self deprecation and dignity

I don't go out too much into the city or out socially so much. Frankly I am more and more a 'one on one' kind of person - 

and now it seems with the changing times I am probably better at 'one on one online.' Strange. 

I am learning that I am myself 'out there' - and all my attempts to make myself who I am supposed to be - is turning

into just who I really am. When I notice something beautiful, I look. When I notice someone beautiful, I look.

I am not that agressive but I think I am still kind of strong. I also think that I might be where I am supposed to be (in this board and care.) My family and friends I think have tried to encourage me to see that - and I think now I have. I also have to keep striving to 

be out there even still.

In realizing that last night though, I thought of something dishonourable. I wished my life were over. I wished and it made me feel like I thought life wasn't worth it. MY life. But I must hold fast. It really seems a sin to give up.

I try and focus on doing what's right. More and more, it feels like I am learning to do what's right for me.

I am so grateful for my job. Grateful for a family that challenges me to push forward in life. Grateful for 

having the wits to do as much as I do. Grateful for friends who are points of light. I also have to keep striving to be out there even still.

We can't get along with everyone but we can just not take those 'whatever' moments with a sense of 'life' and move on with faith, hope, optimism and good health.

This is kind of wandering into another topic, but there is a house manager here that tries to bully me for her style of managing.

She gossips about everyone who leaves the room, including the owner. I tried yesterday to say to myself "she tries" but

she's just one of those people who makes trouble and gossips about all the other managers here. Just whatever. She's not here today - time to relax with the good kind manager who is working today.