seeing a pattern here

I came home from work yesterday and sat myself in front of the tv.

I realized much of my impulse was to merge with a kind of all encompassing 

meaning and indulgence. It's like I wanted to be alone, but then I also had

the need to find meaning, company and satisfaction while on my own. I couldn't just

relax and enjoy the tv. The tv was actually kind of boring I guess, just sitting

there passive and staring at a screen. I mean some of it was ok but mostly

it was kind of boring. And yet I do this so much of the time to rest and not drive

myself crazy by being active all the time. While I sat there I couldn't catch up

to myself and my body shook and my hands shook and it's as though I couldn't

rest enough. The shaking has been happening more and more the last couple of weeks.

But to keep a sense of order, I watched the same shows I watch and then went to sleep.

I woke up this morning. Watched the same Sunday shows that I watch every Sunday morning.

I kicked my pants out there door to get some household products and then came

back to the house.

I started to sit here on the couch watching the TV before my yoga class at 1130am.

Sitting in front of the TV is still kind of boring and I find myself drifting to the ideas

of being the person I am supposed to be -feeling the meaning - experiencing the meaning

that I should and yet I just started to stuff my face with dried mango and raw almonds.

I thought about how I kind of go through this. I need time to spend alone and yet when

I am alone I still have needs that I tend to give to it just doesn't feel right or normal.

Sitting in front of the TV gives me a sense of order and legitimacy to my day - 

and yet I know it's mostly distracting bullcrap and my main job is about surviving

and ought to be about that. So the pattern is when I am alone I don't feel normal

when charting my own path and I indulge. I guess it's all a mix. I just wish

I had a normal life. I need to just be as responsible as possible and keep the dignity

up. I wish I could let go and just 'be' , and I am trying to break the habit of

feeling like I can't 'break the mold' at times but then I know and come back to

'taking care of business.' It's all a mix. That's all for now. Peace and Namaste!