Self imposed isolation
I've successfully kept myself isolated from my family for the last couple days. I've been working a lot of hours and when I come home I go straight to my room. So far no one has said anything or made much of an effort to talk to me. I'm happy about that because it only confirms that my family is better off without me and that, when I finally get the chance to off myself (or as I like to call it, taking out the garbage) I can do it with a clear conscience.
Another part of me, the drama seeking attention whore side, is upset and depressed that my family has seemingly just forgotten about me. I miss them and want to talk to someone, I keep trying to bury those feelings like a dog buries a dead squirrel, but they keep resurfacing every time I hear them talking or laughing or just being together. I miss them a lot but its better this way, they don't need to be saddled with me any longer than they have to. I'm doing them a favor by staying out of they way, I'm a cancerous mass on my family and need to be removed. Without me they will be better off. No more medical bills for trying to get my fucked up brain to function. Money saved at the grocery store because they won't have to feed my fat ass anymore, god only knows how much my disgusting self eats in a day.
Work is going alright I guess, my coworkers don't seem to mind me being there and talking to them. I've tried to limit my human contact to the bare minimum (staying quiet and out of the way unless I'm talking to a customer) but because I'm so weak and stupid that I can't go five fucking minutes without talking I keep fucking up. I keep telling them stupid jokes and acting like an idiot to get them to laugh, I like making people laugh it is the only thing that makes me feel good about myself. Because my moods are still fluctuating so wildly I sometimes come into work manic as all hell and then the next day I'm so depressed I can barely function. My coworkers love manic me because I act like a fucking moron and am very funny (or so I've been told.) Its hard to keep that act up when I'm feeling low, and I know I need to stop talking to them and keep my isolation in tact, but I'm weak and want to talk to people. I don't want to be alone.
There is one girl I work with who doesn't like me and I don't know why. She treats me like an idiot and constantly either yells at me or insults me. Its making me nervous to go into work, I'm scared of her. I don't know why, she is treating me how I deserve to be treated. I am stupid and I am worthless and don't deserve to be treated kindly. If everyone treated me this way then maybe I would feel better, no more guilt over being treated with unnecessary kindness. Another one of my coworkers shoved me out of the way a couple days ago when I was standing in her way. I felt so useless and terrible, all I do is get in the way.
Another part of me, the drama seeking attention whore side, is upset and depressed that my family has seemingly just forgotten about me. I miss them and want to talk to someone, I keep trying to bury those feelings like a dog buries a dead squirrel, but they keep resurfacing every time I hear them talking or laughing or just being together. I miss them a lot but its better this way, they don't need to be saddled with me any longer than they have to. I'm doing them a favor by staying out of they way, I'm a cancerous mass on my family and need to be removed. Without me they will be better off. No more medical bills for trying to get my fucked up brain to function. Money saved at the grocery store because they won't have to feed my fat ass anymore, god only knows how much my disgusting self eats in a day.
Work is going alright I guess, my coworkers don't seem to mind me being there and talking to them. I've tried to limit my human contact to the bare minimum (staying quiet and out of the way unless I'm talking to a customer) but because I'm so weak and stupid that I can't go five fucking minutes without talking I keep fucking up. I keep telling them stupid jokes and acting like an idiot to get them to laugh, I like making people laugh it is the only thing that makes me feel good about myself. Because my moods are still fluctuating so wildly I sometimes come into work manic as all hell and then the next day I'm so depressed I can barely function. My coworkers love manic me because I act like a fucking moron and am very funny (or so I've been told.) Its hard to keep that act up when I'm feeling low, and I know I need to stop talking to them and keep my isolation in tact, but I'm weak and want to talk to people. I don't want to be alone.
There is one girl I work with who doesn't like me and I don't know why. She treats me like an idiot and constantly either yells at me or insults me. Its making me nervous to go into work, I'm scared of her. I don't know why, she is treating me how I deserve to be treated. I am stupid and I am worthless and don't deserve to be treated kindly. If everyone treated me this way then maybe I would feel better, no more guilt over being treated with unnecessary kindness. Another one of my coworkers shoved me out of the way a couple days ago when I was standing in her way. I felt so useless and terrible, all I do is get in the way.
Replies
You are not worthless. God has a plan for you I know it is hard but you are irreplaceable. Please talk to a professional It has helped me to talk about getting raped. Please get some help..
You are definitely not worthless. You have so much to offer. Reading your journal, I wondered if you are a writer or have ever considered writing? You write so honestly, beautifully and you have original descriptions. I have learned that there is always going to be one person that doesn\'t like me and it\'s often more about that person than it is me. I try to remind myself that, it helps. Hope your day gets brighter
renew2 Thank you so much for the well wishes, I do see a therapist so no need to worry!
PearlKyrridwen thank you for complimenting my writing, that actually means a lot to me. Writing is one of the few talents I actually possess, I actually at one point in my life (you know, before it all went belly up) wanted to be a writer and even had a publishing contract, but it didn\'t pan out.
You\'re welcome. Maybe writing/being published is still in your future. I try to think that even if it doesn\'t happen until I\'m a feeble 80yr old it would still be worth it. ;-)