Searching for gifts
I have learned so much in the past thirteen months, twelve days. I have come a long way, such a long way. I have long periods of time when I feel at peace. I remember when the peaceful times were short and fleeting, and I felt so guilty for enjoying them. I don't feel so guilty anymore...or do I???
Okay there are a lot of things I believe...but how is it that I can believe, yet not completely accept??? I understand hanging on to my old beliefs causes me the most pain...and that just accepting these new beliefs would free me...it's just so hard.
I chose this life. I chose these experiences, they are what I needed to grow. I made soul contracts with all the players in my life, they agreed to their parts as well, to experience what they needed to grow. Life is perfect in every way. My daughter died in the way that was perfect for her, perfect for me, perfect for every person affected. I believe these things, but OUCH...how can I??? How can I accept that this was all planned out, was all for the best??? I "believe", yet I find it hard to "accept".
As much as it pains me to say this, I am a happier person than I wan before 2/2/14. I was in a job I hated, desperately hated, but paid well. I was always worried about money, even when my husband made 6 figures a year and we live in one of the least expensive areas in the country to live. Cassi wanted to go to graduate school. I didn't want her saddled with tons of student loans. Or what if my marriage failed??? What if I had to support her on my own??? I worried incessantly. Mostly, I worried about her. Day in and day out, worry and guilt, guilt and worry, endlessly. I would not have had the nerve to leave that job as long as Cassi lived. I would have always worried, what if she needed me??? Needed money???
Einstein said the most important question we could ask ourselves was if this was a friendly universe or a hostile one. I grew up believing in the hostile version. I modeled that negativity for my only child and she took it, absorbed it, made it even worse. Expecting the worst, always, we were rarely surprised. It took this, this horrible tragedy to change the way I looked at life. Earlier, it was simply survival...I HAD to look for the bright side, the light in others, it was necessary. Now it's different. Now I believe in the bright side, I believe in the light, I believe in the goodness of people, in the friendliness of this universe. Was that a gift from Cassi??? Did it take this horrible tragedy to teach me??? Something else I believe and I am working to accept and at times I do accept. Doubts creep in, but those moments, I feel peace. I believe, AND accept, those moments will grow and someday, when the time is right, I will integrate that peace and acceptance and positivity into who I am. I hope that day comes soon.
Love to all my SOTHS...Love and Peace...you can do this. I lost my only child and the love of my life to suicide...if I can do it you can too, YOU CAN TOO!!!
Okay there are a lot of things I believe...but how is it that I can believe, yet not completely accept??? I understand hanging on to my old beliefs causes me the most pain...and that just accepting these new beliefs would free me...it's just so hard.
I chose this life. I chose these experiences, they are what I needed to grow. I made soul contracts with all the players in my life, they agreed to their parts as well, to experience what they needed to grow. Life is perfect in every way. My daughter died in the way that was perfect for her, perfect for me, perfect for every person affected. I believe these things, but OUCH...how can I??? How can I accept that this was all planned out, was all for the best??? I "believe", yet I find it hard to "accept".
As much as it pains me to say this, I am a happier person than I wan before 2/2/14. I was in a job I hated, desperately hated, but paid well. I was always worried about money, even when my husband made 6 figures a year and we live in one of the least expensive areas in the country to live. Cassi wanted to go to graduate school. I didn't want her saddled with tons of student loans. Or what if my marriage failed??? What if I had to support her on my own??? I worried incessantly. Mostly, I worried about her. Day in and day out, worry and guilt, guilt and worry, endlessly. I would not have had the nerve to leave that job as long as Cassi lived. I would have always worried, what if she needed me??? Needed money???
Einstein said the most important question we could ask ourselves was if this was a friendly universe or a hostile one. I grew up believing in the hostile version. I modeled that negativity for my only child and she took it, absorbed it, made it even worse. Expecting the worst, always, we were rarely surprised. It took this, this horrible tragedy to change the way I looked at life. Earlier, it was simply survival...I HAD to look for the bright side, the light in others, it was necessary. Now it's different. Now I believe in the bright side, I believe in the light, I believe in the goodness of people, in the friendliness of this universe. Was that a gift from Cassi??? Did it take this horrible tragedy to teach me??? Something else I believe and I am working to accept and at times I do accept. Doubts creep in, but those moments, I feel peace. I believe, AND accept, those moments will grow and someday, when the time is right, I will integrate that peace and acceptance and positivity into who I am. I hope that day comes soon.
Love to all my SOTHS...Love and Peace...you can do this. I lost my only child and the love of my life to suicide...if I can do it you can too, YOU CAN TOO!!!
Replies
Wow Gina! You are on a spiritual journey. You have such insight.
Knowing and accepting are really 2 different things. I too struggle with acceptance.
I must admit that I am still a worrier. But I don\'t worry about the trivial things. I just want our son and granddaughter to be happy. As for money; well, we are spending it.
