Set it off

So begins my lenten journey.  For anyone who is a catholic and reading this you will realize that lent started on March 9- and yes, it is March 13.  Well- I have been sick and weed is quite medicinal- so I let myself start today instead of Wednesday.  However- I can't really call this Day 1 b/c I smoked earlier today.  But I could have gotten more and opted not to - so it's day .5. 
I guess all that shit doesn't matter much- day 1 or day .5- as long as I get to where I need to be going.  And where I need to be going is sober.  I'm determined to document this entire experience.  B/c- this has to be it.  It has been harder this time then it ever has been and I just can't take it getting even harder.  I might just say fuck it and become a lifetime smoker otherwise.  That might be okay for some- but not for me.
What I won't miss about smoking
1.  Calling a dealer that might or might not answer
2. binging and waking up sick every morning
3.  Needing to get high in order to relax
4.  Hating myself the next day b/c I wasn't strong enough to stay sober the night before
5.  Wanting to get high and not being able to find pot
6.  The hole in my pocket
7.  Buying expensive ass blunts
8. Being scared of getting arrested
9.  Not being happy
10.  Fucked up appetite.
I'm sure that list is bigger.  But I can't really think of it right now.  This week I'm gonna really take it easy on myself.  I'm gonna exercise everyday to help my mind and I'm not gonna be to hard on myself regarding what I eat.  I truly believe my weed addiction and food addiction are directly tied together.  I don't NEED to eat when I smoke- but it holds no joy for me any other way.  Its somewhat interesting actually.  Since forever I have said that the binging is why I need to stop smoking weed- but times in my life where I'm really depressed- I binge almost as much as I do when I'm smoking weed.  The difference is that even though I used to overeat when I was sober- and I still do sometimes (not even close to as much) I stop after a certain point b/c I start feeling sick.  With weed it allows me to self destruct to higher proportions b/c I don't feel the pain when I'm eating.  So I just KEEP EATING.  It helps me to reach a really high level of self- destruction. 
This week is going to fucking suck.  I'm gonna do everything in my power to make it suck less- but its still gonna fucking suck.  It's going to be mind over matter in a big way.  Everything in me is going to want to smoke and I can't.  I'm gonna have to fight myself.  So many people suggest that 100% denial is a bad thing and that I shouldn't deprive myself completely- and that theory is correct to help me not obsess.  But- although one day I might be able to smoke once and a while- now is not that day.  Now it keeps me from being all I can be (as gay as that sounds).  I don't need it.  I don't need it and I don't want it.  It does nothing good in my life.
I have to stop the escapism.  One day, one minute at a time.  Whatever I have to do to make it stop needs to be done right now.
Today I fantasized about how awesome it would be to be sober this summer.  How great the sun will feel.  Life will get fun again.  I just gotta get throught this shit and a couple other things too- like I have to find out how to make myself happy so when Lent ends I don't want to start smoking again.  I also have to journal every horrible detail of this so I can print it out and keep it close so if I ever want to start smoking againg I can remember how hard quitting was this time. 
I'm gonna fucking do it man.  I'm fucking determined!!