seeking shelter

I talked to my Dad last night before I went to sleep.

He's an amazing person. I also am finding myself,

not in a critical way, to see he is not perfect but he definitely

tries to do the right thing. Nobody is perfect and I found myself

so able to understand and appreciate him last night. I'm really lucky.

I went to work this morning and on the drive there found myself

preoccupied with things as usual. I can't recall what it was - overlap of thoughts

of the night before? - but I got to work and put the nervousness to rest by just

focusing on the job and doing good work.

I found myself contemplating my place amongst the other workers today -

as strange or weird as it sounds, I stopped trying to be so separate in my 

own lane of work and just pushed forward.

So I was relating to the folks there and also knowing

for myself that I was amongst friends and relating to them was telling me how

I was in part but I was and kept determined in doing my work.

I drove home and found myself seeking some kind of sense of self after a morning of being

a worker. The car ride home is

usually filled with anxiety for me and today was not really different.

I had flashbacks to times when I was 'on my own' in life, away from my family.... I was in Florida, San Francisco and in Toronto.

Those were real tests for me to try and find myself as I hoped to succeed in those new cities.

There was learning there and the rememberances of those times brought me to thinking about

finding myself, which I so struggled with back then because of illness...and so I thought again with the idea of

finding myself 'here' in LA a - even though my family is here, in this area.

When I came home, I cuddled with Blue at the top of the stairs. I made my lunch and ate it.

Then I retreated to the bedroom for an attempt at a nap before I took my shower. For some reason I was

noticing how I was almost 'apprehensive not to exist beyond the proforma of my interior decorating.'

I must see myself amongst those things and not submissive to them I thought. Ok I bet that's another

weird thing. Perhaps though it was a form of seeking shelter in life?

Seeking the approval or the sense of grounding...in my time alone?

I stretched to see myself amongst the space and not defined by it.. Like I was at work..

It made me think about my mother and I felt her presence and what she must have

went through in her life.

Then I gathered myself after a shower and did an errand to the bank and came home.

When home my sense of anxiety was up. My awareness (cognition) of my anxiety was up too. It's as though

the only recourse I could do with myself, with all that anxiety, was to shut off the world

and try and nap some more. I couldn't do it. I found myself thinking about my father

and thinking about my mother.. I tried to find a consoling path in life, like a right path but again.. 

there's no ultimate way

..and in that sense

I think I was seeking shelter in life after a while in someone else's personality, someone else's

'way in the world.' Anxiety was up - but I asked myself what do I usually do during the day

around this time? (As I was feeling a blank and consumed by my anxiety and emptiness)

...and so I related back to my routine..!..I knew I had to keep to taking care of my life

and with a sense of inspiration I lugged myself out of bed and did the dishes and now I'm just getting on with the routine and chores

of the day.

I am not sure any of this is making sense but it's helping me to cope

with some of my own self therapy rather than solely wait to talk to my therapist.. who I talk to in about an hour and a half. :)