Single Awareness Day
Rarely do my journal entries contain angry rants and raves. But damn. Today is a day all about love and appreciation. And I haven't felt squat.
This ain't even about being single. I'm totally okay with that. Essentially, I don't consider myself single anymore because of a crazy turn of events that I will write about when I sort out those feelings.
I at least expect to hear from my family. The day is still early, so we'll see. I guess things with my mom and sister have been on my mind more than I want them to. I've been on my own for so long that I forget what it's like to have them around. On a lot of occasions I have went home, bearing gifts and smiles. All I want is the occasional text or call saying "Hey, I'm thinking about you. Love you and hope all is well." I have never received this. I'll get a message if someone is in trouble or needs money, but I never get happy ones.
It was always my mom, my sister, and me. Throughout my whole childhood. Between my dad, my moms other boyfriends, my sister's depression, all of it. We remained SO close. But when my mom was unable to take care of us and we moved away, my mom lost contact with my sister and me. However mad I am at her for that, I have forgiven her. My sister soon went back to live with her and I remained on my own, for good reason. I felt like I had more of a chance if I didn't have to rely on someone for my basic needs. As a 20 year old today, I'd say I made the right decision.
Nothing is more hurtful that doing the right thing, and being told it's wrong. I feel like I'm wrong. For turning my back on my family and focusing on self-success. I left them in the dust to become independent, so I try to make up for it by constant visits and gifts and shit. All I want is a text that says they miss me too.
It wouldn't be so bad, if it wasn't for one thing. I have a half-sister that we didn't grow up with. For 16 years, we didn't even have any contact with her. She's very successful and lovely to be around. I've actually visited her a few times and she's great. She lives farther away from my family than I do, and my sister and mom contact her more. My family's never visited her to vice versa. My mom makes more of an effort to talk to her than me on a regular basis. It's so damn frustrating.
Here I am, trying to make a better life for myself so I can help them, and I don't get squat in return. But this other daughter, who has made no attempt to contact them before I tracked her down, gets all the attention. I may sound selfish and whiney right now, but that's how I feel.
I'm at a point in my life where I need to figure out where I'm going to go, and what I'm going to do with myself. And I get this nagging feeling that my family is just going to drag me down. If I'm not worth their time, why should they be worth mine? If anything happened to them, I'd feel guilty for not seeing them as much as I could. But is that a good reason to keep in contact with someone? I mean, if they don't want me, why do I keep trying?
This whole situation is sucking the life out of me. And I'm supposed to go back and visit this weekend. I'm debating on just making it a "friends" weekend and not telling my family I'm not coming up. Gosh, I feel like a horrible person.
On this day of love, I wish everyone well. Lord knows this isn't going to be an easy day for me. I will be envious of all the flowers, but excited for all the discounted candy tomorrow. :)
This ain't even about being single. I'm totally okay with that. Essentially, I don't consider myself single anymore because of a crazy turn of events that I will write about when I sort out those feelings.
I at least expect to hear from my family. The day is still early, so we'll see. I guess things with my mom and sister have been on my mind more than I want them to. I've been on my own for so long that I forget what it's like to have them around. On a lot of occasions I have went home, bearing gifts and smiles. All I want is the occasional text or call saying "Hey, I'm thinking about you. Love you and hope all is well." I have never received this. I'll get a message if someone is in trouble or needs money, but I never get happy ones.
It was always my mom, my sister, and me. Throughout my whole childhood. Between my dad, my moms other boyfriends, my sister's depression, all of it. We remained SO close. But when my mom was unable to take care of us and we moved away, my mom lost contact with my sister and me. However mad I am at her for that, I have forgiven her. My sister soon went back to live with her and I remained on my own, for good reason. I felt like I had more of a chance if I didn't have to rely on someone for my basic needs. As a 20 year old today, I'd say I made the right decision.
Nothing is more hurtful that doing the right thing, and being told it's wrong. I feel like I'm wrong. For turning my back on my family and focusing on self-success. I left them in the dust to become independent, so I try to make up for it by constant visits and gifts and shit. All I want is a text that says they miss me too.
It wouldn't be so bad, if it wasn't for one thing. I have a half-sister that we didn't grow up with. For 16 years, we didn't even have any contact with her. She's very successful and lovely to be around. I've actually visited her a few times and she's great. She lives farther away from my family than I do, and my sister and mom contact her more. My family's never visited her to vice versa. My mom makes more of an effort to talk to her than me on a regular basis. It's so damn frustrating.
Here I am, trying to make a better life for myself so I can help them, and I don't get squat in return. But this other daughter, who has made no attempt to contact them before I tracked her down, gets all the attention. I may sound selfish and whiney right now, but that's how I feel.
I'm at a point in my life where I need to figure out where I'm going to go, and what I'm going to do with myself. And I get this nagging feeling that my family is just going to drag me down. If I'm not worth their time, why should they be worth mine? If anything happened to them, I'd feel guilty for not seeing them as much as I could. But is that a good reason to keep in contact with someone? I mean, if they don't want me, why do I keep trying?
This whole situation is sucking the life out of me. And I'm supposed to go back and visit this weekend. I'm debating on just making it a "friends" weekend and not telling my family I'm not coming up. Gosh, I feel like a horrible person.
On this day of love, I wish everyone well. Lord knows this isn't going to be an easy day for me. I will be envious of all the flowers, but excited for all the discounted candy tomorrow. :)
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