self image is nuanced too

I was struggling with myself today - I think because of the recent 'support in my life' changing.

Perhaps in line with that I am becoming more individuated and self reliant.

I realized in my youth I had a sense of myself that was kind of one sided.

I was either bad or good - or then learning I had a dark side and a light side.

I was a mix of the two but always wanting to live 'in the right.'

In the recent days I have been seeing only my failures and illness.

but in truth I can see some of the sucesses too. I was in service this morning and I was

seeing my areas of strength and areas weaknesses. I was feeling not full of joy - but full of reality.

I am seeing in the face of my strengths and the power I feel from that - I am then asking of myself how as to handle those moment

to handle strength in a complex human moment. The thought gave me the feeling of being in good company at church.

Recently I have also been knowing I have to be brave enough to stand independently in my own form of grace amongst different people who have their own grace and the grace of commonality - whether they are Christian or whatever, East Coast or West. To 

lead with my own sense of aesthetics takes strength. At times I have had that strength - but in later years I have become wiser to other realities and so I tend to humbly go forward in life.

There seems to be another element to this kind of thought. Am I able to bravely behave and go above the waterline of social meanings and then back down in the water to cope with reality. The reality of both? Strong and weak. Humane, brave...peace.

I thought of the image that I am like a frog or a dolphin able to be in and out of the water.

Along the lines of what I spoke to in the 'darkness finds relief' journal - I think I sort of habituated to the intense feelings

that I was surrounded by growing up - and encouraged as well to emote so strongly about all that when growing up

and it is now finding other outlet. Outlet I am making in my own life.