Seven years
What is there about the number 7. Lucky number 7 - I think not.
Seven years ago was the last time I heard Lisa's voice. The last thing I said to her was "I love you" and the last words I heard were "Love you too". I really didn't believe that she would not survive. She was tough. She was a survivor. It was just too much to even contemplate. All the nursing degrees in the world do not prepare a mother for the death of her child. So I sat there beside her in the ICU fervently praying for a sign of life. It was not to be.
Seven years later, I am still here. There must be a reason that she is gone and I am not. We moms wrack our brains trying to figure out the whys. Why her and not me? Many years ago during a university course, I came across a list of stressors that were listed from the least serious to the most. According to the list, the loss of a spouse was the worst. It didn't even mention loss of a child. I remember saying that I thought loss of a child was the absolute worse. Sometimes I hate it when I am right! I said it then and I say it now, if I had to make that impossible choice, Joe would be under a bus. I love him dearly but...
It has been an incredibly emotional time. I am so absolutely over the moon about Cevyn and the twins. I am grateful for the mending of my relationship with my SIL and Cevyn's stepmother. I am so incredibly sad that the twins won't have Lisa to love, dote, and spoil them rotten. I can just see the smile on her face as she looks at Sierra and Arabella. I have to believe that she is looking after them.
So I will sit here and remember, and cry. I will smile as I recall the silly times, and the fun times. And the stories her friends told me about her. I will be in awe of the love and respect her friends and coworkers felt for her. I will miss my daughter and very best friend.
I know I am not alone today. I know many of us lost our precious children around the holiday season. I know that this is a tough month for all of us. The one thing I know for sure is that we survive and do our best to live our lives to the best of our abilities as we know that is what they would want. Our theme for the retreat was "They want us to be happy". I can't say I am happy but I am thankful that I had Lisa for 37 years.
Lisa: You know how much I love and miss you. Candles will be burning today. We will go to Jack and Leslie's for dinner. I will reminisce and laugh and drink too much wine. I miss you always and love you forever, Mummy
Replies
With you dearest Marlene on this most tender of days. What we wouldn't have given and done to have our children still with us earth side. No words seem to touch the depths of those feelings. Deepest of sighs...
Missing Lisa with YOU and hopeful that the day is as gentle on your heart as it can BE.
Hand in hand, Heart to heart,
XO Joanie
Holding your heart close to mine today---what an emotional rollercoaster you have been on this past month - That picture that you posted on facebook with Cevyn and those two babies is absolutely beautiful.....
I know of a lady who used to work in the school district who lost her son in a drowning accident a few years back and just last year, her husband to a heart attack. She said, there is no comparison - losing her son (as we know) is by far the worst pain.....and continues.....
I'm hoping that today has moments of peace and comfort for you. ((((hugs)))) Vicki
I remember reading that the death of a spouse was the worst thing a person could experience and remember thinking the same thing...What if it was my baby??? She was 9 or 10 at the time, I still had at least 12 more years with her and had no idea my worst nightmare would come true.
Since she is gone, I sure don't want to lose my husband...but if I had to choose, I feel I would choose the same as you. Husbands can and often are replaced, but kids aren't. Not that I'd ever find another Steve...but, with time, at least the option of remarrying would be there...remommying isn't.
It was 7 years since Ed left in September. The journey gets different but not easier. So grateful for you for the loving words Lisa and you said to each other not knowing that "I love you" would be the last words you said to Lisa and heard from her loving lips back to you...
I would certainly have preferred to be widowed than to have my child pass. I feel a little guilty saying that but it's the truth. I understand completely.
Sending you and Lisa much love on this tender day. Linda
Love you Marlene. The 24th will be 10 years since Josh's death. It takes my breath to even think about it. I am with you, I love John but he would be with Joe under the bus. Hugging dear friend and love you.
How can this be true? How can those of us who struggle so greatly and experience so much pain in our grief still be functioning? Oh Marlene, I ask myself these questions all the time.
Then the bitter sweet blessing of the babies. My eyes tear up just thinking about it. I am so sorry you have to feel such love and pain mixed...
I too wish you could be out here for Christmas. However, they are even calling for the "S" word sometime next week!!! I don't do the "S" word!!!
Your babies are absolutely adorable and I look forward to seeing all of the pictures as they grow!
Be kind to you and Joe darling, know in your moments that you are not alone in your sorrow and pain and struggles to understand...
Love you,
Merrilee
So hard to feel joy and sadness at the same time, isn't it. New lives and mending relationships are all good things. But oh how the heart longs for our child. To be present and share the love of your precious granddaughters. I feel she would be so delighted that her mum is with them, caring and holding her little angles. Gentle hugs and sweet memories. XOXO Debbie
I hate that we even have to pass these anniversaries...and I too, use this marker in time to pull out my memories and my heart and spend the time in reflection...sometimes it is easy to smile as memories warm my heart...sometimes not so easy...but I know you understand this all too well.
I am so happy that you have some mending to your heart...my littles have sure been my heart menders and openers.
gentle care, Marlene & Joe
Love,
ann
PS: Although I sure wish Lisa were with you, I am glad that you did not throw Joe under the bus! lol