Sick inside
I've been fighting depression for weeks now and it's finally winning. I alternate between feeling numb and feeling despair. I really have such a sucky life, I hate it. I'm starting not to care at all about anything. I'm bitter and resentful and irritable and angry and sad and frustrated. And in the good moments I'm just numb.
The pdoc increased my Seroquel from 50mg to 100mg and I don't think that was a good idea so I've gone back to taking just 50mg. And in 3 weeks I can have her switch me to Abilify. See how that works with the Geodon, Wellbutrin and Vistaril.
I've lost several friends in the last few months - every friend I had actually. They all moved to different states to get out of this horrible place. I hate living here, the people have a mindset I can't relate to at all. Drinking and gambling are considered normal and I don't do either. And women are a commodity. It sickens my soul.
And now I have to live here without any of my friends. And I thought I was alone before! The lack of occasional companionship has really got me down. All I do is go to work, come home and eat cookies. I'm 20lbs overweight and I hate it.
There seems to be nothing I can do to make my life better. I have a mental illness and I have to keep trying to deal with that first of all. I need a caregiver who loves me living with me and taking care of me - but I don't have that.
It makes life really unpleasant to have to live alone in this town. I live in a poor/crime area and a sleazebag I know just told me he picked up a hooker off CraigsList in my complex. It makes me want to throw up. It makes me sick to think of all the guys I fucked when I was manic, and how they all know where I live. A couple of them have knocked on my door late at night - I wouldn't open the door for either of them - told them to go away, but it reminds me of how horrible this past two years have been.
I really hate my life worse than ever, and it shows how good my meds work that I'm not suicidal. But I sure as hell aren't having any fun. I hate my life.
The pdoc increased my Seroquel from 50mg to 100mg and I don't think that was a good idea so I've gone back to taking just 50mg. And in 3 weeks I can have her switch me to Abilify. See how that works with the Geodon, Wellbutrin and Vistaril.
I've lost several friends in the last few months - every friend I had actually. They all moved to different states to get out of this horrible place. I hate living here, the people have a mindset I can't relate to at all. Drinking and gambling are considered normal and I don't do either. And women are a commodity. It sickens my soul.
And now I have to live here without any of my friends. And I thought I was alone before! The lack of occasional companionship has really got me down. All I do is go to work, come home and eat cookies. I'm 20lbs overweight and I hate it.
There seems to be nothing I can do to make my life better. I have a mental illness and I have to keep trying to deal with that first of all. I need a caregiver who loves me living with me and taking care of me - but I don't have that.
It makes life really unpleasant to have to live alone in this town. I live in a poor/crime area and a sleazebag I know just told me he picked up a hooker off CraigsList in my complex. It makes me want to throw up. It makes me sick to think of all the guys I fucked when I was manic, and how they all know where I live. A couple of them have knocked on my door late at night - I wouldn't open the door for either of them - told them to go away, but it reminds me of how horrible this past two years have been.
I really hate my life worse than ever, and it shows how good my meds work that I'm not suicidal. But I sure as hell aren't having any fun. I hate my life.
Replies
There are good and bad sides to every city and you\'re going to see things and come across people that are upsetting. The trick is to ignore the bad people and things and focus on the good things.
I too have had a disappointing life that I hate. It is difficult not to be resentful, bitter, frustrated and angry. However, those feelings and emotions drive people away. It becomes a vicious cycle. I just try to ignore the past and its traumas and live in the here and now, this moment. I choose to be happy. Okay, I\'m not always happy and more often than not, I\'m sad and angry. But I try and strive towards being happy.
Don\'t let the actions of others bother you. I embrace the ugliness of life along with the beauty. So a sleazebag picked up a hooker on Craigslist? It\'s his life, what should you care? People have free will and make their moral choices, some which you will agree with and some you will not.
We have all done things that we regret, both because of our illnesses and the choices we have made. Sometimes, there are reminders that bring up the things we are trying to ignore and forget that have a lot of emotional attachment associated with them. These things need to be worked through and let go. So you made some mistakes you regret when you were manic? So what? Everyone makes mistakes. Just ignore the late night knocks on your door. They\'ll eventually stop. Most importantly, forgive yourself for making mistakes because of your illness.
Anyways, I\'m trying to be a kind and supportive friend.
I think heretic is upset about the hooker more for the fact that her complex houses hookers.
Heretic, you are not a hooker. I\'m sorry you have regrets about the guys from Craiglist. Good for you for not opening the doors to the guys when they were so rude as to knock late at night.
I\'m so sorry your friends have moved away, but happy for them that they have escaped. Is there any way you can start dreaming and planning your escape? Even if its to put the cookie money in a jar and have that as your Leaving Las Vegas fund.
I hear you about the loneliness and despair of life in a soulless city. Thinking about your hurt over and over is only dragging you down. Can you refocus your thoughts to dreams of a happy future?
Here\'s a good quote for you: Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die
I am so sorry your life is such a bag of crap:(:(
If I had a magic wand, I\'d wave it over you and give you peace and happiness. Alas, I can\'t do that but I do want you to know you are not alone in your feelings of despair and how hard it is to fight them. Knowing that probably isn\'t much help but it\'s the best I can do, dearly wish I could offer you more....basically just trying to say I wish I could help.