SIGH--BREATHE
Hello SOTH - I am really struggling today! I know it's expected, I know it's normal, I know, I know, I know. But geez I'm so tired of feeling tired. I am really trying to do a little bit every week with the storage unit packed with my daughter's things. It is becoming a financial burden to keep paying $130.00 per month so little by little I am going through boxes of "stuff". So much of my daughter's stuff is not sentimental to me but it's stuff that obviously meant a lot to my daughter. She was a hoarder so there are newspapers, papers from high school, papers from 2002, cards that had checks in them that were never cashed or opened for whatever reason. It reminds me of her mental demons she fought with on a daily basis and how I could not change that....Now I am going through her things that for most of her life, she wouldn't let people touch ... It was a lonely life for her to not let people in so now without her I have full freedom to touch, throw out, keep and I am really struggling with that. I would give anything for her to tell me one more time, 'MOM, DON'T TOUCH - I WILL TELL YOU WHAT I NEED HELP WITH"....My beautiful daughter was the most giving person I know. She had a closet full of shoes (men & women's) because as I was told by a friend of hers, if someone needed shoes, she would go through shoes that she had collected or people had given her and she would give them away. All I did most of her life was wanting her to clean up her house, don't be so controlling, why was she obsessive compulsive,,,, and here comes mother's guilt sometimes we experience. On a good day, I know I did the best I could and I know I was there for her every moment but today is not a good day..SIGH Wish my eyes had not been so expressive in saying what I felt....SIGH Hope she knows how much I love her and just didn't understand sometimes. SIGH
Oh, Sisters of the Heart, I just want to talk to my daughter - I feel so selfish - I'm realizing that she gave me so much and oh how I miss that! DAMMIT DAMMIT..God has a plan, God has a plan, God has a plan..just don't like it right now.
It will be a year this week that my mom died - I know my struggling this week has to do with that too. I miss them both so so much!! SIGH - BREATHE.....SIGH - BREATHE......
Oh, Sisters of the Heart, I just want to talk to my daughter - I feel so selfish - I'm realizing that she gave me so much and oh how I miss that! DAMMIT DAMMIT..God has a plan, God has a plan, God has a plan..just don't like it right now.
It will be a year this week that my mom died - I know my struggling this week has to do with that too. I miss them both so so much!! SIGH - BREATHE.....SIGH - BREATHE......
Replies
I am truly, truly sorry and I \"get it\". I am sorry about your Mom and the anniversary I am sorry about your daughter. You are not selfish. Each and every one of us would give anything to talk to our child or have one more day one more hour, one more LIFETIME with them. It is NOT selfish. It is reality. Losing a child before you go is against the natural order of things and the hardest loss in the world. I just got back from an actual in-person Hospice Bereaved Parent Support Group that was amazing. I was the Mom who went alone and had the 9 yr old who died of cancer. The rest of them were all married couples who went as couples, who all had 20\' somethings who died of various things dogs who killed them, seizures, a pool accident I was the one who said that no matter what age, no matter what is from losing a child at any age holds all the same grief, anger, sadness, pain as the next one. It made a difference.
I also think of your daughter\'s belongings, the hoarding, the money, the things that mean something to her but not you and the fact that she used to give away her shoes. You will know in your heart what to do and she will fully back you from Heaven. She would not expect you to spend $130 per month for the rest of your life hoarding the stuff either. Who will do that when you are gone for her?
You said she liked sharing her shoes. Donate all of her shoes to people who need them in her Memory. The newspaper articles? She would understand if you trashed them the stuff that was not sentimental to you but maybe to her, sell them in her memory at a yard sale or donate them and she will be glad that they made someone else happy. And the special items that mean something as reminders of her for you, keep them in plastic rubbermaid bins in your attic or basement forever or as long as you want to.
When Vinny died, we donated unopened toys through our foundation to the other kids with cancer on our ward. The yucky clothes and things that held no meaning, we had a yard sale for our foundation. The kind of special clothes that could benefit another family, we gave to his little girlfriends\' younger brothers The special stuff, which is A LOT, we fit in rubber maid containers in the attic, some in his closet that we will keep forever. His very special clothes are still hanging in his closet and I smell them all the time.
