Sisters
My Sisters, you are all giving me such comfort...truly there is nothing else you can do...I am taking my medication, journaling when I feel it needs to be done...and yet...my life feels so empty, I feel so empty. Nothing is going to bring my Cassi back...my husband does the best he can...he stayed home from work today because he was worried about me...but he is dozing in his recliner...when I try to talk to him he either gets mad or upset. He just doesn't have the communication gene...a lot of men don't. It didn't bother me before, for I had the most awesome friend...she understood me, she got me, we could communicate with a look...she was my everything, I made her my everything, now she is gone.
I know I have to find a new "self" and I don't know how to do that. My husband will be retiring at the end of the year and has planned for us to move back home...the home we raised Cassi in. I don't know if I can bear it, I truly don't. It has been so bad already, I have been through so much...to move back into the home she lived her entire life in, before college. Then when I think of that, I wonder how long I will live before I die of natural causes...do I have another 40 years of loneliness, sadness???
I know I have to find a new "self" and I don't know how to do that. My husband will be retiring at the end of the year and has planned for us to move back home...the home we raised Cassi in. I don't know if I can bear it, I truly don't. It has been so bad already, I have been through so much...to move back into the home she lived her entire life in, before college. Then when I think of that, I wonder how long I will live before I die of natural causes...do I have another 40 years of loneliness, sadness???
Replies
I know, sweet friend. I was 54 when Eddie died and I was so afraid of living the years I have left. But I just try not to think that far into the future. Joanie, Living Juicy, uses an analogy of a miners hard hat. You know the kind with the light on it? It only illuminates a few steps ahead. If we can just get to the few steps ahead, the next few steps, then the next. One foot in front of the other...
I could not talk to Ken either. He wanted to fix this - fix me. I decided to go to a grief counselor. It was helpful. Have you considered grief counseling? It is a safe place to cry and get some coping skills & talk about your child.
Tightest of hugs, Linda
We are standing shoulder to shoulder and in that solidarity is the comfort and the need to do nothing but to BE with one another. Thank goodness we can speak this language of grief, loss and one day even finding hope in the midst. It is a totally foreign language to all others, isn\'t it?
I am so very hopeful that the two of you can discuss in time the house situation. If it not something you can bear then there is no way you should have to. So many things on this path we don\'t have any control over, yet where you are going to live should be one of them that you can discuss together.
The self that you are discovering takes much time and patience to \"get to know.\" She is so very fragile and vulnerable so nothing feels okay to her for long. An infant with very raw, pink skin that needs so much protection from all the \"elements\" of life that are coming her way. She\'s a fickle self often and just when you think you have her \"figured out\" she changes once again. This has all been part of my journey with trying to become acquainted with my new self and she still surprises me at times... Do not have too many expectations of her, Gina, at this time. Nurture her and allow her lots of wiggle room to find her truth and to speak it. Don\'t be surprised at what that truth might look and feel like, either. It\'s your truth and that is all that matters and it does not have to make sense to anyone. No explanations needed!
Gentle care dearest Gina and the tightest of heart (((hugs))) that I have.
XO Joanie
Oh Gina. That empty feeling is so familiar to me. Lisa was my best friend too - she lived 1500 miles away but we had good long distance plans so we talked daily, sometimes more often. If either of us didn\'t hear from the other in a couple of days, we would be frantic.
For a long time, I no longer knew how I fit in the world. All my expectations were kaput. I was so angry at times I could chew nails. I tried different jobs as work was a place I felt needed, and I was too busy to think of Lisa for a while.
I had coffee today with a colleague who got a contract job for me about a year after Lisa died. I thought I was doing okay at the time but when I look back, I realize how hard it was for me to concentrate. A job that would normally take 15 minutes took an hour or 2. I apologized to her. She assured me that I was fine.
I guess what I am getting at is that you are at the beginning of your new life. It takes time to adapt to the new normal. We all cope in different ways. Hence the difficulty with your husband. I suspect he is like Joe. I would think that he was angry with me as his tone of voice sounded so angry, It took a long time before I realized that he was angry at himself because he couldn\'t make it all better.
It is hard to believe now, but gradually, the new life begins to fit. A new person emerges; a person who is strong, a person who will always have a broken heart but now knows how to live life. There is no getting around it, you will always miss Cassi, as I miss Lisa. But we learn to live with the pain and longing and we can begin to enjoy our new life - I can now laugh again and think again. I still cry but that is okay too.
As Joanie said, you are in the process of getting to know the new you. Take care of Gina. It takes time to figure things out, and just when you think you are succeeding, something happens that makes you wonder all over again. But gradually you do come out of the fog and life has a purpose again.
Wishing you smooth traveling on this horrendous journey.
Just know that you are not alone.
Love and hugs,
Marlene
So much love and wisdom has been shared above, I really have nothing new to add.....just agreement and much LOVE being sent to you.
One thing I will say is we were in the process of building our \"dream\" home when Kala had her accident. It was two year project.....Kala\'s accident happened about midway through. I could not get out of our old house fast enough! Walking past her bedroom everyday, seeing her empty parking spot in the driveway, well it was excruciating for me. Yes, in the beginning I slept in her bed and spend most of my time in her room, but once I was able to move past those needs in search of ME again, I just couldn\'t bare living there any more. So, we moved into our barn! Then as the lower rooms of the house were close to being finished, we moved in there....then eventually upstairs to the main living space. And now, we are planning to move again. This house no longer \"fits\" our needs or desires, so it\'s time to find our next adventure.
