seeking some answer or purpose
woke up this morning, not really adhering to the usual routine.
there were a few things out of the oridinary whereas those usual
things just feeling like bumper guards for the assistance in waking up.
sounds pathetic but so it goes.
I started to question a lot of what I was choosing to do - and what I could do.
I couldn't seem to accept what I was concluding to do. It was too simple -
to shortsighted - too finding a simple form and fulfilling it -
I twisted and turned things over in my mind - and ultimately
was reminded of what my therapist said ....that very often
when our lives don't have the commonality of plan that we
see for certain stages of life, we can have existential moments...
sure I'd like a sense of purpose and answer to what I hope to do..with my day
...and with my path..
but in the essence of the moment, I am recognizing that I am kind of
'doing what I am into.' And that can be a point of departure for my day.
I may be asking you guys for the same thing over and over and I may
be seeking or doing what I do here in this journal..over and over..
but hopefully now I'll just get on with my day.. ready for meeting
up online with a friend who is playing the organ for his church...
and then the family zoom call....Ultimately I know that I have to
watch what I am doing and being self responsible... I can get
overly blinded to being in the moment..and so there can be minefields
to push us off course...
but it's good I have this space to just write it all out and set
my day with a good start.
Replies
I am having a kind of identity crisisthis morningand I am thinking that if I were at the monasterymy identity crisis might take a form ofbeing able to persevere in the real worldfor so much of the day is automatically chartedfor us there and our sense of agency is givenup for the relationship we develop with the elderswho serve as the guiders of those there.
here at home the crisis is taking a similarmanifestation - but in the sense that I am rejectingmy own choices for what to do with my day - and really looking to seek and overarching themeor purpose to my daily work and efforts.So in either place - the crisis on a level of sortswould happen as well. I just need to keepat those things that help me survive - that areabout keeping on keepin on and not let thoselittle questions and big questions stop me frommoving forward.I suppose a lot of us would like a greater purposeabout things - but at the very essence - SURVIVALis the common thread through our engaging in life...
And the theme of survival can be very grounding.
perhaps because I am not married nor have kids - I have the bandwidth as well as impulse to have a greater
sense of questioning and hoping for a theme?
I hear the voice of wisdom saying "get your head out of your navel Mark and do something for someone else!!" haha
but all this writing does help me see that I am amongst community - where we're eaching dealing with our problems
and survival and it is good in fact to do something for those in the community when we can...Saturday's volunteering was really fun - I'll do it again.. Their smiling faces were so great!
Hola Marcos
Good morning I’m here drinking my coffee reading/listening
Yea it’ feels good to volunteer for sure, I’ve been in both positions, going to food pantries in hard times & then other times when I’ve been able to get food/money give back, it’s like a circle or something
lol ‘get your head out of your navel’ sometimes you say stuff that makes me laugh like in a good way when I need to smile & didn’t realize it :)
I have to take it easy physically because I’ve been overdoing it, so I’ll be around today
Hope you & Blue are chillin as I’m writing this
Big hugs <3
thanks lil missy! Happy Easter!
Happy Easter Bunny :)
Happy Easter Mark and lil missy.
I am listening as I sip morning coffee with sun shining and windows open.
I look back at events over the past 25 years of being an adult and NOTHING is what I had planned or hoped for. I’m reconciling not being a parent and what is my purpose. It’s true that life is quite different between parenthood and non-parenthood. Ive had many existential conversations about this from every angle with people in all kinds of situations. I am Spending my late 40s trying to channel my needs for being nurturing into the right places.
It’s that sense of nurturing I think that keeps my head from being “self-absorbed” for a lack of better words at the moment. And nurturing can be simplified down to practicing kindness everyday, if you think about it.
We are often searching for meaning. I think I’m personally better off looking for the “anchors” in my life. Meaning and purpose and questioning it all the time can make one’s head spin. I’m hoping this Easter is the beginning of some new abilities for all my peers here.
Big hugs.
thanks Nikki!
Like Missy, I laughed out loud (in a good way) at the "get your head out of your navel" comment. : ) That said, I feel the weightiness of what you write and hear how you often struggle to find purpose and meaning, even though your life already has purpose and meaning.
Have you given some thought as to why you believe life is meant to be "survived?" For me (and perhaps others), the word has a very negative connotation. People survive car accidents and abusive homes and natural disasters. In my opinion, life is not meant to just be survived or somehow gotten through -- it is meant to be fully lived and enjoyed. Living life doesn't mean having everything work out as planned...or even *having* a plan or overarching theme. Sadly, it also doesn't mean living free from adversity. Living fully means being in the moment - awake and alive, and enjoying things in "the right now," exactly as they are. Like you, I can be prone to overthink, but it doesn't help us. We can spin in circles and ponder "what if's" and "if only's," but then we miss out on the good stuff we already have! (Here's looking at you, Blue!)
I know that your life hasn't turned out exactly as you'd hoped, and that's the case for most of us (including me). However, life can often end up better than we ever could have imagined! I hope you find happiness and peace in all that you have right now. Hugs.
PS -- Your journal is where you can put your thoughts without worrying whether you've said something one time or a million. So keep writing, and we'll keep reading. : )
thank you so much Ladybug!