seeing i have a choice

my creative energies to manifest in a certain way and I will definitely make a change

now that I am awake to my pattern.

.

When I was a kid I used to get 'the itching' to 'make something'

so much of the time. I would make things out of nothing...

an old shoebox -clay -  an old cardboard box made flat too. telephone wires,

bits of nature and odds and ends..coloring etc... I would build something

without a second thought of judgment or fear.

 

Now that I am older my creativity has very much been

sapped or harnessed into taking care of my mental health issues

and really just ruminating and spinning - but still ....it is in fact "THANK GOD"

creating something albeit just writing. I want to start mindfully choosing

what I will decide my moments' creations will be... rather than going

down the old road of writing wisdoms. I am hoping to get myself

back designing, drawing and painting.

 

I learned two concepts which inspired me to see this - 

they are about concepts of time (a couple of concepts of time) I saw last night on tiktok.

I came back to my room this mid morning after services. At the outset services

went well. I felt very grounded and delivering the service had a positive energy that gave back

to me, I was really in touch and relaxed.  As time wore on I started to fear - I started to have awareness of my comfort and started to have intrusive thoughts. Fear of what the future would bring and how to deal with the unknown ahead - 

 

Thoughts of my mom came to me but I accepted it - and I was able to cope, thank god for the serendipity and coincidence of the experienced from learning about the Kairos form of time. - it gave me a sense of agency for how I could qualify my time as a tool if you will... as to how to cope going forward...this was in the sense of what I was choosing my service to be for me. My performance was not good for the remainder of the liturgy but decent over all and I did everything to completion.

 

And so I came back to my room with a sense of the two kinds of time - the linear and the meaningful. I got on the Sunday zoom call with my family and I was really in touch with both kinds - of experiences and I really was in touch with relating and relaxed and feelings.

After the zoom call I was relaxed and resigned to my quiet life here in my room - with Blue and all with the things I like - a grey cloud of a mood was there- but then not knowing what to do to get on with the day.. I thought of accepting that I may not know what to do at first and not to balk at that first feeling of discomfort - but to wait to see how or what it inspired..

I wasn't choosing what kind of moment to make it I eventually thought.. But that epiphany and agency came to me

after I realized that I started to come on here to write a journal. That is an act of creativity

and though it contrasts my youth's kind of output - it is still something creative - and I will choose now to make moments like these creative and or what I hope them to be.

 

 

Things are good! Happy Sunday and a blessed week ahead!