shifting focuses or foci :)

I've been pretty busy today..  feel pretty good about that as I am still not working

so dealing with my time independently is good good practice!..

Still on break for my two week vacation from work...

I go back on Tuesday...

My mind definitely tries undermine my sense of well being at times

- there's the shifting perspective within me that I am trying to countermand

and teach myself to refocus ...refocus on valuable, concrete and fulfilling things that help me feel more

realistically better about myself and how I am spending my time.

Shifting foci. It's like what I mentioned in the last

journal that there's something inside that turns in on itself if the actions and transitions aren't

seamless or are just so different. I lose my place mentally a lot...and that turns me spiralling downward...

A lot of people suggested to me, including my mom, when growing up to just "please yourself"

and that's something I indeed had a hard time doing and it was maddening...literally..

but right now I know I do have a lot to be grateful for (thanks for what Arfie said)

and also I am reconciling those moments of disconnection and transition that I have

to redirect to see - to have myself see - that nothing is really going wrong - that I am ok - that my depression

may be coming from a place of feeling as though I have nothing meaningful in my life that I am doing -

from being alone or feeling like I am falling short - to take a step back in sense (as I have heard others say) to

take a breather and coalesce my experience and thoughts to find 'where I am again' - It's like I can't see anything

at times - but I am learning better now...

I am just trying to give some space for myself here to acknowledge the lingering thoughts I have had

while going about my day...It's only midday but have been up for a while. I think I'll go for a walk

to get in some physical virtue to today. I go to my parents' for dinner tonight.

Hope you guys are having a good day out there! 

peace and good vibes,

Mark