self responsibility and anger

today is wearing me out to a kind of extent

Work went well. I got everything done 

but the way my mind works, I can picked myself or really

my mind and body picked myself apart as I was working away.

I tried not to get all goofy around my crush

I can kind of obsess when I do that - and feel like I have to be perfect

which is just my fear kicking in.

I concluded that I needed to continue just being myself and learning slowly and quietly 

what existed with this person beyond the tip of the ice berg.

How they respond to pressure and socializing at work and god knows what.. We are friendly

and that's good enough for now... :) patience grasshopper! LOL

I left work and just felt more in touch with my personal standard rather than throwing it

to the winds when it comes down to pleasing someone else.. I started to piece together

things about a lot of my reactions to the work crew. We've all been together now for a long, long time.

We're a motley casual bunch! :) 

I drove home and then ate lunch - I was so tired - but I kept on

keeping on - showered and dressed and came on DS.

I felt an awareness of others predilections and maybe predispositions too

and how they conduct their lives - and put that flashlight on myself as well.

Slowly I felt anger and then it grew and grew - I felt unrecognized in the way that I would like to 

be - and also felt angry just about nearly everything. 

The force seemed bigger than myself - but then I thought about respecting the feeling

stepping back and not riding the wave and momentum but stepping back and respecting

the feeling - and remember to be self responsible for it as well.

So I am calming down - and appreciating how I do things in life and how others might too.

They're just different and we're all individuals - some may have a higher priority for certain

kinds of considerations than others and some might be willing to sacrifice for  good

of others more.

It makes sense. My anger has subsided and I am looking forward to my therapy appointment

coming soon - She had to reschedule. Instead of 1245 we're meeting at 330p.

Things are good.

Sending good vibes out there.

peace,

Mark