Settling In
Hi all...we are moved in and working on settling in...our new home, tiny and beautiful. Many boxes left to unpack, but the basics are all set up, e-mail and satellite television all working. The water, well, it smells...like sulfer. I have been searching the internet to try to find out what is going on and it seems like I am going to have to get a water filtration system put in. If anyone knows anything about this, please let me know. I won't drink or cook with the water, but I have to shower and that is truly disgusting, no matter how much sweet smelling shower gel I use. I am afraid of my hair smelling and me not realizing it...you know what I mean don't you??? There are people that smell and you just feel sorry for them??? I don't want to be that person, so I have to call around and get some estimates.
Also settling in to my new routine at work, learning more every day. At times I feel despair, wanting to do more than I am capable of doing and times I am so proud of our clients I want to dance. As in every aspect of life there are some who take advantage. Every single person on my team is giving by nature, it's what brought us to this line of work to begin with. We could all make much more money elsewhere, but we love the cause, live for the cause...helping people. That said...I am spending 25% or more of my salary on my clients. Sometimes I get upset with myself and decide I will spend no more of my own money on them...after all, I have a company credit card...but there are times...one wants a pack of cigarettes, a fast food meal, snacks...things that are not approved to buy with program money but I really want them to have...which is great, but there are many of them and few of us and a handful that seem to always have a hand out. Like I said, I can vow to stop spending so much of my own money of them and they merely have to ask and it is so easy to make them happy...so I am a sucker, lol.
Soooo...I have a confession to make. My mother told me she had visited the cemetary last week and Cassi's flowers, which were deep red when I bought them, had faded, so my mother replaced them. I have not been in a while. I don't have to tell you how that makes me feel...and I know what you are going to tell me...Busy with the new job and new house, Cassi would want me to be happy, I am not forgetting her or disrespecting her. These are the same things I would say to any of you...It's crazy how we are so forgiving of each other, but come down so hard on ourselves. I know these things are true, I know Cassi wants me happy...but there is just something in me that refuses to let go of guilt...sadness, etc.
The memories come forth...working in Panama City, there are so many triggers. I don't have full blown breakdowns any more, just quiet sadness...sometimes I go to the bathroom and cry if I am in the office. If I am out in the field with clients I either hide it, or some times just let the tears flow...most of them know my story and those that don't learn soon enough. So I feel sad, then think about the fact that it has been so long since I visited Cassi's remains her flowers have faded. Doesn't feel good.
On the other hand...I have to say I truly feel Cassi's presence. There are times, holding my little dog Chloe, I accidently call her Cassi and I see her sweet eyes gazing at me and I swear I think Cassi's spirit is in her. I feel Cassi with me and it's like a warm, loving, protective blanket covering me...that, on the other hand, feels very, very good.
I am so sorry I haven't been on much lately. It was one thing that seriously made me question returning to work, not being able to devote enough time to DS. Most of the time I am super busy at work and simply can't check in. I guess this is moving on...it sucks
Also settling in to my new routine at work, learning more every day. At times I feel despair, wanting to do more than I am capable of doing and times I am so proud of our clients I want to dance. As in every aspect of life there are some who take advantage. Every single person on my team is giving by nature, it's what brought us to this line of work to begin with. We could all make much more money elsewhere, but we love the cause, live for the cause...helping people. That said...I am spending 25% or more of my salary on my clients. Sometimes I get upset with myself and decide I will spend no more of my own money on them...after all, I have a company credit card...but there are times...one wants a pack of cigarettes, a fast food meal, snacks...things that are not approved to buy with program money but I really want them to have...which is great, but there are many of them and few of us and a handful that seem to always have a hand out. Like I said, I can vow to stop spending so much of my own money of them and they merely have to ask and it is so easy to make them happy...so I am a sucker, lol.
Soooo...I have a confession to make. My mother told me she had visited the cemetary last week and Cassi's flowers, which were deep red when I bought them, had faded, so my mother replaced them. I have not been in a while. I don't have to tell you how that makes me feel...and I know what you are going to tell me...Busy with the new job and new house, Cassi would want me to be happy, I am not forgetting her or disrespecting her. These are the same things I would say to any of you...It's crazy how we are so forgiving of each other, but come down so hard on ourselves. I know these things are true, I know Cassi wants me happy...but there is just something in me that refuses to let go of guilt...sadness, etc.
The memories come forth...working in Panama City, there are so many triggers. I don't have full blown breakdowns any more, just quiet sadness...sometimes I go to the bathroom and cry if I am in the office. If I am out in the field with clients I either hide it, or some times just let the tears flow...most of them know my story and those that don't learn soon enough. So I feel sad, then think about the fact that it has been so long since I visited Cassi's remains her flowers have faded. Doesn't feel good.
On the other hand...I have to say I truly feel Cassi's presence. There are times, holding my little dog Chloe, I accidently call her Cassi and I see her sweet eyes gazing at me and I swear I think Cassi's spirit is in her. I feel Cassi with me and it's like a warm, loving, protective blanket covering me...that, on the other hand, feels very, very good.
I am so sorry I haven't been on much lately. It was one thing that seriously made me question returning to work, not being able to devote enough time to DS. Most of the time I am super busy at work and simply can't check in. I guess this is moving on...it sucks
Replies
Hi Gina: It is good to hear from you but you know what I am going to say yadda yadda. No need to be sorry etc etc.
I am so glad you got moved. We lived in a town that had sulphur smelling water. We called the city to report it and were told \"Welcome to Lacombe\". Your water sounds worse than ours. We did get used to it but I stopped making jello (our kids were young). The water caused the jello to bubble. There were always little bubbles on the top! I never did get used the coffee.
