Sex, God, & The Widow/Widower
Lately I have found myself pondering one of those subjects that seem to stir up a bunch of controversy, embarrassment, and anxiety. This time, that subject is SEX. Having recently re-committed to Christ and the teachings of the Bible, I am aware of God's stance on marital fidelity and His position on the sin which is adultery. I am also aware that He has given human beings the gift of sexual pleasures to be shared between married couples. Human beings are sexual beings, of that I have no doubt either. Most married couples enjoy a certain frequency in partaking of these intimate pleasures throughout their married lives. It becomes very much a part of who they are.
All of this leads me to this perplexing quandary. What is a widow or a widower expected to do with the quite normal urges and desires that visit them from time to time, if not regularly? The Bible tells us that lustful thoughts are wrong, and that promiscuity and/or sex outside of marriage is wrong as well. There is, of course, the means with which we may satisfy those urges by ourselves, which present yet another perplexing issue. If one were to choose this means of sexual release, is it wrong to use the widely available “tools”, “toys”, and visual stimulants promoted to further this end?
We live in a world in which we are constantly bombarded with sexual images, messages, and opportunities that tempt the most Godly people amongst us. So what are we to do? If we act upon our natural urges, are we guilty of sin? Or are we being hypocritical in our devotion to the Lord only when it is convenient for us to be so?
It seems to me that if we are expected to deny ourselves these natural urges and desires, we are further punishing ourselves at a time when we are already being punished enough. If we believe in the strict interpretation of the scriptures, it seems as though many of us would seek to enter too quickly into a new marriage for sexual reasons, rather than for sharing the same kind of all encompassing love we had for our deceased spouses.
Again, I am posting this in my journal, in order that I not offend anyone who may object to discussing this subject. But I do believe that I am not the only widower or widow who is struggling with this part of living. It is not my intention to solicit details of anyone's personal life, however, I welcome the opinions that others may have regarding all of this.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IZM3OJ1X178
There'll be no strings to bind your handsnot if my love can't bind your heart.And there's no need to take a standfor it was I who chose to start.I see no need to take me home,I'm old enough to face the dawn.Just call me angel of the morning, ANGELjust touch my cheek before you leave me, baby.Just call me angel of the morning, ANGELthen slowly turn away from me.Maybe the sun's light will be dimand it won't matter anyhow.If morning's echo says we've sinned,well, it was what I wanted now.And if we're the victims of the night,I won't be blinded by light.Just call me angel of the morning, ANGELjust touch my cheek before you leave me, baby.Just call me angel of the morning, ANGELthen slowly turn away,I won't beg you to stay with methrough the tears of the day,of the years, baby baby baby.Just call me angel of the morning, ANGELjust touch my cheek before you leave me, baby.
Replies
Joe, I started to read your journey entry and did not have the guts to finish. I was afraid. The yearning felt is undescribable to those who have never experienced such a loss. As I have said so many times, I don\'t know if I would want another relationship but I am certain that I don\'t want to remain alone! My views on intimacy vs. scripture conflict. I believe in a Good and loving God who created man and woman for a purpose -- that purpose is because they fit together and become a whole. That togetherness is expressed in many ways -- sexually is probably one of the most profound. I am 56 -- I feel completely over the hilld - and I am not certain that I could ever share that intimate relationship again -- however, again, I don\'t want to think that I will never feel that total giving of the soul, body and mind ever again. b/t/w I came to your journal to actually thank you for your post on my \"rage\" period. You are always so insightful that it is very interesting to read anything you post. Again, thank you, and thank you for being a friend. Hugs and blessings to you!
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Guess I was supposed to type my response before pressing the add comment button.
Joe.......What a thought provoking post.
Eddie1946......Yes, someone could love you again.
Donna......Still laughing over your response.
Linda......You have an amazing voice.
OK
Let me try this one last time.
I never slept with a man until my wedding night. Had we pushed the envelope and slept together before that fated night.....we would have both realized that we were NOT suited for one another in the \"bedroom\". It took 31 1/2 years for that marriage to end and his alcoholism was the main contributor to the demise of the marriage.... following closely was the fact that our sex life was always terrible. Met Jim and we lived together \"in sin\" for two years before we married........I was not going to make the same mistake a second time. Our relationship was wonderful in all departments. As to whether it is a sin or not.......as a Catholic woman of course it was.......as a normal woman.......I think not so much.
To MrsJRS...I had a similar experience with my first marriage...we waited until we were married...not compatible in that department...but, painful as it was when the marriage ended, at least it wasn\'t 31 years...it was less than two when he left me for another woman...When Snake and I got together, we lived together for 3&1/2 years before making it legal...much to the chagrin of my Grandma that raised me...like you, I wanted to be sure before I \"tied\" myself to someone...we were married 23 years, 1 month and 20 days...and it was all good...would I marry again, given the opportunity...I\'m not sure...as a Christian, my beliefs tell I must if I want to enjoy the sexual aspects of a relationship...but realistically, as a disabled widow, re-marriage could/would cost me my benefits...so, am I \"condemned\" to abstinence? I don\'t know...I can only pray God gives me wisdom IF the question should arise...I have a minister friend that I spoke with about this very issue...he says he performs \"religious\" weddings where the couples do not purchase a license from the state, but they come together before God & family/friends and make a covenant promise to one another...he issues them a Certificate of Marriage and if they so desire they sign a legal contract, but nothing is registered with the government, so their benefits are not affected...and before anyone asks, he only performs heterosexual weddings, in keeping with his personal beliefs regarding same-sex partnerships...but it is basically the same as a \"Commitment Ceremony\"...
The thoughts of being with another person scare me, and it is because I am so new to this journey and I am not ready. The subject about sex and God, well He put it forth as the law of Chasity. It is that no one should have sex outside of marriage. To satisfy the flesh is a base thing in my opinion. It does not bring one closer to God. I think we are at the stage of abstinence and that is not a bad thing. To satisfy those feelings could bring about a worse feeling. Why go there? The thought of me not ever having sex again and not kissing someone is sad. I had a wonderful spouse who gave me a wonderful life. I can\'t go there right now. I know that men are different that women, and I hope that you can find someone to share that life with again. I am glad that you have found God, and that He is important to you. That is the question, how important is God in your life? Go to Him for the answer. He will guide you. Hugs~Shelley
Jo - a most perplexing issue indeed and one which has been raised a few times only in my time here. Many of us here seem to have had blessed and beautiful marriages of which sexual intimacy was a joyous and happy time of giving and receiving. Mark Driscoll of Seattle has produced a great little booklet available online free http://relit.org/porn_again_christian/ It addresses this question very well. He sees self gratification as self worship, pornography as dangerous and the only route for single folks like us as chastity and sacrificing our bodies as Paul admonishes in Rom12:1-2
Joe, you have posted something very thought provoking. Something we have all given thought to, and pondered.
I had a wonderful relationship with my husband and miss that loving intimacy we shared. But, with God\'s help, I fully hope that I will remain pure in His eyes until He brings me home, or chooses to give me a husband.
I pray I will be strong enough to stay pure and pleasing to Him!
May God direct your steps always!!
Hugs, Linda