The cancer medications, the unopened packages of his favorite cotton candy and marshmallows, etc. and the old favorite food in the freezer, we will keep until we are ready to discard them. There is no time frame. You will know in your heart when you can get rid of certain items or not. No one but you can say when you will be ready. It is okay to get rid of the items though that do not mean anything to you. It is okay to keep the reminders, that do, forever.
(((((BIG HUGS))))).....Julia
I hope that you get it sorted out soon! I am the opposite of a \"hoarder\" (having a mother who is an excessive one). I think it is just stuff and I certainly am not going to pay money to store \"stuff\" that no one is using. Four months after my son died, my brother traveled with me to Florida for my younger son\'s graduation. I didn\'t want to go alone. My brother had no decent shoes, so I gave him Michael\'s. My brother expressed feelings that he felt \"funny\" wearing Michael\'s shoes. I reassured him that Michael no longer needed them and would love for his Uncle to have them. Michael had a leather jacket that I gave him when he was about 17. He had it with him when he died at age 33. It was returned to me and I gave it to my younger son to wear. That son has since lost it. It kind of bothered me, but what the heck good was the leather jacket sitting in storage? At least his little brother wore it for a while until he lost track of it. At any rate, take things in your own time. Do what you are comfortable with. Gradually, you will part with things that hold no meaning for you. You are NOT selfish. Baby steps.
Peace.
It\'s not easy to maintain our Faith, when we don\'t like the way things have turned outBut I remind myself, that God is STILL in controland as that saying goes\"Don\'t worry about tomorrow--God is already there\"Our faith is genuine because we\'ve gone through hell and back and still desire God and Heaven! Love, Donna
sigh......... just (((( hugs))))
Inhaling, exhaling and sighing in those pauses is what we do. Just keep moving along on this path and know that some days you will have a little more energy than others and that is okay. On the days you do not just listen to what your body needs and \"Halt.\" Not always easy, yet something that has helped me so much when I can simply pause and listen.
Going through the things your daughter touched brings up so many emotions and just do what you can when you can and know that it\'s enough. I\'m sure having that monthly fee does make you want to expedite the process and I certainly understand why you keep chugging along.
Loving care as you sort through all that has come and is coming your way.
XO Joanie
So many waves of emotion..when we get to the other side of this, I pray that we have the compassionate nature that we are being consumed for. When God said CONSUMING fire..He meant it, huh ? Praying for peace, Lauri
Thank You for your kind words. I\'m so thankful for all of you.Vicki
Oh yes. Breathe.
Sorting through our children\'s belongings is difficult at the best of times. Knowing these were her prized possessions makes it even harder. The reality that she is really gone kicks you in the gut. Do what you can, when you can.
Your daughter was a truly caring person.
Take care of yourself.
Love and hugs,
Marlene
I
First of all .....YES. She knows you love her !!! She has always known it...
Hugs and wishes for as much peace you can find on thus anniversary week..it\'s tough.
I know I was comforted to know that my parents were there to be with Jenn when she crossed over. And also that they did not have to bear the pain of losing her here on earth.
Hugs, marylou
Oh Vicki...I know...I KNOW...
Hello, I\'m just catching up after with everyone. I\'m so sorry for your loss. This is such a difficult journey to take. I\'m happy you found this site and these amazing women. As many have said, we all know how you feel. Most of us have had to face what to do with our children\'s belongings. It\'s been almost seven years (I sill can\'t believe it) since I lost my son. I have most all of his possessions stored. I can\'t seem to part with them. Yes some are just things but they are HIS things and fortunately he lived at home so they are easy to store in a closet. Some people can donate their children\'s things, other make quilts out of shirts. Everyone is different. I think as you go slowly you will know what is right for you. Prayers for continued comfort and strength. Much love. Robin
I still have clothes of my son\'s I plan to have a friend to a quilt. a very big quilt for me to display or wrap up in. This will be passed down to my grandson, so he will have his father to wrap up in when needed.. For now between what I saved and what Tara has, we still have part of him. Tara after 2 yrs finially went through some of his things and gave away to people who needed cloths or to his friends who wanted something of Mike\'s. One day we will get it together just not today...
Hugs Penny
I still have some of my Colleen\'s favorite toys and some clothes, that I can\'t get rid of. It is not easy to go through it all, so just do a little bit at a time, and allow your tears to flow freely. I\'m thinking of you, my friend!
Hugs of understanding & compassion for you.
Love, Vicki