chicken tastes. The hardest part is cutting up the chicken into chunks off the bone since we get bone and skin on chicken thighs. We need to go to the store to get more stuff to use on the chicken. I was good today and didn't weigh in even though I wanted to. Hopefully I can get down to just once a week and not obsess about it.
Replies
what a lousy night! i must ask, do you take the klonopin under a doctors care and if so does he know how much you take , like by doubling up? i have always been under the feeling that klonopin is mainly an anti anxiety drug, that is why i take it, in the very beggining till i got used to it, i was very sleepy. im just curious as to why it is being used for slepp when there are likely much more effective meds for that. i just worry and klonopin is nothing to fool around with. dont give up on yourself and working, your just taking a break from pursing it. i think you should continue volunterring there, could you maybe speak with someone there and work less hours for now, hours that are doable? is the gym located where ou live? it sounds very tiny, and i would of been shy too. you are getting so creative with the chicken, online they have tons of recipes.