Sex, God, & The Widow/Widower
Lately I have found myself pondering one of those subjects that seem to stir up a bunch of controversy, embarrassment, and anxiety. This time, that subject is SEX. Having recently re-committed to Christ and the teachings of the Bible, I am aware of God's stance on marital fidelity and His position on the sin which is adultery. I am also aware that He has given human beings the gift of sexual pleasures to be shared between married couples. Human beings are sexual beings, of that I have no doubt either. Most married couples enjoy a certain frequency in partaking of these intimate pleasures throughout their married lives. It becomes very much a part of who they are.
All of this leads me to this perplexing quandary. What is a widow or a widower expected to do with the quite normal urges and desires that visit them from time to time, if not regularly? The Bible tells us that lustful thoughts are wrong, and that promiscuity and/or sex outside of marriage is wrong as well. There is, of course, the means with which we may satisfy those urges by ourselves, which present yet another perplexing issue. If one were to choose this means of sexual release, is it wrong to use the widely available “tools”, “toys”, and visual stimulants promoted to further this end?
We live in a world in which we are constantly bombarded with sexual images, messages, and opportunities that tempt the most Godly people amongst us. So what are we to do? If we act upon our natural urges, are we guilty of sin? Or are we being hypocritical in our devotion to the Lord only when it is convenient for us to be so?
It seems to me that if we are expected to deny ourselves these natural urges and desires, we are further punishing ourselves at a time when we are already being punished enough. If we believe in the strict interpretation of the scriptures, it seems as though many of us would seek to enter too quickly into a new marriage for sexual reasons, rather than for sharing the same kind of all encompassing love we had for our deceased spouses.
Again, I am posting this in my journal, in order that I not offend anyone who may object to discussing this subject. But I do believe that I am not the only widower or widow who is struggling with this part of living. It is not my intention to solicit details of anyone's personal life, however, I welcome the opinions that others may have regarding all of this.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IZM3OJ1X178
There'll be no strings to bind your handsnot if my love can't bind your heart.And there's no need to take a standfor it was I who chose to start.I see no need to take me home,I'm old enough to face the dawn.Just call me angel of the morning, ANGELjust touch my cheek before you leave me, baby.Just call me angel of the morning, ANGELthen slowly turn away from me.Maybe the sun's light will be dimand it won't matter anyhow.If morning's echo says we've sinned,well, it was what I wanted now.And if we're the victims of the night,I won't be blinded by light.Just call me angel of the morning, ANGELjust touch my cheek before you leave me, baby.Just call me angel of the morning, ANGELthen slowly turn away,I won't beg you to stay with methrough the tears of the day,of the years, baby baby baby.Just call me angel of the morning, ANGELjust touch my cheek before you leave me, baby.
Replies
Ok, Joe, let me be the first to comment, because I definitely have guts enough to do so.
I have wondered why very few are willing to discuss this issue. I have already shared with you some of my story along these lines, but I do not have any answers to the questions you have posed.
I have often thought of the one of the reasons I would want to remarry is so I can satisfy these needs in a healthy, holy way.
I definitely have a healthy libido and ask the Lord regularly to either take it away, or provide me with the new husband that He would have for me. No obvious answers have come to me yet. I am trusting Him.
Joe,
I don\'t agree that getting married just for that issue would have a very happy ending. On the bible issue I have an understanding that the bible says any sex outside marriage is wrong and that the sex is for reproduction and becoming one with your spouse.
This does not bode well for todays sociatial beliefs and for the issue you bring up.
I think the biblical answer to that one is that it is a sin. Maybe someone who reads and understands the bible more that I do will have an answer. The Thirty Day Bible did not address this??
Dave
Hi Dave:
The 30 Day Bible did not discuss the issue in any depth at all, Dave. There is a lot of discussion in \"Proverbs\", and as you said, the societal norms of the day muddle the issue. My sense is that there are many \"hypocrites\" out there if one were to believe the strict interpretation of the scriptures. Just sayin\'...........Joe....:-)
Joe,
The proverbs make sex outside marriage seem like a for sure damnation. I am not sure about strict interpataion of the bible as I was always taught that the bible was written in parabels (stories) to get the point across. But on the other hand the 10 commandments seem to address this issue as a sin.
So did Jimmy Carter with LUST IN HIS HEART lol.
