serious-ly?
I’m doing well this morning and things are good here at the monastery.
I felt so relaxed and kind of half hearted about stuff though. Kind of weak
and flimsy at first - feckless - useless - negatives were trying to creep in
and for the most part I am feeling better in
- kept at the work in kind of a state of purpose and knowing my responsibility -
and for the most part I am feeling better in
the aspect of being able to do my role. I performed the liturgy today
with prompting from an experienced priest and it seemed to go well.
Do you think that’s common about life as a monastic or just anyone?
I question myself - feel like an imposter (for not having the completely
committed cheerleader disposition all the time) -
but then I resolve to just tell myself that others may feel this
way too - not to focus on the negative proposed truth - of pain and negativity -
I am meditating my way through it all and the day too - from one moment to another
from one transition to another - telling myself that in part I am doing
the role, crucial, though not totally present and that's ok.
It's nice to be here - but there are much more serious people about this place than me -
sometimes i have insights -sometimes others do -
some believe with greater fervor - we each have our ways of handling
our roles and beliefs at different times too I'll add.
the fact that there are so many others here means others ideas
of how things are to be done - outnumber my own - but tolerance
of and for all that and being able to compartmentalize as in 'put that book on the shelf'
is getting easier and easier.
I know it’s a struggle and counter to human nature to keep totally fixated solely on the job. My boss in LA was super dedicated but she liked to have fun as much as anyone.
I’m thinking about musicians who sometimes play half hearted shows. It angers people - but it exists. They have better
days than others - that's kind of universal eh?
With all these variables I will meditate with the mantra that it's important to be responsible to do the work. And maybe the way I am is just the expression of how this person, me, does
a job. No judgements - not bad or scornful. I get it done and take care of the community.
Replies
I know we each bring different stories, histories and experiences to the monastery and monastic life and there’s room for that. I’m just glad I’m thinking about it. When I have off days where dark thoughts challenge me or I question, more and more I am finding persistence and self belief.
Both through a job well done or also a practice in respect, I cherish my work here and I’m enjoying learning new things too. I’m excited.
Mark, please try not to compare yourself to others....fastest way to sell yourself short imo <3
We Are All Unique
We All Bring Different Gifts To The Table
With God, I'm thinking, when not trying to control an outcome myself, He has me right where He wants me and doing what He wants me to do.
When you come right down to the nitty gritty, I think "love" "giving" "serving" are the top three things one needs to try and attain/work towards daily.
Thanks Mary Louise!
As I learned over these past few years dealing with a situation not of my choosing, everyone has their ways of purpose.
You are valuable just as you are. You picked this path for what it offers from the beginning. It's changing as you are changing. What fits in one moment might not fit in the next, so you're doing a wonderful job to 'keep on, keeping on' while you challenge your thoughts to arrange them neatly.
Our thoughts often jumble into a pile of messy moments all gathered in one place, each wanting the front stage at the same time.
Taking time out to relax makes for a better balance. Here's to you!
Thanks Mid!!