Senseless
It feels like it's getting worse.
I don't know what it is, but time is so very warped for me. I've been in winter break for a week and a half and it feels like it's been a year. My memories of school are faded, unimportant.. hard to think about. Did I really have friends? Classes? All I can think of now is this same hardwood floor, this setting, going out at 4 everyday to walk my dog. This warped time can be horrible because it stretches out pain into an indefinite pain. If I've been in pain for two or three days it feels like a lifetime. Not just as in it hurts a lot, as in all I can remember is pain and all I can think of is pain and all that ever was is pain. It feels so abruptly hopeless and I fall into this hole all too often, forgetting how to crawl back out. Also, in the moments where I am happy the happiness get's stretched out too, until I can convince myself to be lazy for a bit because I can't possibly start feeling pain again any time soon, right? I end up paying for that laziness.
I've been oversleeping lately, or really just waking up way too early and trying to go back to sleep but getting nightmarish and unsettling dreams in 20 minute bursts before I wake up again. After a few repeats of this, my head gets so fuzzy and I really don't want to get up and face the day anymore, it's all so intimidating..
I've become anxiety ridden and paranoid. Fear revertebrates through me out of nowehre, I can spend an hour watching my favorite videos on YouTube and get out of bed and have it hit me, making a hole in my gut. And I become so scared. While I was writing this, a little pink line appeared in the textbox and it caused another fresh burst of fear. It's unnatural. It's not meant to happen. Whenever something unusual happens, I almost blame myself for going crazy. The smallest things. Friend didn't arrive to class. Are they late or am I just remembering the time wrong? Glance at the clock. This should be the time. But am I really sure about that? The self questioning doesn't stop, like some other voice is interjecting.
I feel deeply as if I've fallen into a state that I can no longer maintain, and that I will continue to fall. I hate this feeling, and my rational mind knows that I have to stay hopeful and keep going. But I feel it, right now, deep in my gut, brought out by the fear. I'm terrified. I don't know if I can seek help. I don't know if I can afford to keep falling. The anxiety seems to take in a breath and expand, taking up my entire vision with meaningless fear and worries and I cant. Think. Of anything else.
This is so scary. My brain feels disconnected. So many things feel disconnected. I'm unstable. Things that once held meaning flicker in and out of being able to affect me, things that once made me happy do and then they dont and then they do again. I can't predict how I will feel tomorrow. I look into the future and I feel nothing but fear.
My heart pounds ceaselessly and I can't breath. No matter what I do I can't control this simple act of breathing. The 5 second exercise, breath in for 5, hold for 5, let go for 5, doesn't work anymore. My breath comes in and stutters, coming out in bursts, or I forget to let it out at all. One wrong breath and I know I'm done and I can't breath for an hour, not knowing when natural bodily functions will take over and breathe for me. My head's so cloudy but I don't faint. I don't even want to give myself a break. I feel like I need to keep chugging along.
I'm shaking. I'm so scared. I'm so scared.
I realized lately too that I really need to learn the meaning of baby steps. I've never been able to trust myself to carry something out across a span of time instead of all at once, and as a result I overexert myself and fail. Baby steps are scary. I can easily fail tomorrow. But I know, in the end, it is easier and better and more fulfilling that way, and I want to heal, so badly..
I think this "falling" began after I read a post from an online friend of sorts of mine, talking about their own struggles with depression. Their words haunted me. They refused to call a suicide hotline. They said they didn't deserve anything they had. They wanted to die but couldn't do it. It shook me to my core. They have posted again saying they are feeling much better, and they have gotten a lot fo support. The feeling of doom won't disappear.
Replies
u are going through an anxiety attack as u write this, it will pass, and it will come back, like tides in the ocean. Reading the other post triggered u...stirred up suppressed feelings. You are going to have to face those horrible feelings one way or the other. Everything u feel is real, the heart palpitations, the fear, the exhaustion from your nerves, Im with u, I know exactly how u feel, everything u describe I feel too. Even suicidal at times. And that's ok, that's natural, u want an escape, unless u are actively planning it out and have a method in mind and a strategy, u don't need professional help, u just need a someone to be there for u, a friend. U r more than this anxiety Ollie, u are more than these symptoms, I know u cant see past that right now, u forget u are pianist, an artist, someone who worked at an animal shelter- someone who adds light to this world, and u probably think Im just trying to make u feel better, that's not true, Im trying to remind u that u Are better than this phase right now, for however long it lasts. ... I wonder if u have ever been tested for the Epstein Barr virus? Chronic fatigue is a side effect of that, plus many of your symptoms. You may be able to improve with certain changes in diet, but before we go there, I think u should get tested. I was diagnosed in 10th grade with it, the dr told me it was causing my chronic fatigue- and I had to get vitamin b shots and take iron pills- I also started drinking protein shakes every morning for breakfast. Everything went into remission for all of my 20's until now my 30's. You will be ok again. That may sound hollow in the state of mind your in, but can u at least make an apt with your primary care tomorrow? get blood work done. The fact that u are having heart palpitations constitutes as an emergency. You are very intelligent and very logical, u just need to step back from yourself and try very hard to be objective here, u need a strategy, the dr apt is the first step, do u think u can do that? u can make it for late afternoon so u can sleep late/ have time to pull yourself together. do u remember me just a few months ago responding to your email that I couldn't breathe, I couldn't even finish a sentence? But You could. So I know its in there, its underneath all these symptoms and pain. Find your way back precious Angel <3
My dear friend, I am so sorry to hear about this. I understand. I have felt that feeling before of utter terror and I could be just standing in my kitchen. There's nothing that is directly causing the fear, but you and I know that anxiety doesn't respond to facts. I also do the breathing exercise you mentioned. I'm sorry it's stopped working for you. My daughter had to go on medicine for her anxiety. I am also on medication. I can't say that it fixes everything, but I can tell a huge difference when I take it. I used to just sit here and shake. Now I can get some stuff done. My daughter has seen a big difference as well. She used to vomit every day before school. Now, she is nervous, but she doesn't vomit and shake. I know we've discussed the problems you have with being able to get to a doctor, but even your regular doctor could prescribe something. I just hate to see you like this. I'm so sorry. Keep us posted. Much love.