Seeking help
A little over 4 years later, I finally went to my doctor and admitted that I've been depressed. It was probably one of the most difficult conversations I've ever had. I was shaking the whole time, my heart was racing, and somewhere during the conversation i fell apart and started crying. I felt stupid. But I did it. I told him I've been feeling down a lot, I'm not sleeping well, I'm always exhausted, I'm having anxiety attacks, and I even admitted that I'm having thoughts of suicide often. I'm glad I did it, although a part of me still feels terrified and nervous about seeking help.
I've done quite a bit to get myself help this past week. I've been honest with a friend, I went to my GP and got treatment (he put me on Prozac and temporarily on Lorazepam) and I even took an appointment to talk to a professional counsellor. I'm really nervous about talking to someone, I don't want to start crying, I don't want to start talking and then lie, sometimes I can't help it, I get nervous and afraid of being judged that I tell lies, and this is supposed to help me and if I lie it won't be helpful. I really hope it goes okay.
Like I mentioned, I talked to my friend and was honest with her a few days ago. I told her about my massive fear of being judged by everyone all the time, she already knew about my anxiety attacks and shes the reason I went to my GP. She offered to go with me to the doctor to get help if I wanted to, but I said no at first, I felt embarrassed enough honestly, but in the end she ended up taking me. When I told her, for a moment I felt so relieved but then I began to panic a little later. I began to think what if she thinks I'm crazy now? What if she decides she's got enough shit on her plate and doesn't need this drama? What if she tells someone? Although I really have NO reason not to trust her, I've told her about my self-harming, she knows about my messing up in university, she knew I was a depressed (just not how serious), and she's been there. She's trusted me with so much that has been going on in her life, things that only I know, and she's done nothing but be a good friend. So why do I panic about this stuff?
I've done quite a bit to get myself help this past week. I've been honest with a friend, I went to my GP and got treatment (he put me on Prozac and temporarily on Lorazepam) and I even took an appointment to talk to a professional counsellor. I'm really nervous about talking to someone, I don't want to start crying, I don't want to start talking and then lie, sometimes I can't help it, I get nervous and afraid of being judged that I tell lies, and this is supposed to help me and if I lie it won't be helpful. I really hope it goes okay.
Like I mentioned, I talked to my friend and was honest with her a few days ago. I told her about my massive fear of being judged by everyone all the time, she already knew about my anxiety attacks and shes the reason I went to my GP. She offered to go with me to the doctor to get help if I wanted to, but I said no at first, I felt embarrassed enough honestly, but in the end she ended up taking me. When I told her, for a moment I felt so relieved but then I began to panic a little later. I began to think what if she thinks I'm crazy now? What if she decides she's got enough shit on her plate and doesn't need this drama? What if she tells someone? Although I really have NO reason not to trust her, I've told her about my self-harming, she knows about my messing up in university, she knew I was a depressed (just not how serious), and she's been there. She's trusted me with so much that has been going on in her life, things that only I know, and she's done nothing but be a good friend. So why do I panic about this stuff?
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