If you know you cannot move back to the home in which Cassi was raised, don\'t. There are always other options when it comes to things like this. Some moms need to stay in their homes because their children were raised there and for them, that is what they should do. It just wasn\'t that way for me.
One thing I\'ve learned about this new me is she doesn\'t like traditions! Never say never I know, but I honestly do not see ever holding to any tradition ever again.
May you feel loved and supported and heard by not only us, but your husband too. I\'m praying he finds the words and actions which will bring you the most comfort.
Tight heart hugs dear one~~
Andy was angry at April for almost three years. Something changed that, I don\'t know what it was and I don\'t ask any questions. We live 150 miles apart. We might has well have lived 150 miles apart when we were in the same town. He fell so short of fathering his daughter that he must have been protecting himself from that stark reality. And I was destroyed for so long it frightened him, and that made him even angrier. Before the last month or two of her life, while talking to him I felt as if I was talking to a total stranger, a neighbor up the street who really couldn\'t care less. It was his emotional unavailability. Your husband is probably confused and angry also, not at you but at the situation, its unfairness. No one has the right to force you to live in a place you cannot even step foot into. But at this time, you must set aside any expectations you have of him and not judge him or you find your marriage a shambles and that would be a great tragedy for both of you. You need each other, but you do not need to live up to one another\'s expectations. This is the worst horror any parent can endure. Ultimately even when (or if) surrounded by people who care about you, you are alone inside yourself. No one can touch that aloneness or heal it, no one but God. And often, those who \"speak for God\" (the hubris of that is mind blowing to me) are the worst of all.
I have been in your shoes and in fact I still am in many ways. Happily, I am much older than you are, far less probability of having to endure much more than ten or fifteen years of this. I don\'t have any answers like those offered by the wiser Moms posted above. I\'m still in the lifeboat, with the tiger. There is still no land in sight. Sometimes I think I see it, but it is only a mirage. And every day, I open my eyes not knowing if the tiger will be ferocious, docile, threatening, placid.....no way to know. Yesterday, it was a \"good\" day without tears. Today is another story. A wind is picking up, a storm is brewing on the horizon. Will my lifeboat withstand another serious storm? May God bless you.
I know you don\'t want to be in the \"now\" days, these days are so riddled with grief. It will soon be 5 years for me. I am healing. Last year I went through a terrible time, the moms were talking about the retreat and for medical reasons I could not go. I was resentful and avoided this site. I started buying African Violets and other plants. I was starting to emerge. In high school I majored in botany and zoology. Now I have 10 pets, (6 are fish.) I over bought on plants and they have grown and multiplied throughout the house. I feel Josh has had a hand in this as this was the way he grew up. When he left for the Air Force, he was placed in Alaska and asked me what plants would grow there because 6 months of light and 6 months of dark is not good for a lot of plants. This year the retreat talk does not bother me, I am just busy with my plants and training my service dog and of course caring for my two other dogs and cat. Josh loved animals as well. He had 3 cats and 5 turtles. I feel God\'s presence and I feel Josh\'s presence as I nurture my love of plants and biology. There is not a day that goes by that I don\'t think of the moms here and I do check in at some point in the day. Time does not heal but it does mellow our pain.
Hugs,
Leda
I was interrupted by a phone call. My husband and I grieved very differently. He had to stay busy, busy, busy until he dropped falling asleep with his mouth open wide. He picked up poop in the yard even though there wasn\'t any. He had a hard time in the garage because it was the space that he and Josh shared. On the second angelversary he headed out to work, I stopped him because I needed him. Men grieve differently. Never did I think that we would not make it through this time. Men are fixers, but you can\'t fix the loss of a child so they don\'t know what to do...
When I was first bereaved (30 years ago this Dec.) all I could see was a very long tunnel of empty time ahead of meI knew no one that survived child loss and seemed \"normal\"my feeling then, was, \"How can I spend the rest of my life LIKE THIS?\"
Thankfully, the worst of the feelings eased up over time. \"Triggers\" greatly lessened due to constant repetition. My reactions weren\'t surprising to me or scary any longer. Most completely went away.
Finally being willing to admit in my heart that, yes, my children are (physically) gone, combined with having extreme woulda/coulda/shoulda\'s, was the lowest point for me. I needed Jesus\' help to pull me up out of that pit. I could not do it alone--I was just too devastated to even think-- much less take positive action on my own.
Don\'t look too far ahead. It helps to just take one day at a time to get through. I had to come to some kind of \"conclusion\" or closure, about everything that was bothersome to me (\"issues\")and after that grief work, the burden was much lighter. Now things are radically different. I can look at photos and actually smile at how cute they were back then! I\'m excited to see them again and wonder what that will be like... I\'m just glad they\'ve been spared the painful experiences of earthly life. I focus now on our Reunion-that\'s why I use that screen name--we have much to look forward to. Don\'t ever give up! The tougher skin you will acquire over time, will decrease your sensitivity to painful stimuli! Love, Donna