I feel bad that I can\'t go to Lisa\'s grave. She said she was never leaving the area where she lived so her ashes were buried there.
Today is Joe\'s mother\'s birthday. She has been gone for 10 years. It is so hard to believe. Our family is shrinking.
You are doing important work Gina but please remember to care for yourself. I used to tell family members and staff that they could not care for others well if they didn\'t care for themselves first.
Love and hugs,
Marlene
It is so nice, to read an update, from you. Your life sounds full and busy. Of course, I know it feels empty, without Cassi, but you have made great strides. We all forget to change the flowers, before they get faded, but thoughts of our child is always on our minds and in our hearts. Don\'t be so hard on yourself. You are doing great!
(((HUGS)))...Julia
It feels as if you are settling in. I don\'t have any knowledge around that kind of water problem and have you asked your neighbors if they have the same problem? Did the house sit for awhile before you moved in? I\'m sure you have looked into all of these things and there are some pretty great water filtration systems out there, yet I\'m not sure about decreasing the smell level?
When you describe the fading flowers I think of the first times that it was after I had brushed my teeth in the morning that I had thought of Doug. It almost leveled me and brought in so many emotions. I know that I have shared this with you before so I won\'t repeat it all... but, it\'s part of the healing path that has its very strange twists and turns indeed.
Fill yourself up all that you can because you must remember that the energy you are spending healing is a lot. When you are in a giving profession as you are (even though I know you are receiving so much too) your well can run dry before you\'ve even had a chance to check in on your reserves.
Gentle care and I understand too about the bittersweet feelings that come in when we\'re moving on... That too can feel like a strange, new world as well.
With love,
XO Joanie
Gina, you are doing such a positive job which honor\'s Cassi. She is at your side, not at the cemetery. She is the wind, sun, stars, rainbow all around you. Sending you lots of love, Kathy
Gina, You are doing wonderful things for people in need and I am so happy for you and them. I am a social worker and I am blessed to be able to support my clients and have a place to nurture, especially now since Ed resides in Heaven.
It is so true; we are so much more understanding with our SOTHS then with ourselves. But I think it is important to learn to be gentle and forgiving with what we perceive to be our own short comings. (not there myself yet).
Love to you and dearest Cassi, Linda
YAY on the move and getting settled!!! Wish I had some answers or suggestions about the smelly water. I know our well water (barn) smells funny. We were told it\'s perfectly safe, but I chose to have our house connected to county water. I guess a really good water purification system would help. I\'d ask the water company what they suggest.
I hear you about the job. Not that I\'ve been in that exact situation, but I too tend to \"over give\". It\'s both a blessing and a curse at times. I\'ve learned there are some people that no matter how much you help, or how often, they are still the first ones with their hands held out. (I\'m speaking of past employees of mine). We\'d give great advise, offer financial help, and yet they\'d take the money, never the advise. Finally we (my husband and I) had to say NO more and mean it! Funny how they found other sources after we said no.....
And yes, I\'ll join the band wagon and tell you what you know and would tell me......there is no place for guilt regarding Cassi\'s flowers. I live about 25 minutes from the cemetery. I could go everyday....and for a long time I did. BUT, I have chosen not to. I have chosen to believe going to the cemetery was for ME, not for my child. The marker, the flowers, the little gifts left....are all for ME. Giving me a feeling that I was doing something for Kala. A much needed feeling!
I go now ONLY to remove old, faded flowers from her grave...and my moms which is next to hers. I went last week and the flowers looked awful so I removed them. I just yesterday called and ordered more. The graves will sit for over a week...nearly two....with NO flowers. First time ever. And guess what? That\'s OK with me. AND it\'s OK with my mom and my daughter! I\'m actually looking into doing something permanent on their spaces rather than having to keep putting flowers on them. I may simply remove the vases and let that be that. But whatever I decide, it will be what works for ME, and that is all that matters.
You cry whenever you need to cry. Lord knows I do!! Had myself a good cry just the other day. No matter what I\'m feeling....I let it be REAL! When I need to cry and snot all over myself I do, and when I can laugh and enjoy my life...which is amazingly much more often than I would have ever believed possible, I laugh till I pee my pants, then laugh about that!!!!
And as far as not being on DS as often....PLEASE NEVER FEEL GUILTY about that!!!! FMO was never meant to be any one persons responsibility!! We have the most amazing, giving, compassionate women on this planet and each one steps up, and sits back, as needed. You are part of a vital healing tool....but baby....just like me and anyone else....you are not the entire tool box! LOL!
So, take car of the water issues as best you can, enjoy your new home, set boundaries YOU can live with for your clients, do and don\'t do whatever YOU feel is right regarding Cassi, and cry, laugh, and LIVE YOUR life to the fullest!
Much love to you and sweet Cassi!!
Your water problems stink LOL Try calling culligan they have a filtration system that should help. Also for your drinking and cooking water put in a reverse osmosis system under the sink, that will give you extra help with what is in your water.
Cassie is in your heart, she is wherever you are. I had my son cremated so I don\'t have a place to visit. After Tara got married I brought my sons urn home to my house. I seem to talk to him more in the car driving or in the shower when I am feeling down. His heart is with me just as Cassie is with you.
Take care, and I hope you get that stinky sulfur smell taken care of.
Hugs Penny
Moving is a trauma on all the lists. Be good to yourself while settling in. Gentle and loving as you would be, are, with others. Good luck with stinky water, sounds high in minerals to me. Might be healthy? Love, Abby