sharing

there's something about talking to an unknown person -

you may habitually reach out with a sense of objectivity per your sensibilities - 

a hope that you will be treated in a way that's distinguishable or discernable with each phrase

and you may look for psychological or emotional roadsigns that were developed by a life time of looking at the world

with a sense of thinking, questioning about humanity. But you can't expect anyone to be what

this library of experiences has taught you to test for.... they can't be perfect - 

and neither can you - I was driving a sister today, very early morning to one of her

appointments - We started to talk - and I clumsilly asked a few questions trying to initiate

conversation - and then something within me noticed 'my expectation' and so I thought to NOT

IMPOSE my expectation upon her - she would talk the way SHE TALKS and the WAY she is in th world..

her sensibilities - 

and it was like I bent to a blameless general humanity place and I just started to see her unfold her

personality and sensibility - 

and it was a good conversation -  I like her - though talking about it - linearizes it  sort of - so it can kind of renders the experience into rules

which is against the point -but the measure of this added to other thoughts that I had

yesterday and today - these thoughts were about how I came away from a nice meal with the ELDER and the fathers 

yesterday with a sense of of understanding of my mental health wellness and also my deficit -

After the initial part of the meal where all of us guys were sitting around the elder - daring not

to say a word it seemed to avoid rustling the feathers of the elder - to be lacking in consideration of him

and I thought to myself 'ok this is really boring' and "I'm over it" but I stayed in a sonsiderate place

if though my mind started getting more and more buried by the monolithic godfatherly conversation said mostly in greek

some in english - (I do not speak greek)

The young father who was at the center focus of the conversation because of some family scandals that were going

on for him (the elder is very close to his family) - I noticed - he was like flotsam in the sea. He couldn't see so well what the elder was asking of him - through

his goading him on - and the young father was so sweet - that he couldn't deal with the negativty side of things - 

or the courage he needed to have inside -

the young father was asking for answers - what to do - how to react - and could not make up his own mind about the direction he should take - (I can relate for sure) 

he was giving a great deal of - almost all - of his personal power away - as well as his family relationships -

to do what the elder was asking of him as they talked. He told him to block his whole family- 

and the young father seemed galvanized into action - Finally the elder got very annoyed with him and he stormed

out of the room - it reminds me of what one psychiatrist said to me (which I will ammend) about how 'some people have a harder time with the

mix of love and hate' - What I take from it is - that we all have a different faculty for dealing with the mix of emotions

we each have - and yet still see a path forward. To value our relationships above the harder moments - that our love or our

relationships are more than 'momentary anger' - This is something I am seeing for msyelf indeed - at first

I was misguided thinking that the Elder was defining

the power structure without words and maintaining his own sense of power over a situation could be perceived

about the issue - but truly this I believe the better that the elder was trying to help this young man evovlve to possess

his own manhood. For myself when thinking about this - there came a resisting to think it was all a power struggle I was seeing

but rather that we all share power and have to cope with that - like I did with the sister in the earlier part of this post -

and now too with the elder and even my Blue :) I have to get working on some personal projects - and it can

be a lonely feeling if focused on  - but that's just it - sharing power - and sharing mixed feelings and love with each other

- sets me into a commonality of existance so that I know ultimately I am not alone. Sending good vibes.