Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Lisa's wake is tomorrow. 
The family is viewing from 3 until 5 and I was invited to go during those hours.  However, I was very close to Lisa and her children.  I wasn't so close to her sisters, her brothers, her neices, her nephews etc.
The public wake is from 7 until 9.  More suitable.
But I don't know if I can go.  I know that I should go.  I know that part of me wants to go.  But the rest of my is burying its heels in the sand and staying as far away from that funeral home as possible.
Why don't I want to go?
I don't even know.
By the time I was 12, I had been to over 20 funerals, and at least 10 wakes.  Including my fathers, my great grandfathers, and a childhood friend.  I'm not scared of death.  I'm not scared of empty bodies.  I'm not scared to go into a room alone, with a casket and a corpse.
And I have seen the work that the funeral home does to a deceased person.  At my fiancees grandfather's funeral he looked so good that my fiancee had to touch him.  I'm also not afraid to touch dead bodies. 
I'm embarassed to say it, but I think it may be the hair.  But I don't know if it's even that!  I know they will fill her cheeks to take out the shallow look, I know they will put makeup on to recover that lively glow.  I know what she will be wearing, my best friend told me.
But they can't give her back her hair.  Her eyebrows, her eyelashes, her hair in general.  Sure, she will have some, some of it came back once they realized that the chemo was no longer able to help.
Lisa was never embarassed to not have hair.  During her second battle she had someone airbrush and 8 ball on the back of her head.  It was there for awhile!
So why would that bother me?  How do I know this isn't a big excuse because some other thing is eating away at me?
I want to go but I don't want to go.  I should go, but I don't want to go.  I will go, but I don't want to go.

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

No matter how many funerals you have been to, I don\'t think it ever gets any easier. We do the right thing, but it\'s always hard... whether it\'s someone you were very close to or someone you knew less well, it\'s still always painful. Totally normal to feel conflicted about going.