sersious wonky headedness......

ohhhh dear.......good morning! 

struggling to function but up nonetheless.  trying......i'm marinading a closeout roast i got on sale yesterday.  next step, oven roast that bad boy......sara used to call it roast beast when she was little. 

i missed an important phone call......i went to return the call, leave a message, my first attempt sounded stilted, mixed up, broken.  so i tried again......not very good.  my third attempt would have to do........i left pertinent info, contact info and then listened before sending.  i sound like a broken machine with a human heart.  the phrasing is off, the thinking slow and stiff.  funky starts and stops while trying to discern information.  i hope it's enough to straighten things out enough to get the next step needed in motion.

this low function in the mornings is not "in my head", it's real.......and it's a smart choice to opt out of driving, hard tasks and so forth particularly in the a.m.

meanwhile i have some marked down fresh broccoli and cauliflower simmering on the stove.  it's kind a stinky......but so good for a body.  by mid day i should have some lovely meat ready to go with these veggies.  la la la la la!

sore, stiff, shivery.......i have two days to feel better enough so i can help my neighbors.  they have a repair person coming on Thursday......something about adding more insulation for their doors and windows.  the company wants a lot of money for this house they are renting and doesn't want to make any improvements.........makes my blood boil.  the kids would like to stay where they are for another year but the company is hitting them with a big rental hike monthly.  they aren't ready to buy a home just yet, need to keep saving for a down payment......but that is their end game hope.  a home of their own.........

anyhoo i have to be functioning well enough to go over there when the person arrives......i hope they get a key to me in the next day or so......

i went for a pedicure yesterday.  my toes hurt without regular care......it had been 7 weeks since my last pedi.  uh oh.......so i go in and pick out a polish......not so bora boring pink!  i inquire for a mani price, it seems ok, so i say let's do that also.  the manicurist filed my nails, then she put a very limited amount of lotion on my hands, and nothing on my arms.......then she painted them a clear pinkish color......which i don't like.  i was more out of it than i like to think cause normal me would have noticed right away and said please remove that and use clear polish.......

that was all she did.  it was the least amount of manicure work i've ever experienced.  it cost $12.......the pedicure was $25, everything is going up!  mercy......but compared to a podiatrist this IS WAY BETTER monetarily, so there we are.  anyway at checkout they request that you tip in cash.  so i pay for the services with a debit card and hand her a twenty dollar bill and ask her to break it into smaller bills.  she puts a ten and two fives on the counter and walks off to help someone with a question.  i just stand there in a quandary........i don't think she is worthy of a five dollar tip for her help.........the young man who tended my feet did almost three times the work and effort.......but i don't have any smaller bills.  and yet i don't speak up......i left two fives which soooo reflects my wonky state and left upset.

but here is the rest of the story, the lady was very nice.....she was observant of my limited function and inquired about my health.....then she stopped to pray with me and for me.  i sensed kindness and concern......a genuine caring within her but then she left me with big bills for tipping money........it's a confusing world. 

i would have given me a ten, a five and five ones.......and left it trulyup to me.......i didn't speak up which isn't normal for me......and now i feel resentful.  this is a situation i should have handled correctly.......i am not sure what the right amount is to tip these folks, but i would have given the young man 6 dollars and the young lady three, even though she really only earned two. 

if i so und nitpicky well that's where i am today.......i won't go out to dinner if i can't swing a tip, i won't go to a place like the manicure/pedi shop if i can't afford a tip, but i felt placed in an overtipping situation and didn't handle it like a growed up person.

i need rest.......feel shot all to heck.  trying to manage awakedness until i can put the roast in the oven for a long slow cooking period.

sorry for this mess.......this is the kind of day where it would be so lovely to have someone care for me just a little bit......i mean to be here doing in care of me, not that people don't care about me.......i need a hot tub surprise landing in my back yard.  i can only hope to take a hot shower to ease the muscle soreness.  but i managed to make a light sauce for the veggies, turn the marinading meat and make ranch dressing with real buttermilk from scratch.  the store netted me FRESH STUFF........yay!  i got a cantaloupe, potatoes, celery, onions, a mango (my first fresh mango ever), mushrooms, lettuce, carrots, broccoli, cauliflower..........oh happy day! 

my frig was out of the fresh good stuff the body needs for energy and power.......now it's nicely stocked.  praise God!

now to pay the piper......he's dancing a maniacal river dance in my mind......haha ha haha.....pay backs are hell he sings, pay up little one, pay up!  he's a rat rat rat!!!!!!!  post exertional malaise should be titled dante's muscular exhaustion inferno.....

it's always rough in january and february.........also noticed i 've put on weight since the endoscopy, a lot of weight, more than ten pounds.......that can't be good.  moving less, walking in the stores way way less.......and the holidays......the added weight makes me feel uncomfortable......stiff, stodgy.......thick.  weird but true. gotta eat this good fresh stuff and maybe next time i get so upside down call a family member to make a store run for me.......and not rely on canned soups and other more fattening higher in sodium preservatives type stuff i have to rely on sometimes when my motor is too broken.  there is no store that will deliver out where i am.....i'm in the boondocks and yet adjacent to a major metroplex.  sorry, the exhaustion is wiring and firing me up in this very awkward way.......my neck and shoulders hurt too much. 

give it a couple of days ruthiebird........stop typing and go rest......watch old school tv......andy and barney or rob and laura....or ethel and lucy, put your eyelids down, pray and try to sleep..........you're floundering in the surf right now.....but you will land on the beach i promise.  yes you willlllllll!  picturing the ocean spitting my pitiful self onto the sand as i write this.......like in a cartoon!

mercy........loveyou.......don't give up on you ever ever ever ever!  i'll keep trying too!