scribbles

I usually try to keep positive outside of work - a sense of control -I see it as an opportunity to live my real authentic life!  I try to keep up and orderly and a standard

about things but then there is the randomness of desire that comes at me - which can lead me

down an indulgent path. Today I decided to not pass judgement on my carnal indulgences

but it brought me to a real sad place about my life. And so I took the dog for a walk and I usually put

a happy face on for whoever I come into contact with - and today the neighbor who I came in touch with saw the full force of my emotion on my face. I think she got that I was in pain.

But we didn't talk about it - she just said "have a good day." I moved on and so did she

and I kind of realize that as I move on with my day I still need to keep at those things that keep

my day orderly even if I don't feel sunny and yet I am still emotional. I feel like I am keeping present in some way - 

and yet also keeping at the work I need to do - and prepare for tomorrow's work day and so it goes. I don't think I need to prove myself by reporting this - but I feel like I am just keeping 'present' in a kind of way and hopefully learning from that. I don't get it - something in me is dragging me down - and yet I have to keep and step lively and still keep up standards around here. I can't escape myself but maybe I can keep learning.