SIGH
It seems like the laughter doesn't last for long.....as I flipped over my October page of my calendar @ work, there it is - NOVEMBER... How can it be that on the 26th of November, I said Good-bye to my daughter....every flippin day this month, I see it - bigger than life - 26!!!!!!!!
Everyone here @ work are starting to talk of holidays, turkey, pumpkin pie, etc and all I want to do is to talk of 3 years ago when I just couldn't believe what was happening....my beautiful daughter on a ventilator, last words I heard was "hi mom" from Neuro ICU...what happened?
I find myself looking ahead to January when all this talk of "the wonderful holidays" are over. I feel lonely, sad and angry that I'm again, another year without my daughter....SIGH
(((HUGS TO YOU ALL - My heart line to sanity, when I feel insane.....)))) Vicki
Replies
I am so sorry Vicki. I find myself keeping my head down and not looking. Holidays suck. All the way back to 1979. They all suck.
We are here for you.
Hi Vicki, I haven't been on here in awhile because I felt so bad seeing all the mothers in pain. Reading your post made me want to reply because the 28th of November will be one year since I lost my son in a car accident. His birthday is one week earlier on the 21st, so when I turned the page on my calendar and tore off October, I felt the same as you. I am so sad and still fighting depression everyday. I can't believe that it is a year since I saw his handsome face and big smile. Holidays are going to be so hard this year for me, and my family. My daughter will be coming in and my son's friends want to do a one year memorial for my son on the beach and we will spread his ashes. My heart is breaking. Really sucks. My heart is with you and all the moms in this group. Wendy
I know how you feel. November 5th is the day my Cindy left this earth. It never gets any easier. My heart is also with all you Moms, may God Bless us all & give us strength to get through it.
Hugs i know how it is. My Tony's angelversary was the 25th. I hate the day, the month, the thought. Ugh wth!
Terri
Hi Vicki, I just retired 8 weeks ago and one of the things I experienced, working in a school with mostly women is the incessant talking about kids, family, holidays until some days I wanted to scream! It was as you are describing non stop from October to January 2nd. No one wanted to hear anything about Ed but your daughter and my son have no siblings so if I got into the conversation and spoke of holidays past, man could I clear out a room. It was not my intent to make anyone uncomfortable but I did. Then it starts all over again in May with the never ending talk of mother's day plans. It got so bad, the last 2 years, I took off the Friday before and the Monday after so I minimize the impact of the constant chatter of the plans. I don't think anyone was intentionally trying to hurt me but it does hurt. People would even say, "Happy Mother's Day!" to me!
I so wish this wasn't your reality. Jennifer should be here with you. The angel dates hurt and the memories of the worst day of our lives comes flooding back. Have you made any plans to take care of yourself on that day? For me it helps to have a plan for Ed's angel date and birthday. I usually do something to celebrate his life and I get distracted from the pain by the planning in his honor.
I will be thinking of you this month and especially on the 26th. Love to you and dearest Jennifer, Linda
We each carry a sorrow that is with us forever and your Jennifer should be here with you and NOW!
I'm with you as we each walk this or stumble through it as best as we are able. Yes, we are one another's heart tethers and I feel it too. This is where we come to feel understood and cared for.
Love to you and your beautiful Jennifer, and just BE however you need to BE. Gentle care to that loving heart of yours.
I'm with you and I care~
With love, XO Joanie
These are tough times...To have an anniversary of passing in the middle of it all...wow. My birthday is the 21st and means nothing to me, same as any other day that used to be special. I have my old phone, with my last Happy Birthday wish from Cassi. I was at my hairdressers getting my hair done at the time. My hairdresser had brought me a red velvet cake and a bottle of champagne. I was trying to hide my feelings. I was trying "tough love" and not speaking to Cassi at the time. I was so stressed from walking on eggshells every day, I told her I needed a break from her...can you even imagine??? So sitting there, the text came in, and I wanted to answer it sooooo bad...but I didn't. I didn't. I wish I had some advice. I usually hide away on those days, maybe take a new floral arrangement to the cemetery. I'm so, so sorry.
It funny how the date can affect us. Sometimes I feel like it is just another day yet the memories are more difficult to cope with. Each and every day is an ache that never changes. Just have to live with it, even when we don't want to. Sending you some peace as we must honor our children. Hugs, Kathy
Thank you for your heartfelt words. I so needed to know you all are out there. Tough month - just feel like a dark veil is hanging over me.....thanks so much for making my heart feel a little lighter. Vicki
Tight hugs. Do whatever you need to do to get through it. Marlene
I am so sorry you have to go through this aweful time at this time of the year. My Jerred's birthday was July 11 and his angel day is August 10th, so 29 days in between that I suffer. The worst for me is the week of his angel day as I recall everything and I do mean everything that happened each day perfectly. Jerred was only 6 so I do not have many memories to aid me in trying to remember good things which makes all the harder. The one thing I have learned in the last 24 years is that HE is with me through it all and that does give me comfort. Do what you need to do to take care of you and do not worry about those that do not understand, they really do not mean any harm they forget, they don't know what to do or say so they try to act like everything should be "Normal" for you as it is from them. Many Hugs and Much Love and Prayers, Susie and Jerred