Self responsible reminder to myself

I was sitting there in services, behind the screen, and I was feeling sorely burdened with getting through this. Waking early – waking up here is hard for some reason - feeling competent to learn the service – and simply getting through this service and my time here at the monastery, All that was the THIS behind my concern.  I was starting to spin thoughts and then I thought about Buddhism. Then I thought back to my current focus at the time - and then I thought about self responsibility. The buddhists teach that if you want something or must deal with something "You are ultimately responsible." It was a comforting and inspiring thought to me as I was behind the iconostasis. I don't mean to sound sacrilegious - the thought inspired me to see that with my mental machinations I need to be responsible for them as well. It is not responsible to start spinning so much about things when I need to keep responsible about the things in front of me. 

The realization steadied me in terms of keeping the course of all the activity and learning that I need to do back there behind the screen - and when in front of the screen as well.  Again, I felt steadied on my path and walk - not so caught up between my own internal judgements bracing me on my path or the looking for the judgements from outside of me to brace me either. Just kind of glowing with the acceptance that 'here I am', and ‘here I am with everyone.’

It inspired me on today’s 'check in' to write .. “May your spirit be full of light, for finding yourself in the world and with appreciation for those around you. It’s life. xx”

I’m not saying ‘don’t think’ – but maybe give yourself the time and place to think- so that you don’t get buried in it as a consequence of being something automatic and blinding. So that it doesn’t trip you up. Presence of mind?

Much like you would any activity – right now – I feel better equipped to deal with what’s in front of me – going both ways, coming in at me and my own thoughts going outward.