Shopping
What is it about shopping for food, such a simple thing to do, that gets to me so much??? Walking from Winn Dixie, I began crying...she should be by my side. She always was...and no matter what I bought, whether it was just weekly groceries or school supplies, even getting her prescriptions filled...she never failed to say, "Thank you Momma"...on the way to the car. She was always grateful, even for the smallest things. That wasn't something I taught her, it just came naturally to her.
Gosh, seeing the school supplies...it hurts. Seeing the stacks of those mats, that they take naps on when they are in kindergarten...it slays me.
We try to hold each other up, we encourage each other during the hard times and it does help...but this is just so wrong. I try, I really do, to get out there...to live...but it takes such an effort that everyday life should not take. I have no other children depending on me...I will have no grandchildren...I don't even know how to write up a will...I have no one to leave my estate to. So sad...
Gosh, seeing the school supplies...it hurts. Seeing the stacks of those mats, that they take naps on when they are in kindergarten...it slays me.
We try to hold each other up, we encourage each other during the hard times and it does help...but this is just so wrong. I try, I really do, to get out there...to live...but it takes such an effort that everyday life should not take. I have no other children depending on me...I will have no grandchildren...I don't even know how to write up a will...I have no one to leave my estate to. So sad...
Replies
If only we could turn back time. I may have told you - every time I saw turkey bites, I got teary eyed. They were one of Lisa\'s favourite snacks. I still see things unexpectedly that draw tears.
Cassi was a thankful, thoughtful girl. You must have had something to do with it!
Love and tight hugs,
Marlene
You wouldn\'t think that a simple thing like going to the grocery store
would be bad BUT IT REALLY IS! Still bothers me AND my husband. Like so many places, it reminds us of Charlie.
Hoping some measure of peace comes to you very soon...
Oh Gina I am with you!!!!!!! There are so many times I\'m at the store wanting to buy this or that for Jennifer and then I\'m reminded - SHE\'S NOT HERE!!!!
I too have no other children - one grandson living 300 miles away....feel so alone most of the time...looking at my jewelry, looking at this and that, that Jennifer always wanted....WHO GETS IT NOW????
Yes, it\'s wrong, it\'s sad......BUT I\'m with you.....sometimes doesn\'t seem enough but you are here in my heart....I feel you.....((hugs)) Vicki
Gina, I know what you mean about the grocery store and seeing the school supplies. It brings back so many memories of the good times when they were growing up. It has been 6 years for me and I still get choked up sometimes when I go to the grocery and see all the things that Jason liked for me to buy. He especially like toaster strudel and ate them all the time. I still cannot even look at a toaster strudel. Sending lots of love down your way. Katrina
These are those every day moments that hurt... I know my friend. Deepest of sighs... Even making some of my son\'s favorite dishes took a long time to be able to do, because I could feel him looking over my shoulder and snitching bites.
Understanding and sending lots of loving care,
XO Joanie
The first couple of years especially I often shied away from memories... now sometimes I look for them... The first time I made turkey for Thanksgiving I was hesitant to use the turkey platter that I had bought and given to my mom the same year Cara was born 1976 that came back to me in 2006 after mom\'s death... but I forced myself to use it... and I was washing it I felt like maybe rather than being painful I was glad because it was going to be a way to have mama with me... and so due to a time Cara helped me by adding a good bit of seasoning to the shrimp etouffe I was making and it really did taste super good... now I often ask Cara to either bump my elbow or hold me back when I\'m seasoning gumbos and the like... in the beginning though... like you say... everywhere you see them... and you cry because you hurt so bad because they\'re not here and they won\'t be in the physical sense... I used to cry on the way to work and on the way home... It was actually almost a relief to be alone so I could just cry and not worry about bothering anyone.... if the strangers passing to the right and left wondered I was blinded by my tears and didn\'t see... One day a young girl sounded like maybe 12-13 or so... called here... \"mama\" she said in a inquiring voice... she sounded like Cara... or did she... did I just want so bad for it to be Cara... I tried to be nice and to tell the girl she had a wrong number... but I broke down crying... somehow I ended up on the phone with her father... I don\'t know if she handed him the phone or what happened... he was kind of fussing at me for upsetting his daughter... and I apologized and told him that I had not meant to upset her... that his daughter\'s voice sounded so much like my daughter Cara and I was sorry and all that again... When it was over... I wished I could call and beg the girl to call me and say mama like that over and over... Of course I didn\'t... what I\'m saying... crying over everything.... feeling like you\'re crazy... that\'s the norm... Even though I do have a son and 5 grandchildren there were things I really wanted to pass to Cara... like the turkey platter... sadly you know what... lots of times kids don\'t even want what we treasure... My son John had said he wanted the Indians my mama painted... now he doesn\'t... no one particularly wants the platter or the rooster and hen she painted... Somehow, at some point... maybe you\'ll find yourself able to love and be loved by some young people... They will not be Cassi... and you won\'t want them to be... but they might help ease your lonely heart...
I wanted to go up to a group of young mothers having lunch with their kids in the same restaurant as I was, I wanted to shout at them: feed them, raise them, love them, and then they die on you! That\'s how crazy I felt in the beginning, just wild with grief.
The grocery store was so hard for me in the beginning. First few times I couldn\'t even get out of the car....just sat in the parking lot crying my eyes out. I can\'t count the number of times I cried while trying to buy groceries. Can\'t tell you how many times I ended up on the floor in the cereal isle crying. The store personnel were always sweet, some would even sit on the floor with me... What a sight we must have been for \"normal\" people shopping!!
My heart aches for you my friend....aches for all of us....
The grocery store is not so bad for me...fishing it was my favorite thing. It was Patrick\'s favorite thing. I am not feeling it this summer. I went away for an overnight with my husband and I almost made it. About 1/2 way into the drive home, I thought about how I wanted to go visit the place where I pitched my Mom\'s ashes. Then the familiar scenario started in my head of how I would tell her that Patrick shot himself and I would cry as she wailed. Then I told my husband about my daydream of telling my Mom, who probably is holding him already, and how I wish that I had my Mother still here when he died but at the same time how glad I am that she did\'t have to see me suffering. Sobbing and then, I just wiped my eyes. Nope couldn\'t make 24 hours. You, my dear Gina, are in good company. Reaching, Lauri
Use to be that I couldn\'t bear to look at the things that Jason enjoyed eating, or doing things that we did together. I\'ve gone past that now. Don\'t know why my heart doesn\'t break in the grocery store any more, but it has stopped. It took a long time, but now I can look at something and think how he enjoyed it and just cherish the memory. The grief chances, never goes away, but does get easier to bear.
Sending tight hugs.
I totally understand and I am in one of those moments right now....and it SUCKS, but I will survive and live for Shell....take care of yourself friend! gretch
I have had some wild melt downs at grocery stores...and at clothing stores, and church...you name it...lol...call me the melt down queen
Marylou