Should I Really Send It???
I wrote my sister a letter. A long letter. A letter she is going to hate, and maybe even hate me for it.
I told her almost everything in my heart in this letter. I told her how she went from abusing me as a child to using me as a teen. How she bullied me, and how she was the only person I ever cow toed to in my life. About how she used my mother to the bone, and never said thankyou. How she hurt us all and didn't think twice about it. And not all because of the drugs. Also because of who she is. I told her about things she had done in my past that stick in my mind, but have most likely run out of her memory long ago. About how she embarassed me, hurt me, disgusted me.
I tried to make it sound less accusatory and more explainatory. She once told me she wanted a real relationship with me. Long before the drugs got ahold of her. And I told her in the letter that the only way we could get that relationship is if I faced up to her. I told her how scared I was of her, and how tired I was of watching what I said and did all the time. I was tired of trying to make her happy so mum didn't pay for it.
I told her that I understood if she hated me, or cried, or got angry at me for the letter. How I hoped that there was someone in there that could help her through it better then someone or something out here. I told her I understood if she didn't write back or if she did, and it was mean and angry. I told her I was re-applying for her visitors list, but I also understood if she didn't want to see me.
I told her I knew that it was cowardly to tell her these things in a letter, but that I wasn't ready to tell her to her face. I told her that I don't answer the phone when she calls because the messages she leaves are angry. And it seems like she expects our lives to revolve around her still. That just because her life has come to a hub ours have not, and that she can't expect us to always be readily available.
I told her that I loved her, and I wanted a big sister, not a big bully. I also told her I wasn't even sure if I would send the letter, and if I did, I wanted her to know how hard it was for me.
Now the thing is....should I send it? Or rip it up and consider the past the past....work towards the future?
I told her almost everything in my heart in this letter. I told her how she went from abusing me as a child to using me as a teen. How she bullied me, and how she was the only person I ever cow toed to in my life. About how she used my mother to the bone, and never said thankyou. How she hurt us all and didn't think twice about it. And not all because of the drugs. Also because of who she is. I told her about things she had done in my past that stick in my mind, but have most likely run out of her memory long ago. About how she embarassed me, hurt me, disgusted me.
I tried to make it sound less accusatory and more explainatory. She once told me she wanted a real relationship with me. Long before the drugs got ahold of her. And I told her in the letter that the only way we could get that relationship is if I faced up to her. I told her how scared I was of her, and how tired I was of watching what I said and did all the time. I was tired of trying to make her happy so mum didn't pay for it.
I told her that I understood if she hated me, or cried, or got angry at me for the letter. How I hoped that there was someone in there that could help her through it better then someone or something out here. I told her I understood if she didn't write back or if she did, and it was mean and angry. I told her I was re-applying for her visitors list, but I also understood if she didn't want to see me.
I told her I knew that it was cowardly to tell her these things in a letter, but that I wasn't ready to tell her to her face. I told her that I don't answer the phone when she calls because the messages she leaves are angry. And it seems like she expects our lives to revolve around her still. That just because her life has come to a hub ours have not, and that she can't expect us to always be readily available.
I told her that I loved her, and I wanted a big sister, not a big bully. I also told her I wasn't even sure if I would send the letter, and if I did, I wanted her to know how hard it was for me.
Now the thing is....should I send it? Or rip it up and consider the past the past....work towards the future?
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