self realization fellowship
I am reminded of this titled organization that is in Los Angeles. They've got a beautiful Lake Shrine
in Pacific Palisades.
I am thinking about it - as my sense of my station in life is coming more clear to me.
This place, at the monastery is lovely at times - but it's not 100% for me - and I have to
say that I don't see a way out - nor do I understand if I will ever find something else as
to be honest at times I envision a whole life in my head that's just imagination..
The thing is - I decided to make peace with living here. What I am choosing 'to find the good'
about this place is that "THIS IS THE PLACE WHERE I AM FINDING THE PEOPLE IN LIFE THAT I GET TO CARE
ABOUT"
I am horrendously ambivalent - and so just forcing the issue upon myself - is a kind of acceptance -
an acceptance that is giving clarity too. Shit or get off the pot as my Aunt said to her boyfriend before they
got engaged. :)
I get to care about the sisters and the community here - Everyday. It's a connection I might not be
able to create on my own out there - but more to the point - it's what I am choosing now -
and that also shows me that there's more to me than just being satisfied by relationships.
I've had significant other relationships that were wonderful - but none lasted very long
and for heaven's sake I am 56 years old now -I am facing that big C (commitment) within me
and I guess this is the answer. This is who I get to love and take care of - and it comes in a package
I didn't expect - nor did I realize it would be like this. It's great - but I still want to cultivate my life.
Is that wrong? The physicality is hard to part with.
I looked up the Self Realization Fellowship - just to get a whiff of LA.
And now I have to get back to ADULTING. Social Security and Medicaid are 'a calling' me :)
Replies
sorry guys if this seemed callous of me - I am grateful to have you guys and my family - and friends offline
I was just visiting or thinking about kind of understanding and being clear about things-
it seems shameful to me that I am not working - but I guess working for the monastery and the spiritual community is my
work - the fact that I collect social security and have medicaid is just a matter of fact and not something to pidgeon hole
and judge myself over?
Big hug sweetie
You're sounding kind of low?
Are you struggling with some depression?
From everything I have read you are working there
You're kept quite busy
It's great if you're happy or fairly content where you are Marky
At some point if you want to make a change you can do that and if you ever do please don't feel guilty
You have no reason to
Big hug sweetie...xo
Choosing to change is a challenge for all of us. Keep with what works for you, and know that giving yourself grace is just as important each and every day.
Thanks so much Jan and Mid!!
to my senses, this reads as far less callow than your royal we search for the great commonality of the universe. it is up close and personal enough that i don't feel like you are trying to put other people in royally appointed boxes.
the more i let go of my quest for a 100% perfect life, the more i discover god has sent me exactly what i need to embrace in order to get what i want. i seem to overlook allot of important details in my quest for the 100% perfect life.
(((((Hug))))))