*sigh* (possible trigger)

I wish I could say, "Today was a fantastic day!"  I did right by not giving Tony a copy of my journal entry from yesterday.  I was just venting.  I've sinced thrown the entry away.I was incredibly upset this morning.  I felt alone & scared.  Deep breathing wasn't working.  In fact, I felt as if I were choking or hyperventilating.So, I cut myself - pretty deep this time.  It was maybe at most a 1/4 inch deep.  It didn't bleed much only because as soon as I saw what I did (mind you, I'm sitting at work in a room by myself holding a straight edge razor), I knew it was bad, wrong, & incredibly dumb.  So, I grabbed some band-aids from our 1st aid box, went to the bathroom, "mushed" the skin on my calf back together & put band-aids on.  Ok, I lie.  Before I did that, I placed some tissue on the wound held in place by duct tape (lol, I'm of the camp that duct tape fixes EVERYTHING!).  Anyhow, 10 hours later, the wound is still somewhat weepy.  It doesn't hurt anymore.  When I came home, I washed it w/ hydrogen peroxide & put some "neosporin" & fresh band-aids on (it's wide enough to require 2 band-aids to cover the slit).I saw my family doc today.  I didn't have him examine the wound.  I was afraid of receiving a lecture or advice that I should go get stitches.  He made me promise to see a psychiatrist & therapist.  I did.  I even signed on a little "contract" he wrote up.  I don't know if I'll follow through though.  He increased my happy pills to 40mg.  20mg hasn't done shit.  I just feel so stupid.  I'm trying not to berate myself.  I can't help it.  How can I stop?!  It's been over 30 years in this wretched shell.  Part of me says I can only get better from here.  But realistically, every time I think I hit "rock bottom" I find out it's not really the bottom, just a ledge.  I can fall lower.  That's not reassuring, I know.  But it's the truth.  I can take an amazing lot of crap & still persist.The point is I don't want to just persist!  I want to live, love, & enjoy everything life has to offer.  I want to weather the storms w/ pride & tact.  At this point, today, I really want to cry but I can't.  I hate that feeling... when you want to let it all out but your body refuses to let go.That's one of the things I used to like about cutting.  After I did it, I felt good.  It was cathartic.  Today it wasn't.  It just made me feel 100x worse.  Does that mean I'll finally change for the better?*sigh*When in doubt, there's always music to lift me up ...  <object type="application/x-shockwave-flash" data="http://widgets.clearspring.com/o/48178b32e49a049e/48e41ca931df60fd/4817be0f97c63042/e7b91d58/-cpid/8233f439f63f96e8" id="W48178b32e49a049e48e41ca931df60fd" width="300" height="370"><param name="movie" value="http://widgets.clearspring.com/o/48178b32e49a049e/48e41ca931df60fd/4817be0f97c63042/e7b91d58/-cpid/8233f439f63f96e8" /><param name="wmode" value="transparent" /><param name="allowNetworking" value="all" /><param name="allowScriptAccess" value="always" /></object>