Sense of Peace
So as I've previously stated- I'm not going in on Mondays anymore- for any reason, ever. But I still have work to do- so today I went to a local library. I'm here now and its so unbelievably peaceful. I feel absolutely NO angst at all. I am SO greatful to be past that bullshit- the bullshit of feeling like I need to see him or talk to him. The bullshit thinking I was staying away on Mondays "for him."
It's never been about him. It's all about me. I'm fucking getting there man! and I'm really really happy about it.
It's never been about him. It's all about me. I'm fucking getting there man! and I'm really really happy about it.
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Awesome! Great insight hun! However, you know what? It\'s not all about you, and it is about him. You were a target then a victim. True, you can tell yourself you let that happen, and I guess in some respects you did, but the truth is - when dealing with a psycho/narc and their underlying agenda is not something you could have seen coming.
The \"its all about me\" part, for me anyway, is realizing that I have choices, and I actually can do things that make me peaceful and happy without worrying or obsessing over the H. That\'s a great freedom, and I applaud you for finding that!
Thank you! And you\'re exactly right- when I say It\'s all about me I\'m speaking of what I have to do to be better. All of that is about me and it always has been.
But the fact that I was a target and I suppose a victim too (I struggle with seeing myself that way) - that was never about me- that was all about him. Well- my lack of love for myself made me the target, but I still don\'t look back on this like I caused it. I really did at first. I struggled with that for a long time. But I know now that anyone in my position would have fallen for his shit. It\'s not my fault.
It\'s an interesting dichotomy- it being about him and about me at the same time- the two seem to coexist. The abuse was him. The healing is about me. I\'m no longer putting myself in a position to be abused- and that\'s all me. Once he hurt me the hurt became mine. It stopped mattering who did it to me- for a while I let my feelings for him and his well being trump my feelings and my concern for my well being. Those days are gone!
The trick is to always remember how quick I can fall back into it if I let myself. I\'m not going to trick myself into thinking I\'m \"cured.\" There\'s no cure. That\'s another thing I struggled with at first. I always viewed it like- I\'ll get over my hurt and then I\'ll be cured and I can be friends with him or whatever- that was my sickness talking. I\'ve managed to shut that sickness up for now- but the voice reappears every now and then and I have to tell it again to be quiet. It actually happened to me today- I\'m about to write a separate journal on it.
This has been a long road I\'ve traveled and it is far from over- but I\'m getting there man- and I feel good about that. I\'m not taking one step up and two steps back. Progress not perfection!