Shingles again

So, for the 4th time this year I have come down with an outbreak of shingles. I had my first outbreak when I was 20 years old and several times during the years but never this much. Only 4% of the population that contracts shingles have recurring episodes and it's almost unknown for it to happen to one person as many times as me. The third time this year I went through a whole battery of tests trying to find a reason why my immune system might be suppressed and nothing showed up abnormal. So basically my doctor says he just doesn't know...I consume a healthy diet, avoid sunlight and excessive heat and anything else possible that might put my body through stress, but I can't avoid the grief. My doctor said emotional stressors can be just as powerful in compromising my immune system and allowing the shingles to emerge.
I am not contagious. Shingles comes from the chicken pox virus, which we nearly all carry. That virus lives at the base of the spine and usually doesn't cause any more trouble, but mutates with time and can cause a shingles outbreak. It's usually in older patients or immunosuppressed patients. I am 45 years old and like I said, had my first outbreak at 20. Besides being a little overweight I am healthy and not immunosuppressed. Fortunately this year every outbreak has been less intense and painful than the one preceding it. It makes me think that my immune system is getting stronger at keeping it in check.
But what it also tells me is that I can do all the right things physically, but if I can't get myself straightened out emotionally and psychologically there is no telling what effect it will have on my health.
I am so f***ing mad!!! After what I have been through and still have to go through, I am starting to see my physical body fail me as well. Suicide is the gift that keeps on giving.
I simply HAVE to find a more productive way to feel and express my emotions. I have a dear friend who is battling pancreatic cancer and she is one of the happiest and most positive people I know!!!
I HAVE, HAVE, HAVE to get to a place where I am more grateful, more calm, more serene, not just for my mental health but my physical health as well. Going to my friend to her chemo appointments, radiation, etc., it isn't something I want to add to the crosses I have to bear. I HAVE to stop feeling so sorry for myself all the time and worrying myself sick about the future. Someday I will look back on these times and wish I had enjoyed life rather than merely tolerating it. When I think about it, in history it was common for women to lose children, either in childbirth, illness, war, etc. It has happened from the beginning of time and though it doesn't make our suffering any less we should admire the courage of our ancestors who had to accept death as a part of life, even where their children were concerned.
Thank God I have an appointment with my psychiatrist Monday and I am going to discuss all this with him and see if there is something that can help chemically or else refer me to a counselor who might be able to help me.
I can't grieve forever, yet I know I will. I MUST move on but I can't leave Cassi behind. Somehow I have to find a way to integrate her, the loss of her, and the rest of my life. She is in every cell of my body, moving on, wherever I go, whatever I do, I carry her with me. I KNOW this, yet it's still easier said than done...but I'm tired, so tired of being beaten down, a depressed shell of a person hiding away from the world in my house...and I am really tired of these damned shingles that keep popping up to torture me and remind me that even though I might be healthy, I am not Okay. I want to be Okay.