skdgha;osigh
Something I sent Joanna (my T) on Monday after our Therapy Session. This Wednesday she is out and Thursday I leave for a race with my team...so it's going to be one week between our sessions...it's not going to be good. I have never gone more than 2 days without seeing her.
Try telling myself that my feelings are legitimate for ten minutes? HaThat's bullshit. There is no way I can think like that. It just makes me furious to try to. There is always a reason that pops up to make it not legitimate.Today I kept trying to get myself to just pull out my journal and read some aof the things I wrote the past few days...but I couldn't. Just like how gettig angry with you is hard, so is this. Probably becUse part of it I do get angry at you.Friday journal entry:spinning spinning like a never ending merry-go/round. I have been very conscious of my thoughts since therapy yesterday, maybe a little too conscious. Everything in my head feels like its running a marathon.This morning while sleeping I had thoughts about all the fucked up food things I did last night plus the constant comparison between my sisters body and mine. I'm such a jerk.I also had some interesting thoughts/dreams about therapy- some true.1. I basically have memorized everything and the location of everything in Joannas office. I also came up with various qusesions about certain things and their arrangements but have managed to answer most of the questions myself.Her seat cushion is annoying because there is a space between the cushion and the chair recent change this Tuesday.Fan...what the fuck. It is always on no matter what time of year. Probably for noise distraction and circulation bc the Door is always shut.Two books always next to her chair- mangazine is semi new.I desperately want to know all that is on the bookshelf by the window. I can only see one book. Also there are papers on the top shelf yhat are disorganized.Harry potter series on the other shelf...really?!? I hate those books-gross.Clock- it kills me that Joanna is the only one who can see it. Time goes by way too fucking fast. Sometimes I try to look at my watch nonchalantly but I'm sure she notices.I even compare myself with her. Her ring is always backwards (pisses me off). I love her shoes and hair! I always want her shoes and would die to have her hair. Always dressed So simplistic which I love- most likely to avoid distractions and probably the same for the ring being backwards. Lastly I am dying to know what her necklace is. My best guess is that it is something catholic.Does she have kids? Doubtful because of all her dedication to her work, but she would be an amazing mother- I'll take her!!Computer recently turned slightly sideways towards the window. I feel like she did that because I always stare in that direction though I can't see shit. Yes I believe it's because of me.I have the same iPod nano case.Always has a mcdonalds ice coffee or coke zero to the right of her computer.I know I would be looked down upon if I brought that in. It's not fair that she can have that sitting there tempting me the whole time.I hate when the pillows are out of place on yhe couch.I always want to curl up in a ball on the couch but I don't want to offend her or have her think I'm crazy or get yelled at for putting my feet on the sofa. It's inappropriate.Cactus--Omg. And the stool?! Ahh. The plate it's on is always crooked. I want to fix it Soo badly.One of her licenses on the right of her GWU diploma is crooked. Is she blind?!?! Fix it Damnit.Her bag (not the brown leather backpack but the black (I think) that has NY 9/11...shit I can't remember what's on it. Regardless I want details on that. I bet she helped people through that. I want to know more.Blinds...when the door is open she clips them together probably So they don't make noise when the wind blows them.Everything is so perfectly organized. IHate it when something is changed.2. When I am staring into space while there and I am thinking of a reason or answer, this is what usually goes through my head.It could be this, Eh that's doubtful. Okay maybe this, nah that doesn't make sense. Oh this is totally why, no I don't think she will believe me. Ok this should be a good answer. But when I don't have anything, I want to sat "look I don't fucking know. Just tell me or ask a fucking different question. I don't have a damn answer. Nothing is going to come to my mind". But I don't say yhat because that would be rude and inappropriate, so i just stare and pretend I'm thinking. I hate when she sits siliently and waits for an answer. I DON'T FUCKING HAVE ONE. People don't always have a damn answer.3. Why is she only letting me come in next Monday. That's ridiculous. Does she actually think I can get by with just one day?! Hah. I know she is out we'd and I'm gone Thursday afternoon and Friday. But what about Tuesday or Thursday?!?!?! I'm free ALL day Tuesday and Thursday morning. If she really cared about me she would make time. But clearly just like everyone else, I am forgotten. I should of known better. I'm so god Damn pissed off. I want to yell, scream and punch her. Why does shit always happen like this to me. What the fuck.Sorry- now I'm contemplating even sending this because it's so rude.Steff
