shit. wanted to post this earlier

Okay....so last night I couldn't fall asleep. Shocker- that's pretty much typical for me. Well, I was laying there for HOURS upon HOURS doing Sudoku puzzles in hopes that my eyes would shut. While doing the puzzles my mind would wander...as it usually does when I'm doing anything. Well, I decided to write my thoughts down for once- every thought that I could put into words...well here they are. I figure if I put them down and read them maybe it will help me realize things in therapy? not sure, worth a shot...
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I feel out of control.
Why?
I want to ride a motorcycle. I want to travel the world.
I want to find my purpose in life. What is my purpose? Why am I here?
I want to change, but I'm scared.
My mom is just like the mom in the movie "Greta" that I watched tonight.
WHY?!?!?!
I don't want to be in therapy the rest of my life. I want to be FREE!
Be free and fun. I want to live life. I want to have fun. Just LIVE!
Is there an end to this all?
???????????
I love the shows intervention, addicted, the OCD project. I think I'm addicted to them and need an intervention. HAHAHAHA. Wow I'm fucked up.
BE CONFIDENT STEFF!
I don't want to be a hypocrite like Claire. FUCK Claire.
750 Calories. No 810. Fuck. FUCK FUCK FUCK. Too many.
I cant' sleep- Well I can but I kind of don't want to I guess. Why don't I want to? WHY? What's wrong with sleeping?! UGH.
I have more obsessive thoughts of wanting to be thin than of food. My thoughts about food aren't that overwhelming. I don't think of it that much....well....I guess I do...nevermind. 
I need to look into Cricket wireless phone plans tomorrow. Maybe we should switch to AT&T and get an iphone...nah, I don't need that. I'll just stick with voice. But it would be fun! No...too expensive.
1...2...3...4...
I am afraid of failing.
Miley Cyrus is awesome. Lindsay Lohan is fucked up but for some reason I think she is awesome. OMG I remember when I was in love with Mary Kate Olsen- ya, I think that was when she was really sick and like 20lbs. Well, makes sense.
I am not well. 
I don't want to be like mom.
I wish I could be like my therapists and dietitian. Whit has the perfect life. He has money. He has the perfect job. Jill is pretty and so nice. She has the perfect family. Joanna is on an awesome vacation right now and has one fucking huge ass rock on her hand. Everyone has the perfect life but me. 
My brain hurst from trying to figure out why this all happens to me. 
 

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

**hugs**
I don\'t know what to say Steff. I wish I could help you fight the demons you are facing. I\'m sorry your day at work was tough; I\'m glad you had such a lovely chat with your friend though, she sounds wonderful.

I\'m glad you wrote some of your feelings down... maybe you can try writing some positive things down too... like some positive thoughts that you have had, or something good that has happened, something nice that has been said to you/about you.

It might be hard at first but hopefully it will help you.
Thinking of you lots, I hope you feel better soon xoxo
deleted_user
deleted_user

This helps me sometimes, too, writing down my thoughts. And they\'re always all over the place like yours are. I\'m glad you did it. I hope it helped a little. I think you should consider printing that off and taking it to your next therapy session. Just an idea.

PS. Your thought about MK Olsen made me laugh, because that\'s when I loved her the most, too. But I do still think she\'s pretty rad. And Ashley, too, but MK more, for obvious reasons.

HOWEVER... You like Miley Cyrus?!? Um, I don\'t think we can be friends anymore... :-P

Take care, hun. You\'ll be in my thoughts this week!
xoxox