Dave
Joe,
I have been wrestling with this issue for the last couple of months. My interpretation of the scriptures tells me that sex outside of marriage is a sin. According to what I have been taught, the validity and integrity of the scriptures never changes regardless of the practices of modern society. What was wrong 2000 years ago, is wrong today. By being widowers we are indeed in an undesirable predicament, for more reasons that one. Regarding the matter of sex, it seems to be in compliance with God\'s word, abstinence is our only recourse. For myself I cannot put forth any resolution to this situation that would not leave me feeling guilty and hypocritical. By all means don\'t think I am trying to be pious. I have in my past already shattered these commandments. I would prefer not to add more fuel to the fire. I would love to have a guilt free solution, I just don\'t know one. What are the odds of me falling in love again, and having a woman love me at the age of 64? Slim at best. Whether I like it or not, I already have my answers. The question is; can I live with them?
Eddie
Really?? I thought the Lord help those who help themselves, LOL. Donna
Thank you for making my day, Donna.......I laughed out loud on that one!!!
A living being cannot snuff out desires,and to practise artificially erasing the actions of desire is more dangerous than the active desires themselves.I think you are attracted by the illusion of temporary happiness,you are only human after all.Maybe if it is Gods will, you will find love and comfort and sex and companionship in the future,you never know whats around the corner,I know if I die before my partner Mike,I would hope he found someone to share his days with.big hug cazX
Joe, It\'s horrible!!!! I cry when I think of the loving, wonderful sexual relationship I had with Dave. He gave me full permission to \"help myself\"....told me not to let celibacy be a grief thing. I can\'t imagine being with anyone else....my body is telling me otherwise!!!! I have a hard time believing in God/Jesus, even though I was raised to believe, by a loving, caring family. I guess if I were to rely on the messages I got from my Christian influence it would be that sex is a dirty, shameful thing. Thank goodness I got past that. I don\'t know where I\'m going with this, but thanks for listening. I just wish my man were here to hug and to take me away with his loving hands. Good luck with your dilemma! Becky
I am probably fuzzy on my religious cultural history, but I believe that I remember a discussion once where the definition of Mary being \"engaged\" to Joseph contained a quite different idea of the sexual relationship they may have had(who is to really know?)...in other words that a sezual intimacy was part of engagement at the time....so....is it maybe possible that what was written so long ago had interpretations in the context which might be liberating if we really knew what went on.
The is a literature about sexuality when one\'s spouse has Alzheimer\'s. Some people feel that they cannot cope for decade(s) without sex and seek it outside the marriage/illness.
I think that it is a great good fortune to have a good sexual relationship in one\'s life. If the adults are made happier and no one is harmed, perhaps it is a terrific idea to try. After all, nothing else about life after loosing one\'s partner is the same.
I respond to this post with humility ad I am not technically a widow, but I do know of the feelings and losses spoken about here.
Who married Adam & Eve?
It has been so long since I have been with anyone other than my husband. I shutter at the thought of being with a new partner. I am not the young woman I once was and consider more important things in a relationship beside sex. Many have had spouses who through their illnesses were not able to be a partner in the physical way. They shared an intimacy of two people loving a caring for each other that exceeded the physical need.
In my younger single days I had a different view of the physical sense, in no way was I promiscuise (sp) but had a couple of long term relationships that ended in disappointment with long periods of celabicy in between.
After my husband and I were married I admit that I felt much better in the physical sense, marriage making it right. After my husband\'s death, I have gained a closer relationship with God and have prayed for forgivness for all of my past sins.
So many wonder with the death of their spouses if they did something they are being punished for. I have thought this but have focused on thanking God for my blessings and what I do still have but each day ask for forgivness for any thing I have done against Him.
So this brings me to today and the future. What will I do if I met someone who did stir my physical emotions. Would I cast away all of my gains in my closer walk with God to fulfill my desires? Tell you the truth, this isn\'t a bridge I look forward to ever having to cross. It is hurtful to even think of it now and brings a loneliness with it. I pray that if ever I was faced with this, God would guide me in making the right decision, of course, I already know in my heart what it would be.
It is an interesting topic to wrestle with.
God bless you Joe...
Linda
P.S. Your song posting inspired me to share..
http://www.singsnap.com/snap/watchandlisten/play/b0b0764d6
WOW, Linda......that leaves me speechless....simply fantastic...Thank you....Joe...:-)
I agree w/Joe. Linda, you have a beautiful soul ! Brought tears to my eyes.