Self evaluation

I was reading a post the other day and some comments on the post and something struck a nerve in me. Codependant. After reading and reading I am more confused about this human state of addiction. Upon reading the factors of what codependant means I am not sure where I fall in the definition of the roles. I see the both of us being both codependant and also the enabler. I am not taking responsibility for the affair choices she made but merely a point to work on myself. I am attempting to list out from all the conversations we have had over the years pertaining to certain issues or expectations not being met.
Glossing over situations, Handiling the finances single handedly, talking at you not with you about important decisions, controlling whom you talk to, spying on you, personl attacks through sarcasm, quick temper with the kids, lack of willingness to help with household duties, overbearing attempts for sex, tantrums/pouting when things don't go my way, unable to follow through on my commitments, promises to make a change in habit only to revert back into my old ways, being an unsafe confidant, forcing my opinion, knowing when to listen and when to give advice, continual rehashing of affair, impatience, fear of opposite sex friendships, lack of boundries, lack of trust
I am sure there are more topics that I can't recall at this time. Some of these items only came to surface after have to pry them out of you. No matter the outcome of our future I recognize how important it is to identify certain personality traits that are destructive to myself and to those relationships around me. I fear that left unresolved the past will only repeat itself.  I still hope that we are able to rebuild our marriage. I hope we can resume couples counseling soon. All I can do now is to focus on me and you to do the same. My hope is to discern what is truly a problem that needs corrected and what is an excuse from you to justify your decisions. 
I am seeing my IC this morning and am very hopeful to start to better define who I am.

Replies

Gabrielle48
Gabrielle48

You have read our book, so I am sure I won\'t say anything here you don\'t already know. That being said, you are doing what we both did, looking at the marriage and where we went wrong over the years. It helps as long as it doesn\'t turn into self-loathing, which I sometimes do, I must admit, when I get to thinking about such things too much.

Please give me a quick run down of the things you and your W have done so far in attempted R. example; books read, counseling, etc.... What is your W\'s attitude concerning R at this time? I think I remember reading on a thread that she doesn\'t seem all that invested at this time. What is her willingness to try new things? Read new books? Get outside help?

I would be willing to communicate with your W if she is willing. I did this with Hawks W, (He was on here a lot about a year ago) she and I talked regularly for several months. Last I heard they are on the right track and doing much better. They too had one foot in divorce court. Sometimes a CS is willing to talk to a CS.
GunnaMakeIt
GunnaMakeIt

Thanks for your willingness to help. We are currently both seeing an IC. Although she is rolling up on a month since her last session. We did start MC back in Nov. 2012 we were going weekly till the new year when our insurance changed and our MC was out of network and we couldnt afford it being out of network. I have since requested we go back but she felt that she was being attacked in our couples sessions and does not want to feel like that does she want to have hear the story brought up again. She does not feel that she can confide in me. She has shutdown for the most part and will not answer or participate in a conversation. I tend to not want to stop talking which is a defenite problem I am addressing in my weekly IC sessions. She has told me she loves me but is not in love with me. Our current relation state is more of a business atmosphere. I work 3rd shift sunday night thru friday mornings and she works 12hr shifts 7a-7p wed thru fri. As far as readings books I have read many shirley glass,every mans series, and many more. I would have to guess close to a dozen since end of oct 2012 to present. As for W she says she cant sit down and read it puts her to sleep. Even requests to read a page or two doesnt happen. W tells me she is working on her and doesnt kmow who she is. Until she figures it out marriage discussions are me talking and her staring off. I am currently attending a monthly support group for betrayed spouses and meet weekly with a guy from that group and also a true man of God coworker of whom has been very helpful spiritually. As for W she has been texting and calling a male coworker in the midst of divorce. What little information I have gotten about him which had to be pryed out is that he is just a nice guy and offered his advice as to mistakes he made in his own marriage and would do differently. This makes me very uncomfortable and I have expressed my concern with this sharing especially since she is so secretive about it. Thanks for the offer to speak to her I will have to see how I can work that into a coversation with her.
deleted_user
deleted_user

When I read your list of issues, assuming that they are your behaviors (I\'m sleepy and maybe not clear) I wonder if you have read The Verbally Abusive Relationship? It\'s by Patricia Evans and it was an eye opener for both myself and my husband. Neither of us realized before reading it just how many destructive habits we were both engaging in. I know the title is a turn off, as no one wants to consider themselves to be verbally abusive, but it can be so covert, so habitual, that we don\'t recognize it. Even silence, when it\'s used to punish or control, is a form of abuse.

My husband was certain he couldn\'t be a verbal abuser/controller because he never called me names, but there is so much more to it that that.
GunnaMakeIt
GunnaMakeIt

Thanks I will def check it out. I do use sarcasm often to get my point across and just did it the past two weeks. It was definitely a behavior I grew up learning and utilizing my adult life. It is hurtful to those on the recieving end more often than not coming from me. Thanks gor the support and suggestion.
deleted_user
deleted_user

I got it on amazon as an e-book last year for about $9, kindle edition, and the kindle for PC download was free. Oh, and there\'s a companion support group for men, as well, called MEVAC (men ending verbal abuse and control). A great bunch of guys working on shifting their thinking.

I hope it helps :)
deleted_user
deleted_user

And I hope you know there\'s no judgement here. Just recognition. I engage in a lot of the same strategies myself, and those old habits die hard :(