September 16

Tonight is dragging on. I wish I had new blades. Quieter thoughtss. A peace of mind. I wish I could stop living life feeling like I'm stuck in groundhogs day. I don't color or draw or write. I don't live. I just survive. It's like I am just going through the motions.. tonight at least is slightly different hearing from him. I feel.. something. Mostly pain. Relief that he is okay. Quilt for bothering him. But the pain is better than feeling nothing at all. The pain shows me I'm human.  That maybe things will get better. I don't know. Feels pretty hopeless. When I get a job the first thing I am buying will be more blades. I wish I coukd stop fucking crying so much. Ugh the typos. Ana is killing what a left of my practically non existing self esteem. I can't take this anymore. Not suicidal. Just want to stop hurting. Thought of making this private but figured if someone wants to read it that's their decision. My life isn't a fairytale. I'm not a princess. No one is gonna save me.