Six Weeks
Sometimes I wonder is I need to be in a psychiatric hospital. Somewhere skilled professionals will treat me, ease my pain...then I remember, it's only been six weeks. Six weeks ago my baby girl took her life, she took mine too. It has been six weeks, plus one day, of crying, screaming...mental, physical and emotional pain that should have killed me by now. How can a human being endure so much pain and keep on living??? If it was caused by some disease, surely I would have passed on too by now. It's inhumane, this level of pain...I have short periods of peace and think I am improving, but then I fall into the abyss of pain...I feel like I am living inside the painting by Edvard Munch, The Scream, just raw, visceral pain that makes me want to claw the skin off my face...then I remember, it's only been six weeks.
The days go by slow, but the weeks go by fast. I don't know how that works, but it's how it seems. Everyone tells me it will become more bearable, in time...six weeks is no time, except to me, it is. Will I be better in twelve weeks??? Probably not...a year??? I have a very bad feeling that the anniversary of this tragedy will not ease my pain...facing another February 2nd will probably be very difficult. I have no idea how many February 2nd's I will face in my life but I just can't imagine any will bring me anything other than more horror, more sorrow...everyone tells me to hang on...maybe it's just my personality, I think "Why??" Why on earth would anyone want to live like this??? What if it doesn't get better???
The days go by slow, but the weeks go by fast. I don't know how that works, but it's how it seems. Everyone tells me it will become more bearable, in time...six weeks is no time, except to me, it is. Will I be better in twelve weeks??? Probably not...a year??? I have a very bad feeling that the anniversary of this tragedy will not ease my pain...facing another February 2nd will probably be very difficult. I have no idea how many February 2nd's I will face in my life but I just can't imagine any will bring me anything other than more horror, more sorrow...everyone tells me to hang on...maybe it's just my personality, I think "Why??" Why on earth would anyone want to live like this??? What if it doesn't get better???
Replies
The pain, sorrow and grief is so new and raw @ 3 weeks. I found this wonderful site almost 3 /4 weeks after my loss and I thought i was losing it too. Be gentle to yourself. Again, i\'m soooo sorry for your loss .. sigh..
If you need professional help don\'t hesitate to get it. I have been in the hospital twice for depression since I lost my son. It\'s OK! I have a therapist that I have seen for two years also whom has been my saving grace! This is the hardest journey to bear. It is so fresh for you. So sorry for your loss. I promise you the pain will soften but there are roller coasters to live with.
This journey you do not have bear alone. There are so many wonderful women with FMO. Sisters of the heart.
Joan xoxoxo
The pain is incredible and you need to do what is right for you. Please talk to your doctor or your therapist and let them help to gauge what might help. I wish I could tell you that it will be better soon...but it is a long road. Ups and downs...severe turns...we have felt what you are feeling...know that...and know that we have \"made it\" and you will too. It seems impossible but somehow it happens. It will be seven years for my Alex on May 18th...still can make me weak in the knees...but it doesn\'t last as long. I enjoy life, smile, laugh and live. You will make it...love and gentle hugs...Karen
If you are wondering if you may need skilled professional help, then possibly you do. I\'ve needed it myself & am receiving some much needed therapy. A therapist can assess your needs & make recommendations, like therapy, out patient treatment or possibly in patient treatment. There is absolutely no shame in seeking help because we have suffered the most devastating emotional wound ever. I hope with all my heart that your short periods of peace turn into longer periods of peace. Hugs of understanding....Vicki
The pain of child loss is especially intense in the early part of our journey--but I have found it will get less painful--considerably less--just keep trudging along and take it slow and easySeeing a therapist may very well be a good option--maybe just to let it all out to a trained professionalLove, Donna
I think you should seek out whatever help you feel you need. There is no shame in admitting you need help. Most of us (soths) have at one time or another had to see a trained therapist. Some were helped, some not so much. Maybe someone in your area can reccommend someone to you.
Just try to realize that at 6 weeks, the pain is so raw and new. The shock is so hard to deal with. Be very careful with yourself. One day at a time, one step at a time, one breath at a time, etc....
((((HUGS))))....Julia
Follow those nudges and seek all the help that is available. I believe that a therapeutic relationship, bereavement group, etc., are the containers for our sorrow. They can help \"hold the space\" and let it not feel so dark and vast by being present to your pain. This is all that any of us can do for one another is to lovingly companion and witness and if you are feeling this might be helpful then you are so very wise to check it out.
I cannot even remember six weeks or even six months... That cocoon of fog held me tightly and I truly believe that my best was to go about the motions of living. Thank goodness I didn\'t have to \"think\" to breathe because it just would not have happened.
