sick of being in my own head
Being depressed is really frustrating. There's a part of me that is restless, but I'm tired and when I think about actually doing something, I get anxious and end up talking myself out of it. Luckily, with gentle force, my boyfriend got me to take care of something "important" today. One tiny chip at the huge mountain that lies ahead. But that's the thing, if I were my friend, I would say, "See? You DID something today. That's good! That's progress!" But because it's me, I say, well, that's one minuscule thing off of the ginormous list that keeps growing. I feel like until I get all of these things that weigh on me off of my plate, I am not allowed to do anything enjoyable, remotely fun, good for me. Of course, then the argument goes on: How do you expect to get better if you don't help yourself? How can you change your life to be better if you don't start setting some goals and changing things? And then I'm back to being anxious again because I don't know how I can begin to change, well, everything, since I think it's pretty much everything about my life that I've done wrong that's gotten me here today.....even though I KNOW that depression isn't my own fault. Fuck. It's annoying being in my own head. And I know this means I should get out and do something, but honestly, most of my friends don't live here. And by the time my boyfriend gets home from work, he has his own work to take care of. So I get stuck in my own head all day long, which I'm pretty sure isn't useful. I am feeling pretty guilty about this journal entry because it is so whiny. I am pretty much full of self-loathing at the moment. I keep trying to tell myself that it will pass. These thoughts will pass. That soon, as they have in the past, the meds will kick in and I will be able to wake up and get out of bed without debating about it for so long that I end up not wanting to do it at all. I keep trying to will myself to move forward and each day that I don't, I feel like a big piece of shit.