Six months
It's six months since DH passed. Seems incredible. My life is so different from last year. Here I sit, in a new apartment, with all new furniture. I'm writing in front of a fireplace that didn't exist last year. I'm listening to the logs crackle, thinking back one year.
My granddaughter is having a birthday party. She will be one years old, which means my husband hardly got to know her and she'll have no memories of him. Sad, but I've got the anger under control. Last year, the last conversations I had with my husband was about working too hard and not taking care of himself. He lived on salt and 2 hours sleep. I remember telling him, if you won't live for me, then do it for your grandkids. He didn't listen, went back to working till he literally dropped which happened the next day.
So here I am. A beautiful grandchild of 1 and grandson who just turned 6 and I can't help feeling hopeless because they missed out on one of the great guys. They'll never have stories to tell. In so many ways I'd rather it have been me. If I had died, everyone would have been okay. I mean, I'm the step-grandma and there's just my father to consider.
So sad.
So back to my fireplace. I love it. It's electric and I've got on the crackling fireplace sound I found on a recording. Really helps me to chill. I plan to start getting back in shape by doing yoga while it's on. It heats too, so I'm all set for winter.
My granddaughter is having a birthday party. She will be one years old, which means my husband hardly got to know her and she'll have no memories of him. Sad, but I've got the anger under control. Last year, the last conversations I had with my husband was about working too hard and not taking care of himself. He lived on salt and 2 hours sleep. I remember telling him, if you won't live for me, then do it for your grandkids. He didn't listen, went back to working till he literally dropped which happened the next day.
So here I am. A beautiful grandchild of 1 and grandson who just turned 6 and I can't help feeling hopeless because they missed out on one of the great guys. They'll never have stories to tell. In so many ways I'd rather it have been me. If I had died, everyone would have been okay. I mean, I'm the step-grandma and there's just my father to consider.
So sad.
So back to my fireplace. I love it. It's electric and I've got on the crackling fireplace sound I found on a recording. Really helps me to chill. I plan to start getting back in shape by doing yoga while it's on. It heats too, so I'm all set for winter.
Replies
good for you that you have such new surroundings to start over. I hear you and feel for you. Will be 4 months in a few weeks for me. I\'m a step-grand as well and the hard part is losing them all as well. Without the connection of their dad it\'s easier for them to just go back to dealing with their mom. Know how you feel about thinking it would have been easier to be the one that died but we have to remember we are here for a reason. They didn\'t listen and care for themselves then suffered the consequences. Hard but true. So be sure to care for yourself and enjoy the fireplace. Hugs to you..
Six months for me this month on the 15th. Our anniversary is next Sunday the 10th. I looked at pictures taken from our early years this am. We were married 6 1/2 years. He was the step-grandpa...took care to exercise daily....didn\'t eat all that well--sugar, pepsi...but all in all great shape for a 63 year old EXCEPT for his liver. He had lesions all over it. Found out in December \'09 and he died April \'10.
My sweet grandson got to know Papa for a 1 and 1/2...still asks for Papa? Don\'t know that he will remember that much, but pictures help.
I am living in our house surrounded by his things. Sometimes I take comfort in the order he brought to his precious collections and to our home. Other times I think I should start taking down the antlers, the duck decoys and the memorabilia from his past. My counselor says all in my own time; when my soul tells me it is time to put things away.
I also have a gas fireplace; I think I\'ll look for a recording of a crackling fire.
I start an 8 week grief class this week, which will take me up to the holidays.
I wish you well on your journey. I too wish that I had gone first; but again we are here for a reason.
Hugs,
Becky
I wished I could have changed places with Smokey in a heart beat. I wished he would have lived and it was me that was taken. I know in your journal writing you said the same thing about you and DH. We have our own personal reasons we wish it were so but it is not. We are the survivors so let\'s enjoy the life that God has blessed us with now. From Diane B.
I know if I had gone first my husband would never have been able to survive this grief journey...we knew he was terminal and we talked a lot about my life after he passed...and he always said he would have never been able to live without me...and know I truly beleive it...he was so sensitive and loving and compassionate that being alone in this empty house would have put him over the top... I think the bigger plan has it all worked out for us..now I can think of him and love him as he lived and not as he died...it is up to you to have the grandchildren know him as you did..hugs Ellen
From what I\'ve learned about you here, you would be deeply missed.