Sex After Rape
In my previous journals I have explained a little bit about what happened to me. Long story short my ex boyfriend was very controlling etc and "it" happened constantly for about a year. I got out of it and since have made a lot of progress. I now have an amazing boyfriend who knows all about what happened and is very supportive. The only issue we have is with sex. When we first got together sex was fine. For a little bit I had no emotional connection to sex but we slowly worked through that. But it has been over two years since it all happened and I find that now I have it in my head that our sex life is a reflection of our relationship. My ex would constantly put this pressure on so now I feel like it's ingrained in me that sex has to be a certain way and has to be regular otherwise I feel like I am somehow failing. My ex pretty much made sex like a currency for me - that was how we functioned.
My current boyfriend has mentioned now how there feels like there is a lot of pressure on it and that I need to just relax with it but I'm just finding it so difficult. I really build it all up in my head and I just don't want to ruin anything. My boyfriend has assured me but I just want my relationship with sex to be normal but it's so not. I find I am so terrified to ever initiate anything because I don't ever want to pressure anyone the way I was. Which logically I know is impossible but I just have so many hang ups... Just wondering if there's anyone else that feels like this. I just want things to be back to normal.
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I have wondered if I'll get to a point where sex does not totally freak me out. Every relationship I've had sex has always been a huge issue because I hate it. There is no emotional connection its just a physical act that I try to get through as quick as possible. I honestly thought I was the only person that thought this way. I think for me since I never had a normal sexual relationship it will always be messed up. It is good to know that I'm not alone in this apsect although I would not wish this on my worst enemy. I am glad you have an understanding and trusting boyfriend that works with you on this.
You are not alone whatsoever and yeah he really is great but his understanding can ever go so far you know. He tries his best to understand how I feel but I think you don't ever really get it until you've been through it. Sex really is just the most confusing thing.. My boyfriend very rarely wants to have sex which initially made me question so much. I was so worried it was something about me and my past (which is stupid because I shouldn't be ashamed of that) but I now think he just has quite a low sex drive in general but it did confuse me so much. It's been so crazy going from one extreme to another you know. I've gone from having a boyfriend who didn't care about me but sex was so key that it ruined my life, to a boyfriend who cares so much about me but isn't bothered about sex at all. In my heart I know how lucky I am but I swear it is taking my mind some time to catch up. It's like my body is confused as to how love works and what is right and wrong.. feel kinda silly talking about that but it's just taking a bit of getting used to. It's like I was treated a certain way for so long and so badly that I got used to it and sometimes I find it hard to work out exactly what it is that I need. My ex controlled everything, even my views, my thoughts.... and so on but sometimes it feels like I was freed and suddenly I have had to learn how to function again. When I was with him I literally turned off, in order to survive. So when I got out of it, switching everything back on has been so intense and scary. A lot of my memories and attachments to things I cared about (even my family) before our relationship had all disappeared so it was literally like having to learn about who I was again. It was really strange, I remember looking in the mirror and not recognising my own face. Honestly it broke me. I had to rebuild a whole new person again, learn how to do the most basic things and find out what it was I liked. Sometimes I just am still unsure of what I need to go on.. this might not be making sense sorry.. just felt like I needed to get that off my chest