sigh......bummin out, sorry.
DS is completely wonky again. Not getting notices when people write journals and they don't seem to be receiving my hug messages........so sigh.
Last night I started feeling sorry for myself. Thinking about the loss of active friendships with people I have known for years........sometimes it still hurts. I had dinner with one of those friends in August and wanted to reciprocate......take her out to dinner for her October Birthday. She never responded to my invitation.......not a word. Is it childish to tell you that it hurts? It does.........I did a follow up and wished her an early Happy Birthday and again issued an invite.
Again no response........so last night I did the unthinkable......I went to FB. I stay away normally because I know it hurts to go there. And there it was.........my too busy to call me friend is making new friends and posting stuff and wishing another friend Happy Birthday and inviting her to come here for a visit. I know this sounds childish and small. I know that healthier people may not ever get this......but a life off road is different. I don't vacation, I don't have social things happening to share and photos of my trip to the lake, the concert, the new restaurant. I have none of that to share. I can handle this from people who are acquaintances.......but from people that I love, it is still so hard. I did not retire to go golfing on Maui. With my longtime friend it is time to just let her go.........accept the need to grieve, and let go. She is no longer meant for my journey.......sounds nicer to say than she rejected me cause I'm disabled and can't be an active kicking up dust kind of friend anymore.
Why she couldn't be polite and follow even the basic rules of etiquette?
I wanted to shake it off......I marched into the living room and picked out a movie to take me completely out of that mindset. I don't know the title, but all of a sudden I was one of the soldiers about to parachute out of a chopper.......Samuel Jackson was playing the part of my hard as nails tough commander and he was laying it on hard and thick. The rain was coming down in sheets.....the winds were coming in with hurricane force and he was sending us in on another maneuver.
We were as tired as any group of soldiers could be, he had kept us out in the jungle for days on end............climbing sheer rocks cliffs....carrying those heavy packs and he never ever gave us any slack, encouragement or peace. We were starving, soaked to the bone, covered in mud and trying to avoid the snakes. Helluva way to die, snakebite...... He either hated you or he really hated you........YUP > I IMMERSED myself in this film. I jumped out of the plane and landed in the heavy brush.......rolled and got back up running with my AK47..........shots were being fired all around me. Heard and saw a huge blast in the trees.......a grenade? Mortar fire? It is hard to feel sorry for yourself when you are in the fight of your life.........
My life is small and plain. It is simple to the max. Help me Lord to be grateful for what I have, what I can and to let go of what I cannot, what is gone and what is not for me. Boy am I feeling sorry for me........
Reality is hard sometimes. It is easier to jump out of a chopper into the jungle and face sniper fire with a heavy pack on my back in an imaginary world than to face the continuous pain of rejection, lack of compassion and care from long time friends and family members. It is easier to be on my own and make the world a happy place to exist in than to seek out the reasons why so many have lost their heart for one on one connections with not just someone like me, but me. Hard to not take it personally.
I have not lost heart, I moved mentally to survive on a different plane.......a place where time almost stands still. A place where it is an adventure to make it through a room.......to make a meal. To do simple chores......everything is a challenge. I miss the life I lived, it is a part of me.......does life miss me?
Last night I started feeling sorry for myself. Thinking about the loss of active friendships with people I have known for years........sometimes it still hurts. I had dinner with one of those friends in August and wanted to reciprocate......take her out to dinner for her October Birthday. She never responded to my invitation.......not a word. Is it childish to tell you that it hurts? It does.........I did a follow up and wished her an early Happy Birthday and again issued an invite.
Again no response........so last night I did the unthinkable......I went to FB. I stay away normally because I know it hurts to go there. And there it was.........my too busy to call me friend is making new friends and posting stuff and wishing another friend Happy Birthday and inviting her to come here for a visit. I know this sounds childish and small. I know that healthier people may not ever get this......but a life off road is different. I don't vacation, I don't have social things happening to share and photos of my trip to the lake, the concert, the new restaurant. I have none of that to share. I can handle this from people who are acquaintances.......but from people that I love, it is still so hard. I did not retire to go golfing on Maui. With my longtime friend it is time to just let her go.........accept the need to grieve, and let go. She is no longer meant for my journey.......sounds nicer to say than she rejected me cause I'm disabled and can't be an active kicking up dust kind of friend anymore.
Why she couldn't be polite and follow even the basic rules of etiquette?
I wanted to shake it off......I marched into the living room and picked out a movie to take me completely out of that mindset. I don't know the title, but all of a sudden I was one of the soldiers about to parachute out of a chopper.......Samuel Jackson was playing the part of my hard as nails tough commander and he was laying it on hard and thick. The rain was coming down in sheets.....the winds were coming in with hurricane force and he was sending us in on another maneuver.