I haven\'t heard Einstein\'s question. I think in my case, the jury is still out as to whether this universe is friendly or hostile. Right now I am leaning towards hostile.
My dear, you have made me think! Wishing you peace and love.
Hugs, Marlene
Thank you for inspiring me. Onward. Hand in hand and heart to heart.
Gari
I believe as you do that our lives are predestined. Planned by ourselves for our souls learning experience. Not sure if you know that my son was a suicide also. How can that be a learning experience for my soul? Well as quickly as my mind asks the question it is answered in my mind. (I\'m not prepared to share the answer right now). Yes we are playing a role, our life is scripted. Next life I want to be in a Romantic Comedy instead of a Tragedy.
Big Hugs....Great Journal!
Marlene...the question about the universe becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy...you find what you look for. PLEASE lean away from the hostility!!! Thank you \"ter1\" for understanding.
Haven\'t quite wrapped my head around the \"I chose this\" part, but can\'t deny it either. It\'s a huge question, but I guess one that doesn\'t really even need to be answered....by me anyway. What I mean is if I chose this, then I chose it, it\'s mine, and if this human experience I\'m having was all by chance or whatever else...well, then it\'s still mine to live.
Like you....and how very courageous we are to admit....my life is in many ways better now than it was 8 years ago. I truly believe that because of Kala\'s accident and all the DEEP soul searching I\'ve had to do these past 8 years, I allow myself to live more authentically than ever before. Don\'t get me wrong I do NOT believe that\'s why Kala\'s accident happened, I\'m only acknowledging what I\'ve learned because of her human experience ending.
Hostile AND friendly is my thinking on this. And we learn great lessons from both environments. Although I surely like the friendly lessons much better than the run me over by a freight train ones!
You truly are an inspiration Gina! I\'m blessed to know you!
Wow that is a journal for thought. Yes I chose to have my children but not that they were to be ill. I guess I am not able to delve into such a hard topic.
It is great to have the subject in our minds. Peace for today. Kathy
I am so glad you are finding some peace on your journey. It is a long and arduous journey...but somehow we survive. Finding life after the loss is a testament to the human spirit. I believe that much is by chance...but so important as to what we do with our circumstance . Thank you so much for your insight and wisdom...love and hugs...Karen
I am a different person since my son passed. I care less about some things, more pensive, less outspoken... I would like to think that I am not a puppet on this journey but I did follow this line of thought for awhile before my son died.
Thank you Gina...you sure gave me a lot to think about....
WOW!!!! I to love your thoughts, I am really thinking and am getting a lot of positivity from your journal....thank you....I feel truly blessed to know you!!!
Good for you...I am where you are just about. Acceptance doesn\'t mean we have to like every bit..it just means that we acknowledge our life as it is. I am so happy to see you in this place. Lauri
I was told that Doug and I had made a soul contract for his accident to happen, I wanted it for my soul\'s spiritual growth. That made me think, was this actually a gift from Doug? Looking at it that way did bring me some comfort. So much to learn on this journey. Sue xo
Gina, I have read your journal at least 3 times now. It really hit home with me especially the working, marriage, worrying all the time. But the biggest thing was teaching my son all of this, and he carried it. This I have a hard time with, because if losing him is how I had to learn too leave that damn place and stop trying to control every little thing. Well it has been a price to pay, and yet I completely relate to being at peace more now and letting things go. I still sleep with my phone by the bed on at all times, not sure when this will stop, but that\'s okay. Thank you for putting into words your thoughts and being brave. Our journey has just begun.
Cindy xo
I have been watching a lot of videos with Tom Zuba. I know there was a lot of disappointment with him over last years retreat, however...we can still learn from him. I stole the line from him about perfection. He said his wife and two children died in the perfect way at the perfect time. Of course I felt my throat tighten, my pulse quicken...denial instantly on the tip of my tongue, but I paused...let it sink in, tried to :lean into it\" as he says to do. To accept this as fact will be a burden off my heart. I believe it, almost accept it. Tomorrow I may cry all day and curse the world...I have those days. It\'s a few steps forward and a few steps back, but I am trying so hard to push through, make sure my steps forward are larger in number. As Teri said, as all of you know, you do a lot of soul searching. It\'s necessary to survive and even when we yearn to be with our children, the survival instinct is strong. I have yet to submit to that yearning, yet I can\'t say I never will. Who could??? All I know is today...today I am better, today I am positive, today I am in love with the universe and I HAVE to accept that Life, despite all we have been through, is ultimately loving...and ultimately fair. Thank you all.
You have put a lot of thought into this. Each day is a new challenge we will try to make the best of it. As we say one foot forward, at lest a good try. I have not read a lot lately not enough energy. Raising the grandies and working my energy is in big demand.
I hope you will keep putting your goals ahead of you and met them. Keep those positive thoughts and feelings coming through
encouraging hugs
Penny