Knowing that everything you are feeling, not feeling is what it needs to be for this moment and that it slowly will change and evolve as you do is the shred of hope and humanness to hold onto now.
Loving care to you, Gina, and stay close. We are here and will help you hold your heart when it feels too painful to stay contained within you.
Hand in hand and Heart to heart with SO much understanding. I HATE this for ALL of us, truly I do.
XO Joanie
I spent three days and three nights in the psych ward, where I put myself the day my daughter did what she did. I was medicated to the gills....Ativan. Mourning is not a mental illness. They let me go home that Saturday. There are no pills to fix this. There are some to help: Xanax helped me enormously, I only take one at bedtime now. The thing about the psych ward that I remember most vividly were the other patients. Now, I was in the lock down part. The other patients took care of me, not the doctor, not the nurses, the patients. I would leave my room clutching a pillow and they would surround me, take me to a chair in their midst; they would lead me to breakfast, lunch and dinner and made sure I ate. Once I fell asleep on the couch in front of the TV and one of them covered me with a blanket. These people, living the horror of mental illness, most of them in and out of psych wards their entire lives and taking all sorts of meds, gave me love, comfort, kindness and care. You don\'t belong in a psych ward, neither did I, it was an attempt at escape. Instead, it opened for me a whole new way of seeing people, and seeing the illness that killed my kid.
I didn\'t believe it either when I was told it \"will get easier, different\". Right now, I feel crushed but there are too many things happening in my life and it\'s tilting my life boat: house will be sold in two weeks (the house I bought because I thought my daughter would be comfortable in it); dog is sick; stupid tooth thing. My lifeboat is rocking. But I\'m nowhere near as incapacitated and dysfunctional as I was in March, April, May, June, July of 2011, and still into 2012. There\'s one escape. You don\'t want that on your daughter\'s soul, do you? I know I don\'t. So I keep living.
And so must you. You are \"normal\", you are processing a great tragedy, I think perhaps talking to your physician about short term anxiety medication like Xanax might be an option but perhaps not, that\'s your decision. There will never be another event in your life, including your own death, that will hurt as much as this. I am now fearless. God bless you and comfort you.
Oh my dear. I wish I could be there to cry with you.
I so agree with the other moms. Please don\'t hesitate to go for professional help. The pain is so palpable, and the mixture of emotions is so hard to deal with.
Love and caring hugs,
Marlene
It has only been 6 weeks you are going up and down in turmoi, dispair, wondering wwhy your daughter took her own life/ How could you not know if she was that depressed. was it my fault, I was a good mom, just all these thoughts , When my daughter died it took close to 2 years before I could stop crying. The first 6 weeks I was like a robot I was sooooo sadd so down. And I had so many things to do to sell her home go through her stuff and just cry and cry and cry. The jouney is a hard one but it will get better. But it takes time . I have a shrinkk and take medication have to. grief counslors are free. I wish I had some magical words to make you feel better. Just don,t. do you pray ever that helps somehat. Please remember we are all with you. We have all lost our kids or kid it is hard. Take baby steps right now. Bless your special angel hugs and love mary ann.
I wish I could be there to hold you. I know I sound like a repeating robot, but really, it will get better. And no, it will not be tomorrow or next week. I am like Joanie, I was in a self-contained cocoon for at least a year. I had to go to work. I had to drive myself there. I had to do what I had to do and I did it in a zombie/robotic like state. I think, for me, being forced to stay busy helped me through. You are so very new to all this! Damn those ups and downs.
Peace.
Gina, as others have said, your daughters passing is so new and raw. The pain does become lighter; easier to bear. If you feel you need professional help then do pursue it. I went to grief counseling and it helped me to know I hadn\'t lost my mind. That the pain is \"normal\" and intense but the intensity decreases over time.
My phone cut off the rest of my comment. I want to send you love, understanding and healing light, Linda, Ed\'s mom
Six weeks, don\'t expect anything of yourself just continue to breathe. I accepted within days of Matthew\'s passing that the pain would be with me forever. And seven years later it still crushes me regularly. At times I still wonder how I survived, how I continue too. The darkness comes in and I cry and wallow and rally at the heavens that be for this life of mine, and yet then I crawl out and pick myself up because Matthew would expect me too. The pain is softened, I do live life, and yet I still face the dark days. All of us still have the pain, we\'ve just chosen to live in spite of it! Your loss is so recent, I believe you are very lucky to have found FMO so soon. And attending the retreat will be very emotional, but this group of women have all been where you are and their capacity to LOVE is huge!