We were as tired as any group of soldiers could be, he had kept us out in the jungle for days on end............climbing sheer rocks cliffs....carrying those heavy packs and he never ever gave us any slack, encouragement or peace. We were starving, soaked to the bone, covered in mud and trying to avoid the snakes. Helluva way to die, snakebite...... He either hated you or he really hated you........YUP > I IMMERSED myself in this film. I jumped out of the plane and landed in the heavy brush.......rolled and got back up running with my AK47..........shots were being fired all around me. Heard and saw a huge blast in the trees.......a grenade? Mortar fire? It is hard to feel sorry for yourself when you are in the fight of your life.........
My life is small and plain. It is simple to the max. Help me Lord to be grateful for what I have, what I can and to let go of what I cannot, what is gone and what is not for me. Boy am I feeling sorry for me........
Reality is hard sometimes. It is easier to jump out of a chopper into the jungle and face sniper fire with a heavy pack on my back in an imaginary world than to face the continuous pain of rejection, lack of compassion and care from long time friends and family members. It is easier to be on my own and make the world a happy place to exist in than to seek out the reasons why so many have lost their heart for one on one connections with not just someone like me, but me. Hard to not take it personally.
I have not lost heart, I moved mentally to survive on a different plane.......a place where time almost stands still. A place where it is an adventure to make it through a room.......to make a meal. To do simple chores......everything is a challenge. I miss the life I lived, it is a part of me.......does life miss me?
Replies
Yes Ruthie...life misses you very much. Steady as she goes...one foot in front of the other. I know how you feel about friends dropping us like cold potatoes. It\'s unfair!!! BUT THEY DON\'T GET!!! Unless they are in our shoes, can they possible understand. True friends will stick by your side no matter what. (My Mom always said that.). We just do the best that we can. That\'s all we can do. I\'m your friend & I\'m here & I listen to every word. I feel the emotion in your words. Sending you a great big hug cuz I care. Prayers, love & hope. Xoxo
know how feels when we have our expectation let down or because we ill people dont see our needs to me most things people take for granted are challenge but best person love us is ourselves always welcome write me
I can totally relate to that. I am so sorry. hugs. Do you find yourself reliving that last dinner with her and wondering what you said that maybe offended her? That\'s what I do. groan. Sometimes I tell myself that people leave your life because we are on totally different paths, or they can\'t relate, or they aren\'t meant to be our friends anymore, as in life changes. But, dang it, it still hurts, I know. If she isn\'t there for you, that is HER loss because you are so wonderful, that I do know for sure.
I\'m sorry I have been absent,I have been herding cats, putting out fires, whatever you want to call it. I like the herding cats line for when I am dealing with a bunch of unfocused people lol.
Beth Moore talks about \"rejection.\" She says that sometimes these relationships are a \"no\" because God is protecting us from something, or has something better in mind for us instead of ... that. Oh, doesn\'t that feel just lovely to think of it that way? love to you.
I miss the life I lived, it is a part of me.......does life miss me?
Amazingly said. It echoes my own feelings. I think anyone who doesn\'t miss you is carazzzy! You are a person who feels and has opinions and is funny and smart, is interested in many subjects, has a lot to offer..
Love , Flowers
And yet, here we are. It is not small or petty to miss someone who was in your life. It hurts when people leave. It\'s a Catch 22. You can\'t love unless you put yourself out there but if you don\'t put yourself out there you can\'t get hurt. Is it worth the pain? For me the answer is yes. It\'s worth the pain because love and friendship are what keep us alive. We aren\'t in your life in one way. We don\'t come over with pizza but you have no idea how much you help me. You have calmed me down on many occasions and I look forward to hearing from you. I know it\'s not the same but you are loved and respected here. And wanted!
I\'d feel the same way but also know that friends come into our lives for different reasons and different seasons.....she must have something going on and honestly, it\'s her loss, I think. You\'ve done everything you can do. Maybe writing her a letter will help you share your feelings but that may close the door too. Your call, tough. Friendships are 2 way though and I have dropped \'friends\' who I feel don\'t give back. We\'re good peeps, we deserve to be treated the way we\'d like to be treated, right?
I sense that even though your life is simple, plain, it\'s perfect for you. You\'ve chosen this cozy, warm, protected cocoon of a life with your fur kids, family, and \'stuff\' that makes you happy. Sounds pretty perfect to me.
SENDING BIG BEAR HUGS