Selfish actions

This is a hard thing to do. It feels like my wife and I are in thin ice and it's been a problem on and off for years. Manifesting itself in different ways but ultimately leading to a common cause, porn. 

We are in the process of meeting with a counselor to try and work through it, but it is hard because she's been talking to me and I've been acting as a wall. It's hurt her so many times and yet I'd stop for a while but it would continue again, it was just a matter of time. Now it feels like this truly is the last straw, one mistake and she'll leave. She's upset and hurt (rightfully so) and she's never done anything even remotely close to hurt me in a way I've hurt her. 

I'm navigating this new reality of admitting to myself that I have a problem with pornography.

I've been a liar for as long as I can remember. Basically starting from the time I was 5 or 6 and not understanding what sexual abuse was until much later in life. I was introduced to porn by 7 and I haven't stopped since. Every time I was alone I'd watch porn, and yes growing up I'd masturbate as well while watching it. So I know I associate it with pleasure. Whether or not my parents knew, I have no idea. I assume they did and chalked it up to hormones. And I feel like yes that was a part of it. 

In my 20s I was living alone and now it went from just watching porn to now buying sex toys because porn and masturbating wasn't the same. I believe the signs were already there because I would feel shame many times after doing it, but I still continued. So now I'm spending money on porn and the shopping itself brings an added high. 

I tried cold turkey again and for a while it worked, but the shopping compulsion was there too. I feel like I could justify buying things if I felt like they were going to be collectable and worth more down the road. I told myself it's an investment. I bought pop vinyls, comics, limited edition items. Over the years it was a few thousand dollars worth of items. 

Fast forward to meeting my wife, I hid everything negative about myself from her. It was a vicious circle because she'd find something, we'd argue and later make up. Then it would start again. I've lost count as to how many times this happens but after this last one, she told me bluntly that she's tired. She's staying with me because she loves me more than I could ever no. I haven't even been close to showing that love back. I have kept my wife second behind me.

It hurts to think about and all I want to do is block it out and ignore it but that's all I have done while she faces it head on. There's no sugar coating it, but I have abandoned her to leave her feeling less than. I spent our time together doing things for myself and she did things for us. 

Now I feel shame, sadness, anger, and disgust. I'm ashamed of the things I've done and that I've tried to cover things up. I'm sad that I'm bringing down a woman who has loved me unequivocally and even though she's angry and hurt, she's still here. I'm angry at myself that I didn't make changes sooner and that it's taking a genuine possibility to being divorced to start doing something (which right now doesn't feel like much). I'm disgusted of my porn compulsion or addiction and that it has hurt and continues to hurt my wife in more ways than one. 

I hope that these journals put things in perspective to help get a better understanding of things.