shifting gears

I've been coming to know some new things as the days have passed since

my last therapy session. I've been going to work every day - and observations

of 'how I am' in the world have come to me - well - I guess I will frame

it that I have been kind of tearing myself down a bit - I don't know why I do it

but perhaps it's part of the process for processing my experience and also

making sense of a kind of consciousness raising. 

The long and the short of it - is that I realize I become very sensitive to the way my family

reacts to me because they mean the world to me - and that's I think reasonable - and yet I know I also have to build my personal

world in a way where I can't demand from my family, though they really bend over backwards for me,

I have to realize that they're going through a lot too - and so I've got to suck it up - and 

join the party...  Right now I am trying to make sense of things - and I saw my family today

and I kind of felt a darkness when I got home - but instead of reaching out to them- I am trying

to be self responsible about it - and I realize that when I service my own emotions, I kind of get

very specific and sensitive and that's fine but I am REALLY GLAD I have my therapist to talk to - for so

many reasons - but I know she helps me couch my thoughts and feelings in commonality terms.

It really helps - I suppose we can't help but feel some darkness to the day - and then we may need to

process and think about it - but anyway I am here alone in my house - and I nearly wanted to open

up to my brother or my Dad - apologizing for my darkness if they sensed it - but I am going to 

try and deal with this myself until I speak to my therapist tomorrow. So, in order to deal with it (my feelings)

now I just kind of have to change my focus - like self direct - shift gears  -  and do things that take care of my day - 

like I once said "What do you do when you feel overwhelmed?" I know what I'll focus on - and what

systems, I've created, I can fall back onto.