Screwed up .... depressing day

I almost wish I had the guts to " hang " myself ! But don't worry, I'd never do something that nuts. For one reason, I'd be too chicken. Another good reason is I'd have no idea how to go about doing it. Plus another reason would be that I wouldn't be alone for a long enough period of time to do it without anyone noticing the attempt. So it's never going to happen, no matter how much I may think about it. 

 At the very least I wish my circumstances would change dramatically where I wouldn't feel the need to desire something like that. That would be the idea situation. Realistically I don't think that's going to happen any time soon. Even if it does start to happen at all, it won't happen in the way that I hope that it would. Plus there likely will be other things happening that I won't want to occur, but I'll have no control over. Why is life like that so often ? Why is it that so often things in our life are completely out of our control ? It's not fair at all. For once I'd love it if something in my life was fair ! That'd be nice for a change.

He's completely ruined my evening tonight. Does he realize this ? Does he even care ? The answer to both of those questions unfortunately I feel would be a resounding " NO " ! He started playing his " Dungeon Siege " game awhile ago, and of course as soon as he started playing it he muted the sound on the tv. It didn't matter one damn bit that I was watching a movie on tv, oh hell no ! Since I already knew how he would react if I dared to put the sound back on, I didn't bother. So all damn evening long so far I've been sitting here trying to " lip read " the tv movie, while listening to the sound affects of his " Dungeon Siege " game ! Fun ? OH HELL NO ! It's been one damn ultra boring, and frustrating evening ! It's been enough to make me wish I could run out the apartment door, and keep running... not stopping, and not even looking back ! Of course that's simply not possible for many reasons. I would say I wish that he would do that, but unfortunately I need him to stick around to help with the cost of the monthly living expenses here. Without his help, honestly I'm not sure what I would do. I would probably end up back in one of those nursing home / rehab places again. So here I am.... wanting to either scream, or rip my hair out, or both... but doing neither. I'm trying hard to calm down. I have to for my health's sake.