Seeing What I Did Not See
Just me venting. I came across an album of photos of my Son's University graduation which was two years ago. There is one photo of my Son with my Husband and I was shocked! Ron looked so sick and I remember he was on oxygen then but sadly smoking very heavy and also drinking. I had forgotten how heavy he smoked and drank. Year and a half later he passed away with COPD. In my grieving I have forgotten all the bad. Of begging, pleading, crying, threatening, to quit smoking and drinking or to at least slow down. I remembered the Doctor. telling me that "it is too late. Let him live his life". The Doctor sent me a note after he passed away and said, "Ron lived by his own terms". The Doctor said also that I was very supportive and that there was nothing I could have done. I appreciated that as it prevented any guilt on my part. That one photo brought back a flood of memories I had forgotten. I mentioned this to two of my girlfriend this afternoon and both said the same thing. That I did not see what others saw and everyone knew he wasn't going to be with us long. I think I knew but did not want to admit it. I really loved him and as they say "love can be blind". But I would gladly go through it all again. If anything my eyes [I hope] are seeing more and I am stronger. Something good has to come out of all this grieving we go through. The tears, the loneliness, the sadness. What is that Bible quote: "I was blind, but now I see". More determined to make it ! Love, Diane
Replies
Diane, my brother had breakfast today and the very same issue was a topic of discussion. Sally had been declining from cardiac issues for 2 to 3 years and I did not see it happening. I was too close to the problem. I had forgotten how she had not been able to garden, clean house and do other tasks for quite some time. When I retired I picked up the tasks and thought nothing of it. Weight, work stress and drinking to excess contributed to this slide downward. I see it now but when she died in her sleep it was a surprise (big one) but not really a shock. We love them but we tend (in my case) to overlook the picture that is unfolding in front of us. Sorry for the loss of your buddy but as I say over and over to love is to put one\'s self at the risk of loss. I too would not change a thing as she also did it her way. I have learned to value life and do not want to waste a precious day I have left. Peace to you and may good things come your way!
Dewey
Diane, I totally understand. I lived in complete \"denial\" blaming J\'s declining health and mental issues on some obscure something I could not name. Deep down, I think I knew, but wasn\'t ready for reality. Perhaps it is our way of masking the pain before the pain really sets in when reality smacks us in the face? I have no clue. Just know you were and are not alone on this strange journey to a continent we didn\'t choose. Yes, hindsight is always better than foresight it seems. Hang in there. Hugs, D
I too was there as my husband slowly deteriorated before me. Did I see it, No. But I was with him everyday. Others weren\'t. And even until the last week to ten days before he passed I was definately in denial. I just knew he would rally. But that was not to be. I think we do get blinded by love. To me he was still the young handsome masculine man that I had married so many years ago. Hugs to all, Michele
Hello Diane, you have great attitude. I need to learn from you. It sounds like you had a good doctor for Ron, who gave you emotional support. Unlike the doctors here in Hong Kong, they are good technically but pretty shallow to give any emotional support. Hugs, Tiger
i went through pictures of our last trip and saw the same thing. Larry looked tired and older. He had been for an annual check-up the month before and everything was fine. 4 months later he was gone. Michele is right. We see the person we loved, with love. big hug-Patti
Diane,
I was with Ben 24 hours a day during his illness. After much prayer, he had peace with his decision to try and best a very aggressive leukemia....The treatment and after affects,just wasted his physical body away. His Spirit was strong to want to keep fighting, but his body couldn\'t take any more treatment.
I have photos of him from his diagnosis until a few weeks before The Lord took him.....2 yrs 6 months after.........I still avoid those photos...I want to keep them
But I can\'t look at them.....i am thankful you are at peace now, that must have been a shock for you to see The reality of Ron\'s illness.
May your days and nights be filled with joy and peace....Make a Each Day, we are given, COUNT!!!!! Love U......Sandra