Sept 2019

It's been a while since I jounaled on her. I've got a couple of physical journals lying around but I can't keep up with them. 

So in 2014 I lost my dog Benji. Not lost as in he died but I had to re-home him to save his life. I have been depressed to different degrees ever since. I understand my deep attachment to him was probably because he was the first and only one in my life to protect me. I was abused sexually, mentally and physically since about age 4. Then I married an abuser. No one ever stood up for me. Ever. Until Benji. No one could come near me until I had him sniff them and tell him to "leave it". After that they were part of the pack. I had learned to take care of myself but having Benji as a protector was like putting a soothing balm on a wound. Losing him made me depressed to the point that I wanted life to end. 

I've worked hard to work through the depression. I have an awesome dog that aost walks on water and reports are that Benji's owners love him to pieces and he's happy, healthy and the perfect fit.

My question is why is the depression always hanging right around the edges? We now have 4 dogs in the household. I should be ecstatic. And some part of me is, but all it takes is one negative word from anyone to send me into depression. Sometimes it takes less than that. Just an unsettled feeling that something is not right, then the dark clouds. Do I need to go back home to Oregon?  That's the last place I was depression free. I feel like it's taking a toll on my physical health as well. Or is my physical health causing my depression? I wish I had answers.