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JoannaI know you have a life but it's going to drive me crazy if I don't geta response from the previous email. I feel that with no response itmeans that you are angry with what I said or that what i said waswrong and inappropriate. Obviously I don't want that to be the case,but i would rather know that than not getting any response.Also, tonight I just got myself back up from crying for a long while.Though now that I am home I feel like shit for saying/acting the way Idid. On my way home from practice I asked Carlos if he went to thestore and got the things he said he was going to get. He said hedidn't want to because it was raining. Who the hell doesn't get whatis absolutely NEEDED from the store just because it's raining?! I toldhim that he had said he was going to and it upset me that he didn't.No response. then instead of just saying that regardless of the rainhe should still fulfill what he said he was going to do, I stupidlysaid "I didn't want to coach in the rain today, but I still did". Hisresponse was, well that's your problem. I was PISSED. I still am. Butthen when I got home I noticed he had cleaned the living room, madethe bed, done the dishes and was even doing laundry- now I can't beupset with him and it was wrong of me to be mad in the first place. Ihate this crap.Steff
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I promise that this is my last email. Carlos told me a little bit ago that had I had to drink my second supplement. I said, no I don't want too. He said that I have to and have no choice. There was no way in hell that I was going to so I continued to refuse. He then said, "do you want to get healthy" and I responded that I don't know. That clearly didn't work when he responded by saying "then you don't care about our relationship, because if you did then you would drink it and want to get healthy".I then broke down. That is bullshit. I do care about our relationship otherwise I wouldn't do half the shit I do. I care so much yhat I turned down a client, that wanted me to spend 3 nights with her pup, because I knew Carlos would not approve. I really wanted to but I knew that he wouldn't want me to.He doesn't see what I do. All anyone sees is what I don't do. It makes meMore pissed off and upset when he tries to force me to eat or drink a supplement.Just to make peace I drink it,or at least I pretend to. I'm so sick of this shit. I'm done with it all. It's all too much.I knew this week would be shitty, and after today I can safely say that I am accurate with my thoughts regarding this week. Maybe someone can just drug me up so I don't realize what's going on until next Monday.I'm done for now. My apologies.Steff
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Her response from the first email....
Hi Steff-
Congrats, this is awesome! I cannot comment on each of your ideas b/c I think we should do that during therapy, but all of it makes sense to me and it sounds real. I am very glad that you were able to share it and I hope you can value your thoughts as well. They are all important and maybe they can help us understand things a little better.
I know this week will be difficult, and I am sorry. I hope that you can hold me and the office in mind and use us when you need us.
Hang in there.
Joanna
Try telling myself that my feelings are legitimate for ten minutes? HaThat's bullshit. There is no way I can think like that. It just makes me furious to try to. There is always a reason that pops up to make it not legitimate.Today I kept trying to get myself to just pull out my journal and read some aof the things I wrote the past few days...but I couldn't. Just like how gettig angry with you is hard, so is this. Probably becUse part of it I do get angry at you.Friday journal entry:spinning spinning like a never ending merry-go/round. I have been very conscious of my thoughts since therapy yesterday, maybe a little too conscious. Everything in my head feels like its running a marathon.This morning while sleeping I had thoughts about all the fucked up food things I did last night plus the constant comparison between my sisters body and mine. I'm such a jerk.I also had some interesting thoughts/dreams about therapy- some true.1. I basically have memorized everything and the location of everything in Joannas office. I also came up with various qusesions about certain things and their arrangements but have managed to answer most of the questions myself.Her seat cushion is annoying because there is a space between the cushion and the chair recent change this Tuesday.Fan...what the fuck. It is always on no matter what time of year. Probably for noise distraction and circulation bc the Door is always shut.Two books always next to her chair- mangazine is semi new.I desperately want to know all that is on the bookshelf by the window. I can only see one book. Also there are papers on the top shelf yhat are disorganized.Harry potter series on the other shelf...really?!? I hate those books-gross.Clock- it kills me that Joanna is the only one who can see it. Time goes by way too fucking fast. Sometimes I try to look at my watch nonchalantly but I'm sure she notices.I even compare myself with her. Her ring is always backwards (pisses me off). I love her shoes and hair! I always want her shoes and would die to have her hair. Always dressed So simplistic which I love- most likely to avoid distractions and probably the same for the ring being backwards. Lastly I am dying to know what her necklace is. My best guess is that it is something catholic.Does she have kids? Doubtful because of all her dedication to her work, but she would be an amazing mother- I'll take her!!Computer recently turned slightly sideways towards the window. I feel like she did that because I always stare in that direction though I can't see shit. Yes I believe it's because of me.I have the same iPod nano case.Always has a mcdonalds ice coffee or coke zero to the right of her computer.I know I would be looked down upon if I brought that in. It's not fair that she can have that sitting there tempting me the whole time.I hate when the pillows are out of place on yhe couch.I always want to curl up in a ball on the couch but I don't want to offend her or have her think I'm crazy or get yelled at for putting my feet on the sofa. It's inappropriate.Cactus--Omg. And the stool?! Ahh. The plate it's on is always crooked. I want to fix it Soo badly.One of her licenses on the right of her GWU diploma is crooked. Is she blind?!?! Fix it Damnit.Her bag (not the brown leather backpack but the black (I think) that has NY 9/11...shit I can't remember what's on it. Regardless I want details on that. I bet she helped people through that. I want to know more.Blinds...when the door is open she clips them together probably So they don't make noise when the wind blows them.Everything is so perfectly organized. IHate it when something is changed.2. When I am staring into space while there and I am thinking of a reason or answer, this is what usually goes through my head.It could be this, Eh that's doubtful. Okay maybe this, nah that doesn't make sense. Oh this is totally why, no I don't think she will believe me. Ok this should be a good answer. But when I don't have anything, I want to sat "look I don't fucking know. Just tell me or ask a fucking different question. I don't have a damn answer. Nothing is going to come to my mind". But I don't say yhat because that would be rude and inappropriate, so i just stare and pretend I'm thinking. I hate when she sits siliently and waits for an answer. I DON'T FUCKING HAVE ONE. People don't always have a damn answer.3. Why is she only letting me come in next Monday. That's ridiculous. Does she actually think I can get by with just one day?! Hah. I know she is out we'd and I'm gone Thursday afternoon and Friday. But what about Tuesday or Thursday?!?!?! I'm free ALL day Tuesday and Thursday morning. If she really cared about me she would make time. But clearly just like everyone else, I am forgotten. I should of known better. I'm so god Damn pissed off. I want to yell, scream and punch her. Why does shit always happen like this to me. What the fuck.Sorry- now I'm contemplating even sending this because it's so rude.Steff
-------------------------
JoannaI know you have a life but it's going to drive me crazy if I don't geta response from the previous email. I feel that with no response itmeans that you are angry with what I said or that what i said waswrong and inappropriate. Obviously I don't want that to be the case,but i would rather know that than not getting any response.Also, tonight I just got myself back up from crying for a long while.Though now that I am home I feel like shit for saying/acting the way Idid. On my way home from practice I asked Carlos if he went to thestore and got the things he said he was going to get. He said hedidn't want to because it was raining. Who the hell doesn't get whatis absolutely NEEDED from the store just because it's raining?! I toldhim that he had said he was going to and it upset me that he didn't.No response. then instead of just saying that regardless of the rainhe should still fulfill what he said he was going to do, I stupidlysaid "I didn't want to coach in the rain today, but I still did". Hisresponse was, well that's your problem. I was PISSED. I still am. Butthen when I got home I noticed he had cleaned the living room, madethe bed, done the dishes and was even doing laundry- now I can't beupset with him and it was wrong of me to be mad in the first place. Ihate this crap.Steff
---------------------
I promise that this is my last email. Carlos told me a little bit ago that had I had to drink my second supplement. I said, no I don't want too. He said that I have to and have no choice. There was no way in hell that I was going to so I continued to refuse. He then said, "do you want to get healthy" and I responded that I don't know. That clearly didn't work when he responded by saying "then you don't care about our relationship, because if you did then you would drink it and want to get healthy".I then broke down. That is bullshit. I do care about our relationship otherwise I wouldn't do half the shit I do. I care so much yhat I turned down a client, that wanted me to spend 3 nights with her pup, because I knew Carlos would not approve. I really wanted to but I knew that he wouldn't want me to.He doesn't see what I do. All anyone sees is what I don't do. It makes meMore pissed off and upset when he tries to force me to eat or drink a supplement.Just to make peace I drink it,or at least I pretend to. I'm so sick of this shit. I'm done with it all. It's all too much.I knew this week would be shitty, and after today I can safely say that I am accurate with my thoughts regarding this week. Maybe someone can just drug me up so I don't realize what's going on until next Monday.I'm done for now. My apologies.Steff
-------------
Her response from the first email....
Hi Steff-
Congrats, this is awesome! I cannot comment on each of your ideas b/c I think we should do that during therapy, but all of it makes sense to me and it sounds real. I am very glad that you were able to share it and I hope you can value your thoughts as well. They are all important and maybe they can help us understand things a little better.
I know this week will be difficult, and I am sorry. I hope that you can hold me and the office in mind and use us when you need us.
Hang in there.
Joanna
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